Maybe I'm the N - so confused

[towrite]

That's what my family would have me believe, so maybe I'd better admit it - or give in to it. Now my best friend (not my roommate) has left without a word. She told my roommate that there was not "room in [my] life to listen when someone else had problems" - meaning her, my BF. But she said not a word to me - just has not answered the phone, returned my calls or responded to my emails for 5 days. My RM says it's mean and she did not tell me what my BF said til this morning when I finally realized my BF was not going to respond to me. RM said, when I posed the question of why my BF didn't tell me, that I was "scary to talk to" b/c I had a quick come-back and that was why she had exploded at me and told me to go to a shelter last week. I had no idea she found me scary to talk to and was stunned. Deep down I understand that but don't see it as a valid excuse for bashing me. But the bottom line is I am losing my friends. I have sobbed all morning, trying to figure what I could have done differently and decided I am too absorbed with my own problems, so I guess that makes me an N. MY BF also reported that I always had to have the attention focused on me and my problems, otherwise I wasn't "happy".

How or what do I do when my personal gas tank feels like it's running on fumes and a friend wants me to focus on her problems? What if I just don't have the strength?

My RM told me this morning I needed to go to the local mental health clinic and get meds and talk to someone b/c I needed more support than she and my BF could provide. I hear the truth in that. Don't know why I am so reluctant to go. Just picturing the waiting room with drunk old men, drooling children screaming and crying, fights, and other stuff that feels like it will snap my last nerve.

What do I do? Accept that I'm an N? --- go to the nasty mental health center? ---- I have not been able to go to my p-t job all week 'cuz of a nasty cold and fever.

My brother, my NM, now my BF --- the only thing they have in common is ME. So maybe it is me.

[darren]

I thought I had NPD after spending six years with someone who did.  I even went to a doctor for it, and it took him less than a few minutes to tell me he really didn't think I was.  After all, if we were Ns, we wouldn't be able to admit we had any faults that were worth consideration of improving. 

After those six years of being treated very badly, I just simply got very depressed.  I was so sad and hurt that it was very hard for me to focus on anybodies problems but my own.  At the time, it was honestly so bad that it was the only thing I could think about.

I did get very self absorbed, and neglected a lot of my life, but it wasn't because I was N but because I was very depressed and worried. 

[towrite]

Thanks, D. Maybe it's b/c I doubt myself so much and don't know - don't have any clue, actually - when to accept others' opinions of me or cast them off. I am wondering if my RM told me to go to the Mental Health center for herself or for me. Not that more meds wouldn't help.

[Ami]

Dear Kate
 I am not a practicing professional ,but IMO, you are not an N. You seem to be a LV(little voice),like most of us, here.I have "known" you, for a year and a half.
 I have not seen ONE NPD trait in you. In fact, you seem not to have enough "N", as we little voices don't.
 Kate,one of the dominant traits of N's is to blame  others especially LV's for the N's mental problems, like Kelly's M is doing. My M does this ALL the time. She tells me that *I* am ALL the bad traits that SHE is. As I heal, I realize I am not like her ,in most ways.
Kate, if you were an N, you would not question yourself, as you do ,openly and  honestly.
N's don't do this.
N's blame other people and will not see it, even if  everyone else doe..
 Kate,you are a 'normal" person who had bad FOO patterning and little FOO support in hard times.
 I really have a feeling that very soon, in the next few days, your situation will turn around. I feel like you will be in a better place,physically.
 In the meantime, you are NOT an N(IMO).
If you read Vaknin's book, you could never fit in there.
You need more N traits ,not fewer.
 I am so sorry that you are suffering so deeply.I wish I could help, Kate.
 Love   Ami

[Gaining Strength]

My RM told me this morning I needed to go to the local mental health clinic and get meds and talk to someone b/c I needed more support than she and my BF could provide. I hear the truth in that. Don't know why I am so reluctant to go. Just picturing the waiting room with drunk old men, drooling children screaming and crying, fights, and other stuff that feels like it will snap my last nerve.

What do I do? Accept that I'm an N? --- go to the nasty mental health center? ---- I have not been able to go to my p-t job all week 'cuz of a nasty cold and fever.

