Hi everyone,
I'm pretty new to this board, haven't met many of you.
This is really embarrassing, and it's really hard to talk about -- certainly would never tell anyone outside my group, except for my very closest friends who know ...
I'm in my early 50s, and due to a LOT of reasons in my life and family background, and even other reasons, I've never really dated anyone. All sorts of reasons -- a huge part of it is expecting abuse, both physical and sexual; also enormous fear of being controlled by a man (my father was very controlling) and deep, deep anger at the prospect of that; and because I was not cared for as a child (neglected and not physically taken care of, as well as not emotionally nurtured; grew up in a real vacuum), I have never been able to believe that someone would be there for me -- I don't have a lot of experience with that other than with my friends and people I know as an adult; and have always thought I'm ugly; and I suffered from depression most of my life (now it just comes and goes, mostly goes) so I never thought anyone would want to deal with that; and I have always been overweight, ranging from a little when I was younger until now, when I am REALLY overweight, and that is just such a no-no with men; ...
...and one of the very, very biggest reasons is that whenever I had something -- anything, be it a tangible thing or a success, my parents, especially my mother, took it away from me, particularly when I surpassed my (older) sister, which I was always going to do; I'm just smarter and more talented. (She has her own smarts and talents, believe me.) I have this long, long legacy of things being taken away from me. My mother wouldn't even let me have a blanket when I was a child; if I found one and took it for myself, she would take it away from me. They took away my dance lessons, my music lessons ... I came home from school one day and found them giving away my horse (we could afford it). On and on and on.
Talk about little voices -- the reason they took things away from me is so that I would stick around and take care of them, meet their needs. (It sounds counter-intuitive, but the child who gets things grows up healthy enough to go out and have a life; if you deprive a child, they don't have/get a life, they keep sticking around hoping to get the things from the parents that they never got. I am SOOO lucky to have found a therapist who understands that and helped me to understand it).
And then the person I loved most on earth, and still do -- my brother, who was also the only one in my family who gave me emotional support and understanding; I am here today because of him -- was injured in a mountain hiking accident. He was severely incapacitated and brain damaged, couldn't speak, communicate, was paraplegic, etc. So, that really cemented the deal -- I always felt that if I did find someone, he would be taken away from me somehow.
That's a lot of off the top of my head rambling, but it's a pretty good list of reasons.
Also, just no one ever asked me out. That actually is a big part of it. I was molested by a man when I was three at the zoo; and over the years as I got older men would try to hit on me SO inappropriately -- a teacher, a co-worker in a business meeting of 500 people, several other instances. I always got away from them, but the point is, they never said anything, never asked me out, never said I was pretty and they liked me or ANYTHING. They just cornered and grabbed and ... whatever. (Fortunately I was able to get away from them.)
For a lot of my life I was very shy and my self-esteem was down in a hole somewhere, so deep I couldn't find it. And I really believed I needed to get myself together before I started dating, so I wouldn't end up with an abusive man. My inner intelligence protected me, in a sense, and kept me safe.
Also, entitlement. That's been my huge issue (as you might imagine, if your parents take everything away from you all the time). I've had trouble feeling entitled to anything -- a blanket (got lots of 'em now!), a man, a life.
My therapist says I'm just very afraid.
So, that gives you a pretty good picture of what I'm up against.
Help!!! I really need help!!!! (Support.) I've worked really hard and in a lot of ways I'm in pretty good shape inside -- my self-esteem is generally pretty good, and I really do think that I have a lot to offer someone ... but the weight thing is really in the way. I'm at this point where emotionally I'm really ready, and know I'd be fine if I connected with someone, but it's going to take a long time, I would think a year, for me to lose the weight (which I am) and for my outside to catch up to my inside.
(I know, I know, friends at work tell me when someone loves you, they love you ... and group members say there's someone for everyone ... but live in the real world. That's just not what happens.)
So, I am afraid on SOOOOO many fronts. It's really hard to be facing this for the first time when you're in middle age. Yikes!! Probably anything at all anyone would have to say would be helpful. I know this is far from the kind of things people seem to discuss here ... but it really does arise from my background and many of the same issues that you all have faced. I feel so stupid -- anyone seems able to go out and do this (although I realize dating is hard at any age) ... it's just something I don't feel very cabable about.
