Stuff & Nonsense from a new lurker~~~

[Izzy_*now*]

I expect it might have been noticed that I have been seldom posting, or maybe no one missed me at all. Whatever the thoughts, I am more a lurker now.

The Ns are now quite distant from my life and are no longer of any consequence to my life. I left the N 6 years ago and enforced No Contact. He slid from my mind faster than my daughter’s N, ex-husband, as he had created more havoc to my state of being! Now that she and I have discussed the painful past, we are on a semi-regular email basis when there is news. Her N, I no longer think about with any resentment or anger, let alone think about.

The resentment and anger just quietly disappeared and didn’t even say Good-bye. It took a while to realize they were gone. and that was good reason for my feeling of contentment.

As my therapist said, the car accident in ‘69 was the biggest trauma, and the one least acknowledged by my family, or professionals. I was in it alone and am tidying up my mind and my surrounding from old issues. I have a mess of old shoes to get rid of (they are hiding on a shelf in the hall closet) and 12 places settings of good chinaware (sitting on the floor of my closet.) that has been packed, into 3 boxes, since 1998, when I left the East for the West with the N.

My mother has been dead for 14 years and I would not call her an N. I cannot relate to the horror of a real N mother. Many of you here have to deal with that.

My father has been dead for 22 years and I have noticed, even before I joined this forum that his physical abuse became less an issue as time passed. I wouldn’t call him an N either.

It is the emotional abuse that far longer in lasting and the hardest with which to deal, as we all know, but I still put my parents into a “naive ignorance” slot, and my siblings as toxic to my well-being, and that such a state is ‘hereditary‘ until someone breaks the pattern.

I’m learning to speak my mind (not be voiceless, anymore, be assertive) when I feel it necessary and recognize when it would be folly to speak it. My apologies again to you, Ami, if you are reading this.

I sold 225/228 DVDs and am trying to break that addiction. It’s a big loss to receive $225.00 out of over $2,000.00 spent. Even Pawn Brokers buy for $1.00 and sell for $5.00, and movies can be watched online now so DVDs are soon going to be as with music, downloadable, or at least ‘watchable‘. I watched ‘Knocked Up” online.

My leg has healed, but not straight, but not deformed either. I am not going for a re-break. The sore on my heel is about at an end; that’s 9 months  and 6 for healing a pressure sore, and I have exercises for the parts of me that were weakening, from the trunk to my quads, after 5 years of not using crutches.

Two nurses came one day and one wanted me to lie down every ½ hour, while the other was pushing me to go out more, so I am to be a gad-about shut-in!

That about covers it. We are born alone and we die alone. I believe that, even if it is that split second before the first cry, to drawing one’s last breath.

I read somewhere that all the babbling of a baby contains every sound there is, and retains only those that are re-enforced. Now I understand why a Chinese baby can learn Chinese and a Canadian baby can learn English, and how one can be raised bilingual, when all babbling is the same. I find that so interesting and so useful in dealing with a person’s development. (It does make me wonder, though, how an old classmate of mine learned to speak perfectly when both parents were deaf mutes. There must have been a speaker around her.)

That’s it for now! I am off to return a DVD that appears to be blank!

[Changes]

Hello Izzy Now, New Lurker (I have missed you but have kept your snappy wisdom in mind)-

I have missed you so, but you have been a "lurker" in my thoughts, a guide . I find that having the guts to approach things in the simplest terms first as you do, without the window dressing that I can be prone to covering up what is fundamentally wrong, is really the most satisfying way to arrange one's life, especially when events and people are potentially disruptive. In that way, as I understand what you are saying, one can dismiss the "resentment and anger, let alone think about it." This has been tremendous for me.

This post was useful for me today as I am preparing for the OSC next week- I have let my former lawyer's conduct and motives dominate my thoughts too much when I should be working, getting fortification from the good things at hand, etc- when I really want to keep stepping, focus on what I need to do now, and enjoy today! The idea of focusing on THE BIGGEST TRAUMA and working to resolve it, instead of displacement onto another "trauma", in the futile hope of resolution through symbolic means- this is truly brilliant!!!! 

