Closing letter to ex re: use of sons

[nogadge]

The following is a letter I wrote in response to the court hearing with my ex yesterday regarding the damages he caused when he kicked it, and the menucia he has used to get out of it at our sons expense.

          " Not only did you put your bald faced lies in writing in the letters you sent to me and to the courts; but, by your own admission, you actually tried using this "self-professed hearsay" in the statements that you made, as part of your testimony to the judge while we were in court yesterday regarding the damages you caused to my car when you kicked it.
           I will do whatever is necessary to protect our children from your actions, if you ever have the audacity and gull to try and pit any of our children, at anytime, against each other the way you have attempted to do using our sons against each other with your bald faced lies, just to get out of being held accountable/responsible for your actions as you did yesterday in court to avoid having to answer for your actions because you lack self control and do not thionk or feel you are accountable by neither yourself or to anyone else for anthing; nor, that you should be held as you are, to being personally accountable for/being/taking the responsibility/consequences for/of your own actions.  Least of all, GOD FORBID, to me."

  Half of me thinks it might have should of waited, but the other half feels this needed to be said, and to him.  Regardless of how he takes it, and how furious and inflamed it seems to him.  What he has done is wrong.  He looked so different yesterday than I know or remember him to be.  He di not sound or act like the man I remember spending over half my life with.  He was pensive, unemotional and hesitant.  He sounded so unconvincing, like he was grasping, but knew he was believalbe in his lies.  He made sure topoint out what a vindictive, hatefully mean spirited person I was who had spent the past 3-5 years doing nothing but harrasing him non-stop, angry that he had moved on with out me. 
  It may have been true before I learned the truth and what his true intentions were, but since then, NO.  I spent the past several years trying to understand and figure out what I was doing wrong, what to do when he knowingly had me twisted, bent over and tied up into knots.  Not anymore.  This is the process of my closure.  It is tying up the loose ends and letting go of the things that have been left unresolved, in need of finishing.  Only this one is now up to the judge, I don't have to decide the outcome....I am glad to accept the results one way or the other.  It is now resolved and over. Nogadge

[Gaining Strength]

What a difficult day!  How brave you are.  You have found yourself in this painful process.  Whlie his actions still cause you pain you are clearly standing on your own feet and I am thankful that you now have a strong voice.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Gaining Strength

[Certain Hope]

Hugs to you, NoGadge... I'm sorry it's been so rough for you and for your sons...  and yet very glad that you are now able to see yourself standing apart from that empty shell of a man.
Of course... in N-land, when he kicks something (had my share of that nonsense)... it is always the other person's fault, because N, after all, always has the purest of motives and has never behaved inappropriately in his life.
Maybe his demeanor hasn't really changed so much at all, just that now you have new eyes through which to view him.
I hope that this will all be resolved for you soon.

Carolyn

[gratitude28]

I hope the truth will be clear for all soon so that you won't need to point out the snaekiness of your NH.
Best wishes.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

(((((((((((Nogadge)))))))))
You are trying to find your own truth and the truth of the situation. You are standing up . That is what we are trying to do in finding our voices.
 I admire your stand.   Love   Ami

[nogadge]

Ami, learning the truth and what his true intentions really were was the reason I finalized our divorce after 4 years of believing in his words that we could make it work out, we just needed a little more time.  The we meant him and his other so, i knew nothing about,which was the real truths I began seeing, and why i finalized the divorce...dispite his continuing to deny her when I confronted him.  I could tell and knew the truth by the way he acted when I did.

G28,  Learning these truths took me a long, long tome, and now that I know, I can handle it and I will deal with it.  It is what it is.  Sadly, I don't have to prove the truths to my children, they already know the qualities and flaws of their father.  They accept him as he is, and love him dearly.  They enjoy being with him, seeing him and yes, they know who they can depend on and turn to no matter what they do or say or how they act...and that is me.
I am helping them to find their voices and their own way to  use them in disagreement and choices with their father.

