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When we are voiceless, who are we really?

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Anonymous:
Do you ever wonder who you really are?

Sometimes I look at the path my life is taking, and I imagine that I am someone else... Someone less reserved, more spontaneous.  Lots of my choices might be different, even my career path.  Who could I be, or should I be.  Of course the grass is always greener.  Maybe If I had that life, I would long for this life that I have.

We are who we are for many reasons. But I think when we are arround Ns, they sort of suck out our individuality. We live into their images for us (positive and negative)  We do things to please others, or to spite others (either case, in reaction to them), and we don't even know who we are or would be without these influences.  

How do we go about discovering who we really are. Lately I am wondering "what if I have been wrong about who I am?" How would I know? What is the cost of making it right?  Is it possible?

tigerlily:
I know exactly what you mean.  I tried all my life to please my mother, do what she wanted, take care of her needs, let her be the focus of everything, stifle who I wanted to be, etc.  Now when I am understanding what she was all about (narcissism) I am standing for the first time, looking at myself, and wondering how I can start all over and discover who I really am.  It's mind boggling.  I'm in a profession I don't really like, I made decisions that I shouldn't have because of what was expected of me, etc., and I don't know where to start changing things and making myself the focus of things, instead of everyone else.  It's like getting into a car for the first time and trying to drive without instructions.  I want to have the control, but I don't want to get into an accident.

Moonflower:
...

Cj:
I'm not really sure how to answer that. Personally, ever since I started having depersonalisation, I've started to feel I don't have a strong sense of self. At first I thought 'God, I've lost myself' (which is *literally* how it can feel). But then, the more I look at my life *before* I even experienced that, (a few years back), I'm not sure I ever have had a strong sense of self :roll:. :S
I mean, where is the line between being 'not having a self', and not really feeling much about yourself at all (I mean *really* feeling, with conviction. A conviction that fills you up, and makes you feel strong, and alive)?
The way I regarded myself, and my feelings...those things had little importance in a way, (even though I didn't realise thats how it was!).
But its something deeper. Its the standing outside yourself, and the ability to interpret how you feel: ''This is how 'I' feel'', ''this is how 'I' see things''. (And most important of all, ''It (how I see things) matters!'')
It was just never very strong. At the same time, my anxiety disorder played a huge part in inability to shape myself, in terms of relating/getting close to others, but I do feel there has been a 'lack of self' even still.
I used to spend a lot of time looking in mirrors, imagining being someone else, people I admired. Pretending, or wishing. A whole lot. I never wanted to be me. When I think about it, my fashioning myself on other people went on way to long, 'till It dawned on me I didn't really have a strong identity. Even that (acting/impersonating) I found hard, such was my self hate, and feeling of being nothing. I'd *try* to feel emotions, and feel nothing.

Even now it is cutting me to pieces (although that might just be anger/depression). I know my attitudes (at 29) on somethings', and yes, I do have attributes so evident, I can't dispute they are a real part of me, but seem to be so full of contradictions or uncertainty on how I feel about others (attitudes to thing's/people/even friends) I feel retarded. People my age, and younger, seem so tight in their skins, while I drift in and out, loosely, feeling little definition.
I used to hope for a relationship, but have realised it will be a long time before I have one, because of how I am. It would just confuse things even more becoming involved/close (not even sure that'd be possible anyway) with another person. (or am I being too negative?).
I've no doubt lack of 'real' (as opposed to 'acted out' life experience has a lot to do with this). I just feel so behind. For me, its something I feel I have to build up slowly, piece by piece.

bunny:
The way I learned about my identity was by starting with non-threatening preferences. (This idea came from a book I read.) First, think about my favorite colors, movies, writers, music, foods, activities. This gets an identity going.

bunny

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