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overreaction, or not?

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tigerlily:
This is something that has been bothering me for a long time.  After I finally realized my mother was an N, a lot of things became clearer to me, such as her jealousy of anyone who took some else's attention away from her.  I realize now that she drove a wedge in between my father and me so that we couldn't have a normal relationship.  She always said she wanted him and me to be close, but she always tried to put me in a bad light with him.  He must have unconsciously realized what she did (not just with me, but anyone else who might be in his life) so he tried to keep a low profile to keep from riling her up by removing himself emotionally to keep the peace.  When she wasn't around he relaxed and we had a nice, easy going time of it and enjoyed each other, but when she would return to the scene it was amazing how the wall went up. Growing up in this kind of atmosphere I got pretty paranoid about her because I knew I could never trust her motivations.  So now, looking back, I don't know if I have overreacted to the way she handled my dad's death, or if she really did another number on my head.
  Several years ago, after I was married and living 1000 miles away from them, my dad got up at 4 am to go the the bathroom and collapsed in the house from a ruptured abdominal aneurism.  She called 911, they resuscitated him in the ambulance and he actually made it to the hospital.  He was awake enough to hear the doctor tell him and my mother that he was going to have to go into surgery, but that he probably had only a 10% chance of making it through.  His last words to my mother was "It doesn't look too good."  He went through many hours of surgery, made it through, but lived only until 6 pm that night.  My mother had 13 hours to call me and tell me what was going on.  She didn't call me until an hour before he died.  I would have had enough time to fly there and be there with him during his last hours.  But she didn't.  It seemed to me to be a big slap in the face because it was like I was not important enough to be told about something so significant in our family.  When I confronted her about it, her response was "I didn't want to worry you."  I think that excuse is b--- s---.
I should have been given the decision about how I was going to deal with that information. I feel she robbed me of something so dear, and I cannot ever forgive that.  But I am so used to her stuff over the years that I feel like I can't sanely judge whether I am being paranoid about her reaction, or if I am reading this whole episode right. Does anyone have a view on this?

bunny:
My view: you're reading it right. She prevented you from making a last visit to your father out of jealousy.

{{{ tigerlily }}}

bunny

Discounted Girl:
my view. Your mother is a monster and did in fact cheat you out of something very very important. It was not her right, she way way overstepped. It is disgusting, vile and unforgiveable. She sounds like my mother, a human pig. How dare they use and abuse and spread such wickedness. Their vampire needs to suck us dry make them appear not to have a soul, I don't know, it's scarey to think about. I don't care what anyone says, to treat their own flesh and blood child in such a manner places them beyond redemption. Wash your hands of the old bag, she is dirt.

Moonflower:
...

tigerlily:
What makes me so mad is that she tried to make it seem like she was trying to protect me.
 She always made it look like she was the good soul and I was the ungrateful daughter.  I guess I must have bought into it because I always question myself and doubt my reactions to things.  I am having a hard time breaking that behavior.  I remember her always telling me I shouldn't get angry, that she would never have to get angry but I "took advantage of her good nature" and forced her to be, that I "imagined" something she did because she "would never do that", etc.  As an adult I would allow people to walk all over me because I didn't think I had a right to my feelings or I wasn't sure what I should be feeling.  I am learning gradually to trust my own instincts, but it sure is difficult sometimes.

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