 
CH, I think I have always been the one who stood strong,and accepted taking the brunt of many things that happened....because someone had to and it just seemed easier for me to, so I never really questioned.  You are right, I can't say that his demeanor is what changed, nore than likely having the truth slap me in the face helped.
GS,  Sometimes the hardest thingis deciding to do what is right.  Not legal, what the right thing is, and then following thru.  I've never had much of a problem in this area, EXCEPT with my x.  Now, he is no different, and I have no reason to show him any defference or exceptions when it comes to right from wrong.  It is even more crutial.....and imperative.....for our childrens sake.
I do not believe in him as I used too, but I refuse to condemn and give up hope on him.  I choose to believe he has goodness and can/will show his positive attributes and build on them, while accepting what he truly is capable of and who he really is.
 Nogadge

[Hopalong]

(((((((((Nogadge)))))))))))

You have been sorely manipulated by a weak maN.

I hope that while you maintain forgiveness and compassion, you will also NOT hope or expect much change.

I hope for you that you will not hope. (?)

But I hope for you too, that you will turn your focus onto reclaiming serenity and building a new life for yourself that is completely out of his view, even if you're standing on the porch saying goodbye.

A private, happy, growing and enriching life  that is simply too interesting and satisfying for him to take up space in it, even though you'll see him now and then due to the kids.

This will be a wonderful chapter for you.
love
Hops

[nogadge]

Hops,
  I've come to look at the realities/truths this way.  There are always 3 sides/truths to stories....mine-the way I see it
                                                                                                                                     his- the way he sees it
                                                                                                                                     and the there's the reality- that's what really happened between us, whether we like what it is or not
I can't not forgive and care, that's why I stayed so long...only I truly believed he would change to love and cherish me as I have him (blind faith).  Not going to happen (truth).  No contact eliminates the emotional rollercoaster, I can't afford the ride anymore, the cost is to steep.  Having the truth about his real intentions after all has been said and done is restoring peace thru acceptance of knowing after years of being bent twisted and tied up in knot, unable to think, figure things out or what and how todo what needed to b e done.  Knowing where to start is coming easier. 
He only played me because I  didn't want to face the truth...he just didn't have the right to do, say or treat me the way he did, using me all these years because I was convient and he didn't have to worry about sharing me.  He will never change in how he thinks about me, I know this.  I don't expect him to ever find any redeeming qualities within me,  he see and knows there are none.  I know better, it just hurts.  There is absolutely nothing I have ever done, could/would do to deserve this except to believe in the honesty of the love I thought we shared but did not.    Nogadge

[Hopalong]

There is absolutely nothing I have ever done, could/would do to deserve this except to believe in the honesty of the love I thought we shared but did not.

And you still didn't deserve it.

Eventually, you'll find that believing in yourself is the most important thing of all, that you are strong and worthy and a fine human being and deserving of all that's good and capable of creating happiness.
YOU are all these things, so believing in YOU will give you confidence that while you may be badly hurt, you are not destroyed.

You will heal, and you will move forward into a satisfying new life. It will take time but you WILL look back one day and realize how very, very okay you are.

(Better to believe in your own earned strength and wisdom, that in someone else's abstraction.)

hugs
Hops

[Leah]

Better to believe in your own earned strength and wisdom, that in someone else's abstraction

That is so TRUE

Abstractions = Generalizations

Which IMO have a clear "emotional health warning"

Leah x

[gjazz]

Nogadge; Sorry to be "absent" while you were going through such a tough time.  Me, too.  But know that your sons will always know you stood up to their father on their behalf.  Whatever this means to them now, it will mean the world when they are older.

[nogadge]

Thanks Hops 
gjazz, you made a good point.  I didn't think of it as standing up for my son, but you are so right.  That's exactly what is is.  Maybe that's why I had a perfect mothers day with the time I spent with them.  I couldn't have asked/thought/wished for the time to have been better.  They made me feel like queen for the day, nothing like I felt from their father all these years.  I am so proud of who my children are growing to be as they become adults.
Thanks all, Nogadge