Where I am.

[Leah]

I am believing, for you ((((((( Gaining Strength )))))))

Love, Leah

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Ami and Leah. 

[Gaining Strength]

I am looking forward - I am moving forward - the unprocessed woundings come along with me. 
I had thought that the shame work would open the manicles and free me and there would just be sweeping up left to do but alas not the case.

The sweeping up is actually unlocking more and more locks.  I have moved forward but I am not yet free.

Today I was moved to work on my closet.  That has been a major item at the top of my list for months on end.  I could not face it for so long and today was simply moved there. 

As I processed the piles I the rage and anger over the experiences of condemnation and rejection just bubbled up into volcanic explosions.  I needed to come here and post in hopes of some sort of validation from someone here, some sort of acknowledgement that I am on the right path and that those wounds are real and that someone cares.  My heart is open to receive.

Gaining Strength

[Ami]

Dear GS
 You have all that anger and rage b/c you WERE abused and violated by your parents. You had the appropriate reactions to your abuse. I am with you and acknowlege your pain and heartache, GS.    Love   Ami

((((((((GS))))))))))

[dandylife]

Gaining Strength, I don't really know your story so I went and read what you wrote on the other Board. One thing that struck me that you wrote,

"In one dream I was walking with my mother and someone else down a road.  There was no sidewalk but there were cars.  The person with us was a man who we were following.  My mother was walking very slowly and very wobbly but without her cane.  She was on the side closest to the side of the road.  There was no shoulder but something of an embankment.  She kept pushing me further out into the street and I asked her several times to be cognizant of that and to stay to the edge of the road.  When she did it again I switched sides and took the place on the edge of the pavement.  Suddenly she became all wobbly and began to fall.  

I get the meaning of this.  She will push my into harms way and if I take the upper hand and protect myself then she becomes needy in such a way as to force me back into harms way.  I won't give in to this anymore."

My therapist helped me to discover (not long ago!) what you found out from your dream:

1) Our parents (unwittingly or intentionally) pass along their flotsam, and we, as kids do not have the resources needed to confront and bring about the necessary change.

2) This flotsam can follow and plague us all through life until we "get it" and we find our voice and build up resources to protect ourselves.

3) We ARE strong and capable and we CAN be the mothers and fathers that failed us - for ourselves. But we need support and genuine, loving people in our lives to help us through it.

GS, you ARE on the right track - you are discovering every day how resourceful, bright, intelligent, kind and loving you are - and what you have to give to others. And that you can move forward from this day on - making sure that the child inside is protected from intentional and unwitting harm.

((((Gaining Strength))))

Dandylife

[Gaining Strength]

Ami and Dandylife thank you, thank you very much. Your words are life giving to me today.

 In many ways, this board has become for me the place I can come to to get what I did not get as a child.  I need lots of support and encouragement,  more than any individual can give - that's what makes this board so valuable to me - it is a collection of individuals and there is enough distance and protection so that people can help without being sucked in or sucked dry.  i can come here in need and receive a feel comforted and go on or go out to get more healing.

I was working outside, chipping away at the mess.  As I work on my "mess" I feel such oppression of condemnation descend on me.  It is this condemnation that has made breaking through so difficult.  I am shamed by the condition of my house and yard and I feel condemnation when I work on it, condemned and overwhelmed by the amount of work that needs to be done.  So I go out and work and feel the condemnation and call in another voice to hear support and encouragement to push me forward, encouragement for what I am doing rather than condemnation for allowing things to get where they are now.  That shame and condemnation for allowing things to get where there are is HUGE,  The source of that of course goes deep into the feelings my parents harboured against me my whole life. 

Each step that I make forward has got to be enough.  I have to overcome those voices that condemn and belittle, those voices that say I don't deserve and I am not worth the effort and that no matter what I do it won't make a difference.

[dandylife]

Gaining Strength,

Yes! You are battling those old scripts which told you those lies (that you are somehow unworthy, contemptuous, wrong, or bad). Keep rejecting them as they are false.

I see that you use metaphor quite quite effectively for healing. That is so wise. (cleaning up the "mess")

Physical labor can be so, so healing when you are working on "stuff"!

Keep on keeping on - I'm with you in spirit!

Dandylife

[Hopalong]

Dear GS,
I am so walking beside you.
I'm holding the bags, NOT judging you for piles or mountains of anything.

Things are not people. You are not your messes.

They are just messes. They no longer are symbolic of failure. They are just leftovers.
And we'll deal with them foot by foot.

(Maybe this is why I like Square Foot Gardning so much.)

Have you read the book, It's All Too Much? I think you would find this man very compassionate and very helpful. He approaches mountains of clutter and dirt with people who feel shamed by their failure to maintain an orderly home.

I'm getting it for myself. I'll order it right through Doc G's link.

love (and if you get it we can talk about it, eh?),
more love and it's only a mess, it's just a closet not the stocks, ain't nobody throwing tomatoes...

hugs
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Thank you.  I can't tell you how much it helps to have such support. 

Dandylife - Keep rejecting them as they are false. I will do that.  When I first learned how to do this I thought the battle was won.  I have been surprised that that was actually the beginning of the battle.  Now I see that labeling those messages as false and replacing them was the ammunition I needed to fight the battle and I couldn't even enter the fighting until I had this ammunition.