Have you read "Team of Rivals"? it includes a story about Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd, and their first meeting. Mary told her sister about Abe "He said that he wanted to dance with me, in the worst way, and he did!!!!" Anyway, jokes aside, it is a wonderful book about human dynamics and the power of dealing with the BIGGEST TRAUMA- though I didn't see it in exactly those terms until your post switched the light on.

Thank you for the gift of your savvy post- it has put more starch in my resolve!!!

Love,

Changes (my new name but the same old person- maybe you can help me find out how to access my old account, etc!!!)

[Changes]

Hello Miss IzzyNow-

The rebreaking of your leg, the revisiting of the physical trauma- It sounds dreadful, even though you say that you cannot "feel it", you feel the impact in your being and life nonetheless, and went through so much to heal the first time...Hope all goes well and you are treated with great concern and the best attention- no more sores, etc.

You strong, brave, darling thing...

Love,

Changes

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi changes

First, your new 'nick' doesn't suit as much as changing, which you can find here
http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?action=mlist;sort=realName;start=240 in alphabetical order. If you remember your password, you can once again be changing..............but  how about lawyerinthemakingtogetridofbagworm

Well thank you for appreciating my simplistic way of communicating. I am not one to gussy things up with similes and metaphors as though I am writing a book. I try to say it like it is.

I just posted a picture of the car I was in 39 years ago. It has no effect on me now, as did seeing another photo back then and the blood.

It was in yesterday's mail from C. She had her son scan it for her, then she printed it out and mailed it to me (she is not computer literate as per attachments) so I scanned her print here. I just picked up the mail on my way out today.

Yes my therapist said this was the worst trauma as I was totally alone in it....no counsellors etc., but was on that strycker frame thinking my own thoughts and planning my own life as there was no one else to talk to.

I realized then, that I had been living the life of an able bodied person who didn't get around too well and tried to fit into the lives of all these people I knew.

I realize now that no one acknowledged what I was up against and that no one tried to fit into my life. So when my brother and sister came in August/07, I made them fit into my life. I forgot once, on a drive and sent them up to the mountain top while I waited. That was a no-no for me as I had too much of that!

So I read that you are not free of bagworm yet. that you passed something....a 1L?...(foreign language to me),...and that that lawyer is bagworm's twin brother? (...and I could tell you about passing things, but not here!)

And you have a new one and a shiny clean white place that is izzified. Good for you. Don't collect junk!

I saw the cutest bookends the other day....laughing bunnies. I almost bought them, then stopped. I borrow books from the Library now!

more starch in my resolve!!!

I Like that expression!

How is your foot, the pain, the Franken Foot was it?

Now leaving you until the end, is encouraging you to talk about you!

Love
Izzy

[Changes]

Hi Sweetie-

I don't fancy "Changes" either, but I finally got my internet  restored, and unfortunately I am not a wizard like you are ( a dummox really but I want to learn more), so hopefully after the OSC next week, I will figure things out and resume my proper identity.

My Frankenfoot is doing well, actually. I have been able to modify my activities lately, and the cold weather has vanished ( I still don't have a heating system, just a space heater) I haven't had the money for physical therapy but am returning soon. The neck and arm and hand have been swelling and have been so painful- I have had cortisone shots in the elbow, epidurals in the back, splints on the hand, meds, blah, blah, blah- Little by little I am becoming a total monster with my many devices, it looks pretty funny when I have my gear on - it's all on one side! If I see a cute man, I guess I should turn the good side hois way and press the Franenstein side to the wall!!!

