Confrontation... but hopefully one of the last ones

[Sugarbear]

and wouldn't you know I don't have a therapy appointment until after?

My N mother moved back to our homestate (800 miles away) in June 2007, but left her house, filled with junk and only took odds and ends in her hurry to move. She had been threatening to move away from me for just over 2 years prior to this, but the last straw was apparently when I refused her gracious offer of doing her taxes.

She is currently 63 years old, and has been living back home for almost a year and has my sister there. Sister is providing her N supply now, and browbeating me for being so cold and heartless to our mother. Mother, however, has actually gotten out and joined a gym for older cancer survivors, and has made friends and been exercising - something I pleaded with her to do when she lived near me.

My backstory is still on these boards (http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=2470.0 for most recent confrontation that apparently led to her finally deciding to move and http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=2248.msg35466#msg35466 for my original intro. These are long!)

For my own comfort, I agreed last year to stop by her house a few times a month and to keep up with the lawn care. I was not thanked or paid for this, but I felt like it was necessary for my own piece of mind. This was supposed to be for only a few months, but again, my mother procrastinated and refused to hire anyone to clean out the junk and pack up the rest of the house to get it ready for market.

Sister has been emailing me trying to guilt me into helping mother clean out her house. Mother decided to make a trip back here in March, and I was only told by my sister the week before. I told her that I was busy and unable to help. This is my standard answer, whether I'm actually busy or not, since I am not doing anything like that anymore, and again, mother is quite capable of hiring anything done, she just chooses not to.

SO she came down in March, did some stuff, and left.

My sister emailed me again today. She tells me that she is taking off from her job for 3 days and she and mom are driving down here (14 hours one way) in a rental car, and renting a u-haul and going to try to pack up and load a 2,600 sq ft house by themselves in 2 days and then drive back. She goes on to say that she is sacrificing her little time off and the time with her 4 year old son because "mom needs me to help." She ended the email with a line of "this will probably be the last time mother or I ever come to your state, just thought you should know if you want to see us."

In the last few years, she has told me that I am going to fail at everything I do (without her), I am heartless and evil, that she doesn't love me, that my DH's and my infertility is deserved and she hopes I never have a child. She has used foul language and discounted my feelings like I am not even a person allowed to have my own life. She has tried to break up my marriage, control my free time and force me to play nursemaid and caretaker of her every want and need.

I don't need this kind of person in my life, and once the house down here is sold, I can pretend that she doesn't even exist and get on with my life without her in it, and it is looking like my sister is also going to be cut off as well.

Still having to deal with the guilt and sadness that things got to this point, but I'm hoping to work through this stuff in counseling. I'm not going to let her make me feel bad for trying to live my own life on my terms instead of hers. I am my own person, not a puppet for her to control.

[Ami]

Dear Sugarbear,
 My thought when I read your post was that we want families to be a certain way and we will do so much to keep family,in our lives,even when it is killing us.
 I know that I thought I needed the mother -daughter relationship ,in order to be OK and I really never did.
 This illusion got me  sick, emotionally.
 We want loving family relationships,but if we don't have them, we have to face it, honestly, and go on(IMO)
 I am trying to do that with my M ,after ALL this time. It is very,very hard.
 I am sorry for your loss of family, in reality and in hopes.    Love    Ami

(((((((((Sugarbear))))))

[Hopalong]

Sugarbear, I am proud of you. Or hope you feel proud of yourself.
I just don't see how you are obligated to help a person who has abused you emotionally for a long time, even in the name of family.

This is a recent awareness on my part, though. I just now, at 57, have been pushed too far by my brother. It is sad but it is also a relief, to know he will likely remain out of my life once our confrontation is over.

Could you send them a list of reasonably priced local people who might help them?

Hops

[lighter]

Sugarbear.....

you said you don't "need" a person like that in your life.

I say..... it's amazing you survived her.

Everyone needs empathy.

I see no way to reconcile a mother who preys on her child...... emotionally or otherwise... and remain attached. 

You may withdraw from her with love.....

 not bc you don't need her in your life.....

but, instead, in order to protect yourself.

That's your job.

(((sugarbear))) 

I wish you peace and comfort in the knowledge you did everythin in your power to sustain a mother daughter relationship then accept that it wasn't possible and move beyond.

[debkor]

Sugarbear,

I know we think in terms of mother and daughter because we are the child and M is the adult.   But really was she?  Later on when we have grown into adulthood/mentally it becomes a process and painfull to figure out what is wrong with my mom. You keep looking for that mother/daughter connection as adults, you try to please, but the connection never comes without threats, punishment, control and so forth.  The only connection really that you have is through guilt and manipulation.

When your little and you look at this big person how are you supposed to know (THERE IS SOMETHING NOT RIGHT HERE) even if you feel it.

You can't. Your not mature enough mentally to figure this out. 

and I don't think she is mature enough to figure out either that something is wrong was always wrong because she will forever be a child (mentally). Everything is for her, me, me, me,me.  If you don't, I will, If you do, I will. me me me.

She is doing everything a child will do to get their way.  You have out grown your M mentally.  You have grown up and she has not.
Sad as it may be.  You cannot raise your mother (from that stuck child)  into adulthood.

You don't have to feel bad and have guilt.  It is your choice to live your life as you wish and keep the bad stuff out. This is being an adult something your M cannot be.

Don't feel bad hon. There is nothing you can do to help her.  And don't feel bad for helping yourself.

Like light said, your self protecting.
She has always self protected with childish tactics in child like selfish ways and still is.

Difference is your an adult with boundaries.

Love
Deb

[lighter]

Yes yes yes to boundaries.