Fear of being vulnerable

[ann3]

gjaz,

my mom actually still speaks of being a perfectionist with pride.

Yr mom is WRONG.  Please read more about perfectionsim, which is a symptom of voicelessness.

love,
ann

[James]

Ann3........I am reading a very good book. It's titled RECLAIMING YOUR LIFE by Jean Jenson. In essence its about how one goes about retrieving old childhood memories and understanding how they influence our lives in the present. It gives very detailed information on how to do this work and how to process safely what one finds. Like you said this work can be very painful but it is working for me. I am still in the process and nowhere near being out of the pain my past causes but i am making progress. The book targets people who wish to work their therapy at home rather than in a therapist's office but its beneficial for me with my therapist. It's all about how to access our history and proess it especially if we have memory blockages.............James

[Sugarbear]

I still can't cry in front of anyone since my mother always said/implied that crying is weakness. I don't have close friends because I am fearful of putting too much of myself out there.

I've been learning to be open with my husband. I finally feel safe being myself and being able to let down my guard. It is an amazing feeling, and I'm saddened that so much time was lost while I was so afraid of others hurting me.

The older generation passes along it's emotional baggage to the younger generation. So, we carry their baggage and we may not even be aware of it.  Also, the older generation may not be aware that they burdened us with their emotional baggage.

I don't think my mother cares about what baggage she's passed on, but she most definitely has done so. I know where most of my baggage comes from, and I've been slowly getting free of it for the last 5 years.

[gjazz]

You know, I had a dream last night where my whole FOO came home from a trip, and I couldn't find my baggage!  Mine was the only baggage missing.  I searched high and low throughout the building, everywhere, but no sign of it.  So my mom tried to give me some of hers, and I was disgusted.  I wonder...?  Maybe it's a good thing, a sign I'm finally moving on.  Hadn't thought of that until reading this quote.  It's not much help to others, but maybe a sign of progress.

[James]

I visited my parents again today and had the experience of seeing them for who they are. This was the strongest my perceptions have ever been. My dad is cruel and very cold, i am mostly an object to be shaped by him. Not really a person. He takes his anger out on me but it is a projection of how he feels about himself. I saw my mom as a little girl. I watched her closely and she appeared to be living in a dream world disconected from reality. She is frozen in time. I could see how i am part of her dream world. I was not real just something she used to support her delusions. She used me to create something that was acceptable to her and her pretense of love she withdrew, if i had any feelings to the contrary. They both intimdated and abused me if i did not meet their criteria of what they wanted me to be in their eyes. I was never supported with any of my feelings and eventually walled those off from myself in order to survive. It was an emotional wasteland. I see so clearly why i am afraid of being vulnerable. Back then it was dangerous because the feelings that i had would not be acceptable to them. I was unhappy and sad, lonely and confused , how could i tell them about these things because they were the cause of it all. I have been playing this over and over in my head for years not realizing what was going on. I have had some experiences  opening up to others and i experienced terror and overwhelming feelings. This is what i expected back then and why i walled myself off from other people and myself. This is a big break thru for me. I even think this unreal feeling i experience may be due partly to the way i felt back then b/c they treated me like i was not there as a real person. Mostly my feeling did not exist for them and in turn i felt unreal, like i did not exist. I was just part of their mind and what they wanted this to be. Does this makes sense? ....James

[gjazz]

It makes sense to me.  The sensation of being "walled off" is one I've felt all my life--I built the wall, quite deliberately, to keep myself safe.  Your mother is responding to a crazy-making situation by enlisting you as a confederate.  But you don't have to join that war, as you've said: it's a breakthrough to see it all clearly.  Having feelings invalidated as a child is a very destructive thing--not only invalidated, but attacked.  A breakthrough can only mean you're getting stronger.  Stay the course!

[James]

Gjazz.....I am glad this made sense to you, it helps validate what i saw. At first i could hardly believe it b/c i had been over and over this intellectually many times before but somehow it clicked emotionally today for the first time. It's giving me many real insights to explain why i have felt the way i have for so many years. Sometimes i feel like a slow learner....Thank You  James

[gjazz]

Maybe it's just that it's a little easier to know things intellectually, where we an process them without so much potential for hurt, and knowing them emotionally, where the pain really strikes.  And maybe you "saw" things on an emotional level and understood them that way because you are getting stronger and are ready for that (?).

[Ami]

I visited my parents again today and had the experience of seeing them for who they are. This was the strongest my perceptions have ever been. My dad is cruel and very cold, i am mostly an object to be shaped by him. Not really a person. He takes his anger out on me but it is a projection of how he feels about himself. I saw my mom as a little girl. I watched her closely and she appeared to be living in a dream world disconected from reality. She is frozen in time. I could see how i am part of her dream world. I was not real just something she used to support her delusions. She used me to create something that was acceptable to her and her pretense of love she withdrew, if i had any feelings to the contrary. They both intimdated and abused me if i did not meet their criteria of what they wanted me to be in their eyes. I was never supported with any of my feelings and eventually walled those off from myself in order to survive. It was an emotional wasteland. I see so clearly why i am afraid of being vulnerable. Back then it was dangerous because the feelings that i had would not be acceptable to them. I was unhappy and sad, lonely and confused , how could i tell them about these things because they were the cause of it all. I have been playing this over and over in my head for years not realizing what was going on. I have had some experiences  opening up to others and i experienced terror and overwhelming feelings. This is what i expected back then and why i walled myself off from other people and myself. This is a big break thru for me. I even think this unreal feeling i experience may be due partly to the way i felt back then b/c they treated me like i was not there as a real person. Mostly my feeling did not exist for them and in turn i felt unreal, like i did not exist. I was just part of their mind and what they wanted this to be. Does this makes sense? ....James

You explained this so clearly ,James. You saw it so clearly.
You are truly getting healthy. Keep going, facing the truth, and you will get where you want to go---emotional wholeness. I am so excited to see your progress, James. It makes me so happy. I feel a sense of joy, as I start my day, today.    Love   Ami