1L is the infamous 1st year of Law- a crucible of sorts, but so much was going on its hard to sort out where the stress originated- Bagworm or IRACs (a form of writing analysis- Issue, Rule, Analysis,  Conclusion)

The Izzyfied life is sweet- I too have been going a great deal to the library ( though I recently got a call that Bagworm is not only stiffing his creditors, but has not returned 4 books, and of course is still using my address and phone number!!!) There are many great things there, but the budget has dried up, and nothing much of recent vintage can be found- but I have had to go cold turkey as far as the bookstore addiction. Do you think I should get rid of my millions of books? That would be a challenge- I love to read them many times, and again after a number of years!!!

I have gotten myself some useful technological items- a tiny lightweight but amazing HP printer and and fabulous HP copy and fax machine- very portable , beautiful printing, fast and nice. It was only about $100 - a lot for me at this point, but paid for itself quickly and is easy, easy, easy to use, with the promise of many features that I haven't mastered yet! I once drove to the school with my laptop and printer beside me (both on batteries) connected, with the printer printing on the seat (I had to turn something in by a specific time and just barely made it!)

As to my former lawyer- something went wrong, that is for certain- I think his recent flurry of professional activity and excellence is in part a defense to possible malpractice claims to be made by me (I am not even thinking about that now), as well as his looking up my current attorney when he received the substitution docs. She subs as a judge, etc and is on the short list to become one permanently. She saw immediately though that the work had not been done and that I was desperate to save my case, and says that the default can be easily remedied, so I don't think she would be fooled. Anyway, the major trauma is the divorce and fraud from the Bagworm- I am glad to be free from agonizing about the former lawyer, and amused by his "Enjoy The Screaming" memo to my new counsel- no longer afraid that she will be influenced against me.

That image of the styker frame, a crucifixion-you have emerged and refashioned yourself into a lovely and fiercely free new creature, who can fly above the others instead of being tied down by their head trips and machinations . Every time I understand a part of your method and incorporate it, it really revs up my life and happiness! As far as writing a book, I think your natural style is infectious, real and compelling, so any gussying would spoil it. You have so much to say and your wake up call would be a real service and so unique in a wasteland of pop psychology and gooey,disgusting pap. I thought the first book would be finished by now, and even though I don't watch TV, I would hear about your promoting your vicious best seller!!!

Love You,

Changing, Changes ????

[Izzy_*now*]

Ha Ha ha
at
CHANGING IS CHANGING CHANGES.................well it is not a good book title, but........let me know if you find yourself under the member's List!

Well just PM me if you have a computer question. Lately it seems no one is using my knowledge and I wonder if I can answer.....time will tell.

If you re-read your books...if they are treasures and you don't need the Library, then keep them. I am not throwing out anything that ought to be kept. But I do see uselessness in 12 place settings of chinaware for my daughter. Not her style, and I already gave her my 12 place settings of silverware--some Xmas ago maybe 10 years?

I think the stryker frame was the most pathetic contraption of all. Two months, of 2 hours face down and 2 hours face up, 24 hours a day, to prevent pressure sores. I ate and wrote letters upside down. I read books when right side up and stared at the ceiling!

I had the older one that look like an ironing board, on steel and wheels. Another ironing board makes a sandwich out of me, and I am strapped in at so many points where my body could have fallen out on the swing turn. Once was loose and my leg fell out. Had I not stopped them, it would have been mangled on the turn. Sometimes a cleaning lady from the hallway would come in to help a nurse. That's a no-no. Newbies think s-l-o-w-l-y but the turn must be a fast as swinging a pail of water and not losing a drop.

You see? I remember the actions but not the feelings, other than I was totally dependant

My Frankenfoot is doing well, actually. I have been able to modify my activities lately, and the cold weather has vanished ( I still don't have a heating system, just a space heater) I haven't had the money for physical therapy but am returning soon. The neck and arm and hand have been swelling and have been so painful- I have had cortisone shots in the elbow, epidurals in the back, splints on the hand, meds, blah, blah, blah- Little by little I am becoming a total monster with my many devices, it looks pretty funny when I have my gear on - it's all on one side!