I so relate with what you are writing.  I have had a similar experience in recent years where everyone turned against me and left me alone and empty.  I am not an N but I had taken on some N traits out of desperation.  I had been rejected and belittled for so long that I was calling out, screaming out for help, for understanding, for remedy.  It was my only conversation.  It was too much a burden for friends to carry (my family would never even consider taking on that burden.  It had been theirs in the first place.)

Your situation is dire and is it  possible that you can think or talk about nothing else?  There is some possibility that you are depressed or that you might be overwrought by anxiety due to the desperation of your situation.  Just think about the possibility of relief or release that could come IF you got help with some of this.

I am writing this out of MY experience.  I remember clearly thinking this very thing, "the only thing they have in common is ME. So maybe it is me."  It was a real turning point in my life.  Finally I was able to own without shame (believe it or not) my part in the loss of relationships.  I was then able to see fully for the first time what had happened to me as a child that produced in me the type of behavior that pushed people away.  When I first embraced that very thought that you expressed, I was finally able to truly begin my healing journey.

If my words offend you then please do not take them to heart.  If they resonate then I offer them as encouragement and hope.

I care deeply about you because I relate so closely to you.  Because of that it is very possible that I am projecting my own experinece onto you.  If I am - just reject my thoughts as irrelevant to you.  But do know this - I care, I deeply care about you and your terrible, terrible circumstances.  And I pray that you get relief soon.

Love to you in these difficult time,
Gaining Strength

[Gabben]

I have sobbed all morning, trying to figure what I could have done differently and decided I am too absorbed with my own problems, so I guess that makes me an N.

How or what do I do when my personal gas tank feels like it's running on fumes and a friend wants me to focus on her problems? What if I just don't have the strength?

My RM told me this morning I needed to go to the local mental health clinic and get meds and talk to someone b/c I needed more support than she and my BF could provide. I hear the truth in that. Don't know why I am so reluctant to go. Just picturing the waiting room with drunk old men, drooling children screaming and crying, fights, and other stuff that feels like it will snap my last nerve.

What do I do? Accept that I'm an N? --- go to the nasty mental health center? ---- I have not been able to go to my p-t job all week 'cuz of a nasty cold and fever.

My brother, my NM, now my BF --- the only thing they have in common is ME. So maybe it is me.

Dear towrite,

Please let me send you hugs, compassion and warmth -- you deserve it.

The very fact that you are questioning whether or not you are an N is a telling sign that you are most likely not. If you came from an abusive childhood then you likely have gravitated towards selfish minded and cold hearted people in your life...it is sort of like trauma repetition. Is there a pattern you can see here? Are there memories from your childhood that are flashing in your mind?

The first step that will bring relief and clarity is to look at ones self in an objective way, knowing that we all have flaws, n traits, and unresolved issues. We are all prone to selfish inclinations and Lord knows that is me. We all have the seven deadly sins alive and well running through our vains.

But this life crisis can be a turning point for you...it can be a major change if you open your mind and don't run. I hope I am not preaching to the choir here. You seem to have a lot of wisdom.

Feel free to PM me if you need personal support....I'll lend you my ear and my strengths I have learned from life's trials and tribulations.

Lise

[teartracks]

Oops towrite,

I forgot that you and I have something in common.  We both fired God.  I hired Him back and don't regret it, but I certainly know about some of your feelings. 

I stand by what I wrote above about the possibility of finding good counselors in churches.

Sorry things are so utterly crummy for you now.  I'll be rootin for you!

tt

 

[lighter]

towrite:

I don't think N's question whether their at fault or not.

They probably don't question their motives, actions or words with any valid consideration in that direction.

You're doing that..... searching out what's yours and the part you play.

Keep working on it.

Listen to what others say about how they view you..... then consider the source before internalizing it.

Lighter

ps... I also think that kind people..... who are willing to go with the flow at their own expense (meaning y0ou).... are sought out by difficult blaming personalities with regularity. 

[Hopalong]

Hi ToWrite,
Even if the source is questionable, there still might be accuracy in the suggestion:

My RM told me this morning I needed to go to the local mental health clinic and get meds and talk to someone b/c I needed more support than she and my BF could provide. I hear the truth in that

.

I hear truth in it, too, and admire you for acknowledging that. (It's not that "she wins" if you go for help...it's that YOU do.)

love,
Hops