I'm losing

[seasons]

myself, feel like I"m going crazy. How can this continue to happen?

Is it me?

Why am I a magnet to so many peoples garbage. Bullies on his side.

Dh and I went to the wake, a few digs got through it.

The next morning we made it to the church for the funeral. The mass was beautiful, sil eulogy of her mother was painstakingly beautiful. Dh and I just wept with with joy of what they had and our hearts really felt their great loss.
Witnessing the rippling effect of such love, being apart of a family, in the truest sense of the word was a gift to be a witness to.

Well, I prayed, I prayed so hard, to forgive. Felt a release. For a short time.

THEN, as we are giving eachother the sign of Peace, dh mutters something under his breath. I then hear his sister say do you want
Roz? Dh says "no forget it".
I'm feeling the tension, and heard my husband utter he's still the same.

I am freaking out inside, we are in mass, a time to mourn, to celebrate a dear woman's life, her eternity with our loving God and this happens!

As we leave the church I whisper what happened?!!!!!!!!!!
Dh husband says he reached out past his sister to her husband to shake his hand, and say peace be with you, when his bil just looked right at him and grinned and never extended his hand.
I couldn't believe this happened. I thought maybe it was a mistake.

No it wasn't. We went to the cemetery and left right after and didn't attend the family gathering after. Just left without saying good bye at the cemetery.
Watching his brother go over to his middle brother and give him a big hug and shook hands. He never glimpsed at his younger brother
or acknowledged him.
Definitely not in the click.

This is rude behaviour, in Church was my husbands Brother in law, at the cemetery it was his Brother that ignored is presence. Bil that lost his mother in law.

Can anyone explain how dh and I attract too many people like this?
We are both the youngest out of our families? Is our existence that sickening to people?

Forget about me, my dh his one of the kindest, most respectable, sensitive loving person I have ever known. He is not a wimp but a true gentleman in todays times.
Instead they relentlessly trash him.

Then our oldest dd comes home so happy about her last day of school, today. We put on the happy face, not to hurt or take away from her special time of her life.

When I really want to yell, we have no extended family, we can't see them again, they are evil...................I DID NOT.

Instead I engulfed myself in her joy. Smiled and laughed as we made graduation cupcakes with smiley faces, cap and tassels. They were so CUTE. 

I don't know what to do? I feel trapped in our own life. Trapped with siblings we did not choose, siblings that would disgrace us over and over again.   

                      Thank you for giving me a place to share. When I felt all alone this morning coming here made me feel like their is a family unit who is pulling for each of us, to be the best we can be in a very imperfect world.  love seasons

[lighter]

I sometimes think that small imperfect people tend to scapegoat and blame those that make them feel small and imperfect.

Never mind that no one's perfect....

it's just that they probably don't have to notice it so much around people who're willing to towe the line and behave as small and petty as themselves?

Towe the dysfunction FOO party line?

I guess any group can move like that, come to think of it.

I hope you continue to rise above their petty hurtful innapropriate behavior.....

                                                         teaching your children to do better.

That's all that matters in the end....

I think.

Lighter

[Ami]

Yes, small  people tend to scapegoat those who make them feel small and imperfect. It is  true and the small  people will never acknowlege it. There is s/thing in the scapegoated one that  the bully envies, b/c the bully knows they are "less "than the one they are scapegoating. They are threatened by some superior  quality ,but  INSTEAD  of facing themselves and trying to better themselves, they try to destroy others.
    Seasons, you are a beautiful soul.    Ami

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((seasons))))))))))))))))

I am not sure why we got put with the families we did... there must be a reason. It must have been something we needed to see and learn from. That is what I try to believe.

And, like Lighter said, I teach my kids well because of it. I teach them to be loving and caring.

Lots of love,
Beth

[seasons]

I hope you continue to rise above their petty hurtful innapropriate behavior.....

                                                         teaching your children to do better.

Thanks Lighter-
Yes, I hope I can rise above, at times it's tough, but well worth the health and happiness of our children. seasons

Seasons, you are a beautiful soul.    Ami

This is what I am struggling with, what do to I protray, am I mean, rude, selfish, unaproachable and don't know it?
Have I / we done something so terrible and we don't even know it?

I'm tryint to think back, when we went to the wake. I was strong, left all Foo behind. Went to Bil gave a hug and gave my sympathies, did not hang around so their would be no bitter words.
Went to sil and held her as she wept in my arms, we wept together she new I new her pain.
Then sat with family, after saying hello with a hug. I felt good, I was trying not to carry old pains, even recent.
A few snide remarks. Sil asking if I'm 10 years older than I am, she tried to embarrass me but I just laughed inside that she was acting like an idiot. I've been her sil for 21 years she knows my age, just try to plan, I choose not to play, even though she continued to try and provoke me. I still smiled, walked around with my husband enjoyin the family photos, movies and loving memories.

But next day I wasn't strong enough. I feel like the little person, wanted to run away and I did.
It hurts me that I couldn't go attend after the cemetery and share time with loving people. The sick ones chased little weak me away. Which left me raging mad. Hating to see that in myself.
Feeling I prayed I wouldn't have. Not liking myself, for letting them get to me.

