Listening to what people do NOT say

[Gabben]

Overtime, as I have grown emotionally and healed from some codependency, (well almost ) I've learned to listen to what people don't say. Especially after my run in with a full N who's modus operandi is smoke screens and mirrors.

The first question I want to ask is what do smoke screens and mirrors look like?


The next thought that I would like to put out there is how do you listen to someone, do you take all they say at face value, or do you question what they are not saying or what you are not hearing?

For instance, people who rarely talk about their own private struggles with emotion and who are not open with sharing their faults, but instead consistently point fingers, might be a potential N or someone with heavy N traits, perhaps? At least for me...when hearing the lack of heart, or lack of deep emotional sharing is a telling sign, or red flag.

[dandylife]

very interesting topic to me.

1 - I look for - do they SOUND sweet, but the message is cruel. "You look surprisingly good in that." etc.

2 - Do they turn what you're saying around to themselves? "Congratulations! I GOT THAT AWARD LAST YEAR AND...."

3 - Eye rolling is a sign of CONTEMPT. Always.  Call people on it when they do it to you. It's mean.

4 - Stonewalling is cowardly. It's okay to say "give me some time to think about this." but when they refuse to talk or resolve an issue, or agree to disagree even, that's cruel and abusive to your relationship.

A start!....

Dandylife

[nogadge]

Boy, asking opinions on something I've really sucked at for nearly 30 years with my ex.  I don't know, and am almost afraid to trust myself when I so misjudged the so in my life all this time.  It's definately hard to have faith in one self when it comes to trusting myself to really be able to tell the differences.  I want to believe they mean what they say and say what they mean, with out hidden messages and agendas.  Nogadge

[darren]

I find it hard to trust and judge people nowadays.  I don't know if I'm coming or going... judging people based on bad experience or setting myself up for a world full of conflict.

[Gabben]

very interesting topic to me.

1 - I look for - do they SOUND sweet, but the message is cruel. "You look surprisingly good in that." etc.

2 - Do they turn what you're saying around to themselves? "Congratulations! I GOT THAT AWARD LAST YEAR AND...."

3 - Eye rolling is a sign of CONTEMPT. Always.  Call people on it when they do it to you. It's mean.

4 - Stonewalling is cowardly. It's okay to say "give me some time to think about this." but when they refuse to talk or resolve an issue, or agree to disagree even, that's cruel and abusive to your relationship.

A start!....

Dandylife

Yes -- Indeed, eye-rolling is something to call people out on, contempt, to me at least, is a sign of hatred residing in someones heart. Hatred is never healthy.

Only God knows the hatred of my own heart and all that I have had to work through to get to a place of neutrality and objectivity when listening.

Thank you for that bit on stonewalling. Someone has been doing that to me in 3D and it does hurt.

[Gabben]

  I want to believe they mean what they say and say what they mean, with out hidden messages and agendas.  Nogadge

Me too, me too.

Your words bring up a good point about the need for active listening. It is easier to not question, less work.

Lise

[Gabben]

I find it hard to trust and judge people nowadays.  I don't know if I'm coming or going... judging people based on bad experience or setting myself up for a world full of conflict.

It does get easier Darren, it does, promise (((((((((((())))))))))))

Lise

[darren]

I find it hard to trust and judge people nowadays.  I don't know if I'm coming or going... judging people based on bad experience or setting myself up for a world full of conflict.

It get's easier Darren, it does, promise (((((((((((())))))))))))

Lise

Does it?  It sure seems like its taking a while.  I have manged to find some healthy people to let into my life that I can trust.  But for most people, its like I'm just being cautious and waiting for them to flip out and go crazy.  It seems they usually do.  Seriously though, having a few healthy relationships can offset that and make it much easier.  I don't think I couldn't have made it without a few stable people in my life. 

[gratitude28]

Lise,
When my mom was here, she would drop lines, like, "The skirt you wore yesterday looked nice," (meaning, I assume, the one I was wearing that day did not...).
I think I listen almost too much for these things now - it has become a bad habit. It is weird suddenly being able to "hear."
Love, Beth

[Gabben]

  Seriously though, having a few healthy relationships can offset that and make it much easier.  I don't think I couldn't have made it without a few stable people in my life. 

This is part of the ticket, what you said above. We need those healthy friends to help balance out the muck in the world.

Your healing path is wide-open meaning that we can continue down the road or we can jump back to our old ways. I think you are a survivor and a man of journey, you will continue.

Lise

[darren]

  Seriously though, having a few healthy relationships can offset that and make it much easier.  I don't think I couldn't have made it without a few stable people in my life. 

This is part of the ticket, what you said above. We need those healthy friends to help balance out the muck in the world.

Your healing path is wide-open meaning that we can continue down the road or we can jump back to our old ways. I think you are a survivor and a man of journey, you will continue.

Lise

Thanks!  I get a lot of inspiration here and that helps to motivate me.... and thats what I need the most.  I have a hard time getting motivated... hmm... maybe I should have bought that Playstation.