Rage and Dispair

[Gaining Strength]

Rage is bubbling out of me today.  I am 5 or 6 again and I am so rejected. 

I want bubble gum but I can't have it b/c last time i got it on my face but my brothers can have it.  I can't wait to get old enough to be included.

We are saying prayers in my brothers' room.  I want to say prayers in my room one time.  The next night my father sent my mother and me to my room.  I can't wait until we all say prayers in my room one time.

We have a baby sitter.  My parents instruct her to help my oldest brother make a cake.  I can't wait until I am old enough for someone to bake a cake with me.

I am all alone.  My brother got a badminton set for his birthday.  I try to set it up.  I faint and hold onto the pole.  It is hollow and it bends and breaks.  I am punished. 

It is time for breakfast.  I hate eggs but we have them everyday.  I gag as I eat a bite or two.  Then I ask to be excused.  I'm told when I finish my eggs.  I scoop the last couple of bites into my mouth and leave.  I go to the bathroom to spit the eggs out.  I am punished again and made to eat eggs every day.  I gag every day.  I am punished every day.

I want to be loved.  I am not good enough.  I want to be included but I am not old enough and I am a girl.  I am desparate and the desparation causes me to bubble up inside.  It creates an energy, an anxiety.  I am desparate.  It is a terrible, terrible feeling.  I want to do what it takes to be included.  The energy of despair popped out in different ways - too much energy - always in trouble - a behavior problem - too much energy.  Hated being in trouble, hating having no outlet for energy, hated being in trouble, hated breaking things, hated being in trouble.  Only wanted to be good, only wanted to be praised and loved.

I am so filled with rage.  I hated who I was.  If I could only be better then i would deserve what I had.  But I never deserved it and I don't deserve now.  This is the lie I have lived with my whole life.  Now I must completely destroy it.  I am so angry.

Don't deserve.  I don't deserve nice things. I don't deserve good things.  I don't deserve love and friends and happiness.  If I did , then they would have helped me and they would help me still. 

Please don't abandon me. Please don't leave me.  Please help me.  I need help.  But they abandoned me anyway.

I want to reach the bottom of this pit.  I want to get to the pain underneath.  I want to excavate all the darkness and let it out.  I want wholeness now.

[sKePTiKal]

If I could only be better then i would deserve what I had.

Oh.... you poor sweet thing!

You are better than you know. You DO deserve to be seen, appreciated, and loved for you you ARE... and not for how well you met the "rules".

The "rules" were unfair - designed to keep you trying to be something other than yourself; designed to make you feel bad. The "rules" were made up and they were DIFFERENT for you and your brothers; they were MEAN rules... made by MEAN people. Only God knows why they would be this mean - but it's not because you deserved it, sweetie... the "why" is about them, not about you.

But I hear your cries for help. I won't go anywhere (except for lunch, soon). I won't leave you alone. I will be back soon.

(((((((((((((((ShameSlayer)))))))))))))))))))))

[Gabben]

Dear SS,

I hear your words, I hear your pain, I care.

Lise

[Iphi]

Hi SS - I've got a hand to hold and all the time in the world.

Also, the most comforting song I know:

My heart attends to you as a mother's hears while her children sleep
Now look, see how they're dreaming

Don't go so deep in slumber
Though you'll wander in sleep
Don't you fly too far away

Some men die without crying
Suffering so long and alone
Softly, children, dry your eyes
Gently, children, be wise

My ear attends to you as a mother hears all her children's fears
So don't cry, all will wash away when we pray
Soon, soon, soon, soon, soon

So if it's okay, i'll wait with you while
And the sun began to shine

Oh look, your wings are broken
But never a lie was spoken
The murdered thing is love, you see
Drifting on a lake of memory

Now sleep, close your eyes and have no fear
A wide blue sky is very near
Soon, soon, soon, soon, soon
Now sleep, close your eyes and have no fear
A wide blue sky is very near

- Dead Can Dance - Hymn for the Fallen

[Gaining Strength]

I couldn't have hoped for so much support. 

It is nothing shy of a miracle to have at long, long last found a place where I can cry out in pain and be heard.  And not just be heard but be heard by people who understand, truly understand and by their understanding  - care.  I am so thankful, so profoundly thankful.

Iphi - what a precious song.  I am so thankful to receive its comfort.

PR and Gabben - Thanks so much for caring and understanding.  I marvel everyday that so many here are going through the same process at the same time.  It is more than I could have ever hoped for.  It is a blessing but it is more than that, it is a powerful connection that my mind calls on often during the day and even more it enhances the healing process beyond anything that could be done by myself. 

I know that the healing is coming.  I know that I am so close.  This anger is so very, very important.  It is covering the painful, painful emotions underneath.

[Leah]

I hear you loud and clear ((((( SS )))))

Your rage and despair is absolutely valid.

Just keep on pouring it out onto the screen in front of you, and in doing so, allow the words to formulate release and the pathway to healing.

So many kind considerate people here to give you validation and support, which is precious and deserved for someone so thoughtful, kind and good, yes, YOU.

