That's what my friend and I say whenever something challenging -- major or minor -- comes up. So, oye! Oye, oye, oye!!!!
In replying to Seasons, that thing about being valued less than the family dogs came up. My sister is a dog fanatic, and she and my mother had brother/sister dogs at one point. For those years I would watch how the dogs got all the love and attention, and I got none. I would sit there and just ACHE inside. I'm always reminded of the Bible passage, "even the dogs get the crumbs from the table."
And I mean that this happened, very literally. My mother and sister (she's the firstborn) always had this tremendous bond, and it grew stronger in adulthood. It was like a closed club that I was not allowed to be a part of. Even if the three of us were together, it was as if it were just them, and I wasn't there. Nothing I said got validated or attention or even a nod. I know it was intentional (my mother much more so than my sister, but she certainly did it). My mother consciously withheld attention from me; I could see it very plainly.
That's my whole schtick with my mother: she neglected me, always. She didn't take care of me physically, much less emotionally. I have picture after picture where my sister and brother are well-dressed, combed, clean, and I have been ... left to the dogs, so to speak. My hair looks like it was cut by going through a vendor, I have not been washed (these are pictures when I'm 2-3 years old), and I have the wierdest outfits on -- sheer summer dresses at Christmas time, that sort of thing.
There was never a baby picture to be had of me.
This "closed club" was so painful to me. My mother would buy my sister very nice presents for Christmas and her birthday -- things from Orvis, LL Bean, etc. -- and I would get s___t. Once, for instance, I got a cheap gray sweatshirt. When my parents went on trips they'd bring my sister back really nice things, and I got cheap crap.
Christmases were so painful, more so as an adult, even. They are so much nicer now that my mom is gone. Horrible thing to say, isn't it?
My mother would pull all sorts of shenanigans when I was an adult. Our church had an annual mother-daughter banquet for mother's day, and she would always go with my sister but find a way to make sure I wasn't invited -- either forget me, or tell me the day of, that kind of thing.
She gave me the wrong time and even the wrong town for my favorite aunt's funeral (her sister) -- so I looked like a fool. The service was actually an hour-1/2 away from where my grandparents lived, which is where my mother said it was. I was so embarassed, and angry.
When I was little, I shared a room with my sister. When I was 5 I finally got my own room, but it had been the family junk room.
No one cleaned it out for me. They kept all the junk in it. I had no real furniture, except for this strange old couch that converted into a bed. This was the 50s; it wasn't like today's sofabeds. It was some strange concoction that folded in half length-wise (from arm to arm). It was old, and probably broken. I never had real bedclothes, just some old holey sheets. During the night the bed inevitably folded half-way back again, and since I was so little I got caught in it, and couldn't move. No one helped me. I just lay there in a tangle of old sheets, caught up in the bed.
She wouldn't let me have a blanket, ever, even when I was much older. If I took one that no one was using (an old army blanket from the attic, for instance), she would take it away from me.
And on and on and on.
But that dog thing ... that makes me feel lower than low, to know that I wasn't even as important to them as their dogs.
I've already been having a tough week for other reasons -- coming down hard on myself for the mess that's happened to me in the last five years (mostly due to losing two jobs; the job market and my field changed completely when I lost the second one. My field pretty much disappeared, I was unemployed for about two years, and now I have a steady job but it pays much less, just barely meets my living expenes, but it's secure so I am afraid to leave it. However, it's WAY beneath my ability.) The financial implications have been huge. I have had such a hard time. I also gave up on myself as a result. I have had had just the hardest time. Could write more but this is already long enough. Could tell you tons more about my mother. And everyone thought she was a saint. You would too, if you'd met her.
What's more, when things got rough it was always the N I relied on for a boost. (I didn't know he was an N, he was my pastor, and he was terrific at it. I really, really miss him as a friend. We really had a good 10-year history before disaster struck. I know that seems strange, since he's an N, but he pulled it off. He really was great.)
Anyway, the dog thing is really stings. Not sure I've ever told even group about it. Thanks for letting me vent.
LC
