Hi Sea,
Your not alone and your feelings, thoughts and fear has been shared by many of us here, including myself. Please remember all you have learned. I'm not so sure that when I sat and listened it was any different. You see We Loved them even if it was not returned. It was an unbearable pain to find out that you lived a lie and was loving someone not available and the cruelest of human kind who Off and leaves you Wounded alone. I think for me although I knew it was over I was left with a bleeding heart not so much that he didn't love me anymore but that I was in love with a predator. A predator!!!!!!!!! I was tricked and had a knife in my back that he twisted on his way out. You don't expect these things out of a person that is Family. Being around someone without a conscious is difficult for anyone. You have to wrap your thinking around that. Embrace that. Take that deep into your very soul.
No conscious. They are machines. They just operate to survive. They will take out anyone to get what they need. They think of no one. This Sea, your ex, saying he loves you is just another drive by to damage your soul. Drive By. Remember that.
I don't think that at least for me that I looked for my ex to love me again or believe he loved me (somewhere in confusing of my human mind and my human emotions) I just wanted validation I was Wounded and he was the Criminal. I wanted a real validation of I tried to destroy you emotionally..
And you know someone with no conscious will ever feel that. They may say it but it's not real. Remember the man you loved was not him. You were in love with an image and when the real person showed up he was a monster! A soul sucking monster.
It's alright. I loved a monster too! I didn't know either for a long time. Although I was away from him for years, no contact, I was still very damaged and took years of healing (emotionally). Emotional abuse is no joke. It's not easy to just get over it.
So you had to appease your offender. I did too. Made me sick to become so vulnerable. But did you? No I don't believe so. You did what you had too. Your getting yourself into a safe position. You seen anger, you saw a threat and you acted on your best interest (you) you calmed him, you gave him what he needed, FOR NOW, to get you to a safer place with your home. It's alright.
You see Sea this is a Game. It's check Mate right now. Although we don't want to play (we have to make the next move) when called on it. I think you did the right thing and I'm sorry because I know first handed that you want to throw up about your move, your begging, but it was only to clam the storm, give you time and stand off your attacker. It is no different then if we were physically attacked, we would try to talk ourself out of it. Appeal to our attacker to not attack. Get away safely. This is what you did. You are self protecting. You are not weak. I think what you did was rather, Strong and Smart. You acted, as you, had to at the moment. Alright that moment is over. Next!
Now do as Hops says: Get an attorney! Get him out of your life totally house and all. He is a SOUL SUCKING MACHINE!!!!!!!!! You owe him nothing. He holds a contract over you, kind of like, the Devil. Break all ties.
Send him straight back to hell where he has always lived.
Love
Deb
