Hi everyone,
I'm new to this board; the subject of Ns and anger et al got my attention.
I've recently come through a massively awful experience with an N; the relationship wasn't as deep as a family member or spouse, but he was -- are you ready for this -- my pastor, and as such, he was someone I knew and truly loved and cared for at a very deep level for 10 years. His pastoral (false) personality was really wonderful, and I loved him like a brother. I'm generally very perceptive, and I never saw through him; he was that good. Long story short, he was/is getting divorced, he targeted me as n supply, which makes total sense; we are very, very much alike -- or at least, the real me and the false him -- except that I'm not an N, I'm the opposite; etc etc etc.. I thought he was in love with me, since he pursued me (very cleverly) and sure acted like it; I knew nothing about Ns until it was all over. Eventually he brought me up on harassment charges -- twice! -- within the church. It was incredibly hurtful and humiliating ... but also a profound growth experience. It has lead me to a huge juncture in my life, the very growth spot where I need to be, I think.
...if you can keep in mind that the betrayal aspect of this is the most hurtful (the romantic part was only about 5% of the deal) -- that a pastor would bring charges up against a parishioner without ever talking directly about it (he was projecting and I had, I do believe, given him a huge narcissistic injury before each time he initiated charges). Also, I've felt betrayed by a firiend and someone I loved (non-romantic aspect); AND I've had to suss out the whole the-person-I-knew-doesn't-exist thing, which led me into a vast nowhere-land of what the last 10 years of spiritual guidance meant, if anything ... and on and on and on. The experience has many, many layers.
So -- that's why the topic of Ns and anger and forgiveness grabbed my attention. I have been struggling with all of that during the past three months. And here is what I have to offer, based on my experience and thoughts and perceptions:
Regarding anger -- the way to get rid of anger is to get in touch with it, allow yourself to feel it fully, and voice it to someone appropriate -- i.e., a therapist or in group therapy. Yes, it's important to express our anger directly to the person it involves, but "core" anger really needs the hard work.
Talking about anger will relieve it. If it is a vast storehouse of anger left over from your FOO, this could take a lot of time -- years. But it's essential work.
That said, my personal opinion and experience are that the real path to forgiveness lies in feeling your anger and letting it out. I personally don't think you can truly forgive someone until you've dealt with the anger. I've never heard anyone else, therapist or layperson, say this, but it's based on my experience. I really do believe anger is the way to forgive. Forgiveness is not a mental process; it understanding the situation as fully possible; understanding and getting in touch with your own feelings, and then assessing what you want to do with them.
I think at that point compassion, and understanding and "seeing" the other person as much as you can, enter in, and then, if it is your desire and you feel that compassion, you can forgive. Or perhaps if you've done that it happens anyway, don't know. I always reach for forgiveness. Understanding our mutual humanity certainly is a key.
And as far Ns and anger and forgiveness -- been there, done that, got the T-shirt. After these several months of going through the harassment charges and resulting investigation/process (happy to say I was exonerated), dealing with the betrayal and awfulness of it all, and just trying to figure it all out ... here is where I'm at:
They can't help it. This is what they do. These crazy, awful, mean, horrific things are just what they do. I don't think it's even malicious and perhaps not even intentional. I think at times they may perceive that what they're doing is wrong (I am hoping this N knows that, particularly since he's a pastor), but I don't think they care. They're amoral, of sorts. If they can't see our humanity, why would they care what they do to us? That would be inconsistent.
When I think about my former pastor and the things he did to me, and the many incredible things that have surfaced since he left, I can only conclude that he is a very, very, very broken person. Someone who feels good about himself does not bring a parishioner, and/or someone he's fond of (which he was before the divorce), up on harassment charges without speaking about it first (this guy was heads and shoulders the best pastor I've ever met -- incredible). Someone who feels good about himself does not stick his church with the mortgage for a house the church helped him buy; or simply not pay property taxes on his house. Someone who feels good about himself does not have affair after affair after affair and many of them simultaneously ... or use other people to meet his needs, and on and on and on. They do not do all the many unbelievable things I now know he's done. Only a person who truly hates himself unto infinity would act in such a way; and underneath that self-hatred must be one very shamed-feeling person with less self-esteem than even I lacked at the very lowest point of my life.
And all that undoubtedly emanates from one bad childhood (I know just a few bits and pieces of it, and they are awful, like most Ns, I think).
Now that I've dealt with my own feelings (mostly, I'm sure it's not completely over) and especially felt the anger and other feelings, I can only feel love and compasson for him, still. I have debated with myself whether I "should," or if it is better to turn a cold shoulder and mentally leave him (he left our church and is at another; the resolution of the charges is that we both committed to not contacting the other, which I think was a very wise decision on the investigating committee's part).
All I can tell you is, I can't. I feel enormous, enormous compassion for this man, even now. I see his emptiness; and I know for myself what it is to feel that empty, so it's easy for me to empathize. Having come full circle, I still/now care for him, perhaps even more deeply. My heart genuinely goes out to him; I see him possibly better than he sees himself. Even though I don't have much experience with the real him, I still love him; it is in his brokenness that I find love and compassion for him. He simply can't help, at least at this stage in his life, and possibly/probably never, what he is.
He is disordered.
And when I realized that, the anger went away; his maliciousness was no longer personal from him to me; and I found forgiveness and love and compassion.
Of course, I can do that because I have no contact with him; I don't have to live with him or interact with him. But I want you all to know that I will always, always pray for him and for the people in his path. It would be one of my greatest joys in life to see him have the courage to go back and do the work he needs to do to experience life fully, as the rest of us do even in our fraiilties and foibles.
I believe human transformation is always possible, and that is my eternal prayer for him. Although he uses the church and his profession for his own needs, to obtain narcissistic supply, still, in that falsity he does and has done enormous good for an amazing amount of people. In his pursuit of me, his idealization did many good things for me that I sorely needed; and in the darkness of his betrayal, I also was able to see and confront some massive changes that I have long needed to make for myself; I intellectually knew they were there, but I couldn't get in touch with them and didn't understand exactly what they meant. Now, i do.
So can you hate someone for being that kind of catalyst for growth? I guess you can. I guess you could also say he's a selfish ... man (another word comes to mind) who blasphemes the name of God ... and that would be true. But ...
... I think mental health is being able to hold both such contrasts in your hands, always seeing the scales of balance slowly shifting from one side to another, and being okay with that.
???? That's where I'm at.