Love to you,

Leah x

[LilyCat]

GS,

Wow! I hear your pain and anger, and I know it must be so hard to get there and feel that ... but I have to tell you, I am so jealous of your ability to do that. For all the successful work I've done in therapy, I have never been able to get in touch (relive) the kinds of things I would be so much more a complete human being if I could do as you have done/are doing.

You do deserve, good things, wonderful things. You deserve good friends and lots of love and every last little thing that you want.

You really do.

(((((GS))))))

LilyCat

[debkor]

Well SS,

There is nothing wrong with you.  You can come to my house and be 5 years old.  We can bake cakes with flour and a mess all over the place.  You can lick the spoon.  We can sit at the dinner table and sing I might even hit you with some mash potatos when your not looking.  Throw the Eggs out and bring in the Waffels  Toaster Style.  You can use the Green Ketshup that looks like slime and on Halloween we make twice baked potatos that look like Ghost.  Then we all dress and out the door for Candy.

We can also put on the flashing strobe light in the room at dark, turn up, the stero and DANCE! So everone see's the shadows against the blinds of robot moving dance and laugh.  Sometimes we don't talk we sing, in Show Tune Voices, Son whaaaaat do you want for Dinnneerrrrr Tonight, tonight, is a very special night, We are having P.I.ZZ.A~~~~~

And I especially liked the color nights.  Bring on the coloring books, or candy land game, and videos! oh yeah!! although I'm not good at XBOX and usually dead before the game begins. In the summer we have Gladiator Floats for games in the pool that's if you make it there and get wet on your own before someone gets you with a water gun.

SS you can relive these things wth your son.  It's not to late.  It's priceless.  It it there shame that they never got to just Play with you.  It's fun being able to enjoy your kids by doing what they do.  Just be silly with them.

Do it SS. Laughter heals so much and it's contagious.  On Birthdays here, school or not, breakfast is CAKE!!  Ya hoo!!!

Create your time your memories with your Son. Those are some of mine.  I know, they can get a little crazy and it's not like that all the time but it is fun to just be that........... at times....and we laugh, laugh, laugh.....

Love
Deb

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((SS))))))))))))))

I can so relate to that clumsy little girl's isolation and yearning to be included.
I am realizing I have so many similar memories.

Of not being trusted, not being shown I was competent, always being held back, restrained, overlooked.

And breaking things? My anxiety made me clumsier than I naturally was, which was a lot!

Of course you deserve love, inclusion, and nice things.

I don't think they will give them to you. But it is so good that you know you deserve them.

May the way be cleared for you to clear your own path to what you yearn for.

In its own shape, its own form -- not theirs.

much love and understanding,

Hops

[Ami]

Dear SS
  As I heal ,more deeply, I see that WE took their shame. I see it, with my heart,more, now.
 As you see it ,with your heart, you will let THEIR shame go.
  As long as we carry it, we are trapped in our own prison.
  It is so hard to see that they did not love us and in fact wanted to destroy us, for their own needs.
  I am beside you,in your journey SS .   Love   Ami


(((SS))))

[Gaining Strength]

I am deeply touched by these wonderful, kind responses.

Today I am out of the rage stage but I fear prematurely.  I had hoped to get to the pain underneath.  What I found this morning was not original pain but adult life pain.  A real pain, a pain in my heart.  I stayed with it and saw that my parents were ashamed of the needs that I had as a child and they could not/would not address so they shamed me instead.  My father focused on "behavior" and suddenly I saw that "behavior" is not the key, that underneath the behavior (mine was always problematic) is a good heart. 

I also saw that I took on their feelings about me.  I am wondering if that is something that HSP do more than others.  That makes sense to me.  I perceived what they thought of me and felt that I must take it on and did.

Now I must let this all go.  It is surprisingly difficult - trapped cellularly.

[sKePTiKal]

Difficult - like surgery, yes or getting your psychic "immune" system back in balance.

But you can do it!

[Gaining Strength]

I found the need to get this hyper focus this morning.  I woke with an unreal sense of shame and anxiety - completely free-floating anxiety.  I needed to get up and get going.  I had a few minutes to do a specific thought process - I saw in my  mind's eye four people who were helping me heal.  they focused on my heart - filling it with love - talking back to the shame that was my father, talking to him and telling him to return his shame to his father.  They told me the shame was not mine and they concentrated on sending my love and growing my heart.  I could actually feal my heart get bigger and then the shame would shock me back into anxiety and I would begin the process again.  In order to get to where I needed to be I had to hyper focus on my heart and on the first task of the day. The longer and deeper I focused the more I was led to move through the steps I needed to take.

I see how this focus can lead me back to Hops square foot cleaning.  I can use this to work on a small piece.  It is the big picture that overwhelms me. I like this idea.  I want to give it a try tomorrow.  We'll see.  This healing is so dagnabbit slow but i see that it is healing nonetheless.  That's progress.

[Ami]

It does seem really slow, at times. I know what you mean, SS. My heart and thoughts go out to you, as we heal together,  Love  Ami
         (((((((((((SS))))))))))