Glad to have the means. 
I'm with you in spirit!  Thank you.


Hops,
I am so walking beside you.
I'm holding the bags, NOT judging you for piles or mountains of anything.

It is such a help to have you beside me, not judging me.  So glad for your support.

I've read Square Foot Gardening but not It's All Too Much, but it sounds like it has my name on it.  I'm going to look into this.  I feel like the only way out is to overcome the shame - the shame is the barrier.  I'm no longer "stuck", I'm slowly moving stuff.  I am slowly pushing the shame out the door and along with it some of the "stuff" and clutter.

Thanks so much. - GS

[Ami]

Dear GS
 I wanted to start another thread about thinking I am "bad". It is such a constant theme . I can't seem to overcome the "basic" belief that I am bad.
 An N 'upbringing" IS like being in a cult. You get broken down . You lose the basic trust in yourself. You are rewarded when you lose your boundaries and punished when you have them. All in all, you are 'broken"
 I try and try to get back the basic foundation that I am simply 'human",not 'twisted "in some abnormal way that I can not trust.
 This is my biggest battle, trust in myself and being comfortable with my own power.
 My M  "struck" at these basic levels.
 I have hope, for the first time, that I can really heal with the Alice Miller information .    Love   Ami


((((((((GS))))))))

PS My house and lawn are  nice but I still have shame "out the whazoo"(lol)

[Certain Hope]

Today I was moved to work on my closet.  That has been a major item at the top of my list for months on end.  I could not face it for so long and today was simply moved there. 


Gaining Strength

Dear GS,

You didn't have to heed the call to be moved there... but you did. You chose to step forward, yet once again. Wow!
To me, that means you're no longer allowing your anger to be directed inward, as you were trained to do for so many years... and that's a wonderful development.

Takes alot of time and practice to stop punishing yourself for someone else's lack. How long and how much practice is not a question we need to answer, I don't think. For me, it's good enough to only trust that the One who loves us above all else will not push or pull us along against our will, but only at just exactly the right pace so that we are not drowned in the high waters.
Anyhow, in my opinion, you are most definitely on the right path and making steady, consistent progress!

With love,
Carolyn

[Gaining Strength]

I made it!!! I got so much done today.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!


When I am able to work out of desire rather than ought I am able to accomplish so much. 
I worked and got overwrought twice and each time I sat down and found a way to rewrite - once quickly and once it took a couple of hours  and then later I was able to work again for an hour or so without ever feeling shame.  This last time I started rewriting before the voices of condemnation ever got started.  And It Worked!!!

This has been such a period of progress in fits and starts but I see that the more I keep at the rewrite the more it works and the longer it lasts.  Looking forward until tomorrow.  Can't wait to try it again.  And that's a first.  I've never looked forward to tomorrow.

Support here has been awesome.  thanks guys - you've made all the difference in my life.

Certain Hope -  Your post came through just as I was typing. 
How long and how much practice is not a question we need to answer, I don't think.
Thanks for this.  I feel frustrated at times to post where I actually am because I have felt as though I was further along at times.  I always want the results instantaneously but it hasn't worked that way.  Once i get a technique to help me get to the next level I want instant help - but I have to practice, practice, practice.

you are most definitely on the right path and making steady, consistent progress! Thanks, that is so encouraging to hear and so encouraging to have a  day progress at long last.  I so appreciate your post and your encouragement.

[Iphi]

GS - I am so excited for you!  It is tremendous the approach you are taking to engaging with your experience.  Also, it is a really giddy-making thing the way you turned to focus on that closet.  I have areas of life exactly  like that closet, but different specifics, and I always feel that they are like a physical symbol of my 'unconscious'  they are like 'in denial.'  In short, I'm ignoring the area. lol!  And so I understand that energy is on the move when you are flowing and growing and turning to look at it and move things out.   But the closet is only a physical symbol of things going on inside you.  The really exciting stuff is the way you are rewriting and engaging with where you are in the moment, taking it where it is. 

I'm with you!

[sKePTiKal]

(oh! I'm so happy for you GS!!)

but your experience is bringing up a "hmmmmm" for me - how about rewriting the "rewrites"?

From an old lapsed artist, it sure sounds like what you're doing isn't so much erasing & correcting - though admittedly, that is one aspect of it - as much as it is "creating".

By heading off the need to "rewrite" - at the proverbial pass - you're are CREATING you... in the present moment. Actively, consciously, finding a way to express - through your physical self - THIS IS WHO I AM.

That's all there is to it - the goal of all this work, I think. Yes, the old emotions/habits still will linger, come up again like pesky moles (wack'em sister!) and they do this unbidden... but by creating your SELF, you'll start soon to see that these things bounce off you, can't pierce the solid YOU... they lose their "power"... because they aren't YOU anymore.

You are now claiming BELIEF in the POWER of POSITIVE!

[Certain Hope]

(((((((((GS))))))))))  I think you are...... da Bomb !!!          

I hope that today brought you some pleasures and joy and peace.

With love,
Carolyn

P.S.  Amber - this is so true and well-put:   

By heading off the need to "rewrite" - at the proverbial pass - you're are CREATING you... in the present moment. Actively, consciously, finding a way to express - through your physical self - THIS IS WHO I AM.

Exactly. Keeping it all in the present is what heals me as much as anything!