I also feel like I am in jail with these people, I thought things had changed a bit since dh dad passed away. I was happy inside for the little progress I thought we were making.
Then when I didn't expect it they stung again!

My daughter is graduating and I wish I could rent a family to celebrate with instead of feeling the own me because I need their presense for my daughter. It S####S, sorry but thats how I feel.
seasons who needs a divorce from them, so many of them. bleh!

[Ami]

Dear Seasons,
 You are having a BIG breakthrough. Sit with those feelings and try to see where you felt them in childhood.I bet it is a replay of your deep, deep inner feeling about yourself, replaying from the unconscious, so that it can finally heal.
 I am going through the same type of thing,now. You are not alone and it is really, really scary. Love you, Seasons

[Hopalong]

Aww, Seasons.
Bless you for hanging on for your daughter's sake (I hope her graduation is THIS month), but after that, keep in mind that one of the nicest things about extended family is that you can divorce them so gently they don't even get to pitch a fit.

I think after this amazingly petty behavior that it would be a very very healthy thing for you to set new boundaries around them. I believe passionately, after what I've been through with my brother, that it really is WRONG for people to spend countless years suffering emotional abuse from biofamily members simply because there are shared genes and some shared history.

And pushing 60, I'm getting PASSIONATE about how life is too damn short to burn up any more of it in misery over people who either cannot or will not change, and who never fail to make you miserable.

Can you create your own extended family? Of friends? I know spending 10+ years in the same church has done everything for me, as far as that goes, with all its opportunities for small-group interaction and friendships deepened through other activities.

I support you totally in pulling strongly back or even all the way out of the picture. It's healthy. It's not a failure, either. You're not failing to create a happy biofamily. You're deciding with sanity to put your energy into positive relationships with new people who could become lifelong close friends.

It's a much better investment, imo...

xo
Hops

[seasons]

I am not sure why we got put with the families we did... there must be a reason. It must have been something we needed to see and learn from. That is what I try to believe.

And, like Lighter said, I teach my kids well because of it. I teach them to be loving and caring.

Lots of love,
Beth
 

 
Thank you so much Beth. I thought after praying that there has to be a reason too, grow from this pain, make healthier decisions for myself ???????? Not sure what yet. lol
That what hurts so much is our children are very good kind gentle people, they deserve to be surrounded by people like them, loving kind spirits. It sounds so easy to have, why does it have to be this way.

love seasons

[seasons]

Can you create your own extended family? Of friends? I know spending 10+ years in the same church has done everything for me, as far as that goes, with all its opportunities for small-group interaction and friendships deepened through other activities.

I support you totally in pulling strongly back or even all the way out of the picture. It's healthy. It's not a failure, either. You're not failing to create a happy biofamily. You're deciding with sanity to put your energy into positive relationships with new people who could become lifelong close friends.

It's a much better investment, imo...

xo
Hops

Hops, funny you would mention a small group interaction. Dh and I just finished a course at another church, unrelated to church.
But I found myself really liking these people,  more belonged to the church. I was sad to say good bye.

Where? Any ideas.

Thank you, your description of creating your own extended family, brought a smile and soothed my heart. I wonder if it is possible for me to do, try?

thanks Hops oxox

[Hopalong]

Seasons, thanks for the interest...building community/extended family is a favorite theme in my life.

I haven't been able to for the last 10 years with Mom, but before that in my other homes and from now forward I'll do it again. I LOVE to:

--ignore a messy house and call up 12 of my favorite or interesting people I just like, even if I don't know them well, and tell them, I want to have a happy sloppy potluck with people in jeans, come as you are, and how's next weekend? Bring kids and dogs and a musical instrument if you play!

--then play a lot of music from the past that feels happy (soul music, great folk, jazz, whatever). If anybody's in the mood to sing and play, we jam along or make our own

--string up twinkly lights in the yard

--pull everybody into some goofy wordgames to break the ice and then let it go...make sure there are 80 y/os and a few kids, everybody else can be in between. Multigenerational always makes folks happy.

--just be totally happy to have good people around me

I love events like that, and they really do build family when they're repeated semi-regularly over the years. Another thing I may do sometime this year is start a bi-monthly gathering at my house. I might call it The Sloppy Salon. Just invite similar groups over to bring something (anything, no fancy menu plans, paper plates) ... and sit around and talk through the twilight, read poetry, whatever.

In fact, some of my own friends hosted a MAGICAL poetry night at their home a few years ago. There were two Serious Poets (me and a man from NC) and several guest who had some to read also. They did the lights, and wine, and it was a lovely night. They had two periods of 30 minutes when the "pros" gave our readings, divided by a break. Then another 45 minutes when any guest who'd brought one (including any age or skill level) could read too. There was a lot of talk and laughter and nice potluck food.

Not a complicated thing to arrange, but so memorable. What I love is to create a memorable happy gathering with a feeling of magic about it.

Now THAT'S family! And if I could I'd invite every person on VESMB as guests of honor.

xxoo
Hops