I cannot imagine, as I don't know of all your injuries from the fall!, but I am sure that I do not suffer daily as do you!

how long ago was the fall?

xx
Izzy


mostly like this but no sitting up with my back to heal

[Changes]

Hi Dear-

My fall was 10+ years ago. I had a genius man hotshot surgeon and was saved from a wheelchair, etc as was predicted by everyone else, so I have nothing to complain about! They say in my medical charts that I tolerate pain extremely well, so it is only a problem when I cannot move the hand, have to go fast or take stairs, etc- it's my dominant side. If I even compared myself in any way to you I would have to give my face a huge slap!!!!I fumble about with my mobility, and you do everything so well no matter what- it's good for me to laugh  at my floundering about when I think of you and your efficient and immaculate ways- but I am improving, so I like that!

I will keep the books for now and keep ridding myself of other stuff- it's amazing what one can acquire over time, and like belly fat, it's harder to take off than put on, but feels good when you are rid of it!!!!

I had a nutty experience in the hospital too, after one of my surgeries- they actualy put me in a room with a person with an incurable infection- I had no heel, my foot was open from one side to the other- even a slight infection could require amputation- I freaked and was extremely careful about any contagion- all of the hospital notes say I was extremely cooperative except for the time that I ws in that room- of course they didn't note what my objections were about!!!!

Stryker Frame- a great name for a goth band or a book by our Izzy. The actions, not the feelings- there is an important idea there- act  and do not let the feelings lead or hamper positive action- action will create the change, action of thought , will and being...

Love You and It Is So Good To Bounce Ideas and Thoughts Back and Forth Again,

Changing (when I fix things)

[Izzy_*now*]

Oh wow! 10 years and pain! I have a high tolerance for pain, just suffered very little in the aftermath.

I think we will notice, chang(ing), that your return to the forum after just leaving abruptly will not net you many responses, and my announcing I am now a lurker is not going to net me many responses either, when I post at the same time!

I've seen it happen before. and it will happen again.

I haven't wrapped my mind around that one yet, but you return to some people in the same condition or worse than when you left? or someone feels abandoned by you? or take your guess!

Well wow! Maybe everyone has the fear of abandonment and it comes true!

I am back to lurking!

xx
Izzy

[Changes]

My Dear IzzyNowLurker-

Your saying about change at the bottom of your page rings true,even for positive change...I am glad to be back and happy to reconnect with my friends and get the support and info here- it was ugly when I couldn't afford the internet and I felt so isolated, and I am really enjoying posting again. I love having conversations with those who choose to, and of course would not expect anything as far as responses from anyone, though I admit I wondered when I would be able to converse with you.

Everyone has ups and downs and transitions and I definitely know about the abandonment issue firsthand, though now it hurts more to see others abandoned than the abandonment in my own history seems to. A certain sensitivity does remain under wraps. When someone indicates that they feel abandoned by me, it hurts- I hate to fail people, though I have done so many times and I hate to think of it. Am I  getting better or just taking fewer risks?

As far as responses to your posts, your writing is so funny and cuts so deeply that I am certain there is a huge response in anyone who reads it- though the responses might not be posted as replies. I have been reading some of the posts that I missed, and laughing outrageously!!!!

Love to My Favorite Lurker,

Changwhatever

[Hopalong]

Izzy, I'm sorry I haven't been writing to you much.
I take you for granted like the beautiful blue mountains.
Your strength is one of my rocks and I forget to tell you so.

Please know I value you very much.

much love,
Hops

[Hopalong]

Changing,

Would you ever feel comfortable sharing the story of your fall?

(If not, please don't. It's curiosity and that should be deflected if unwelcome.)

with love and gratitude that you're back,

Hops

[lighter]

(((Changing and Izzy)))

So glad you guys're finally catching up.

I wish it was musings over easier lives.......

better childhoods.....

but....

then you wouldn't be who you are, would you?

Why do some people turn out to be so brave and courageous through their struggles?

And some don't?

Lighter