Overcoming Gaslighting

[Certain Hope]

First, the examples:
  ( from http://www.enotalone.com/article/16907.html )

Katie's gaslighting boyfriend insists that the world is a dangerous place and that Katie's behavior is inappropriate and insensitive. When he feels stressed or threatened, he has to be right about these issues, and he has to get Katie to agree that he is. Katie values the relationship and doesn't want to lose Brian, so she starts to see things from his point of view. Maybe the people they meet are laughing at her. Maybe she is being flirtatious. Gaslighting has begun.

Likewise, Liz's boss insists that he really cares about her and that any concerns she has are because she's paranoid. Liz wants her boss to think well of her - after all, her career is at stake - so she starts to doubt her own perceptions and tries to adopt his. But her boss's view of things really doesn't make sense to Liz. If he's not trying to sabotage her, why is she missing all those meetings? Why are her clients failing to return her calls? Why is she feeling so worried and confused? Liz is so trusting that she just can't believe anyone could be as blatantly manipulative as her boss seems to be; she has to be doing something that warrants his terrible treatment. Wishing desperately for her boss to be right, but knowing deep down that he isn't, makes Liz feels completely disoriented, no longer sure of what she sees or what she knows. Her gaslighting is in full swing.

Mitchell's mother insists that she's entitled to say anything she wants to her son and that he is being rude if he objects. Mitchell would like to see his mother as a good, loving person, not as someone who says mean things to him. So when she hurts his feelings, he blames himself, not her. Both Mitchell and his mother agree: the mother is right, and Mitchell is wrong. Together, they are creating the Gaslight Effect.


And then, the resolution:

Of course, Katie, Liz, and Mitchell all have other choices.
Katie might ignore her boyfriend's negative remarks, ask him to stop making them, or as a last resort, break up with him.
Liz could say to herself, "Wow, this new boss is a piece of work. Well; maybe that smarmy charm has fooled everyone else in this company - but not me!"
Mitchell might reply calmly, "Sorry, Mom, but you're the one who owes me an apology."
All of them could decide that, on some basic level, they are willing to live with their gaslighters' disapproval.
They know they are good, capable, lovable people, and that's all that matters.

If our three gaslightees were able to take this attitude, there would be no gaslighting.
 Maybe their gaslighters would still behave badly, but their behavior would no longer have such a pernicious effect.
Gaslighting works only when you believe what the gaslighter says and need him to think well of you.

[Certain Hope]

And from the same link - (it's several pages, but I do want to at least include this part) -


The problem is, gaslighting is insidious. It plays on our worst fears, our most anxious thoughts, our deepest wishes to be understood, appreciated, and loved. When someone we trust, respect, or love speaks with great certainty - especially if there's a grain of truth in his words, or if he's hit on one of our pet anxieties - it can be very difficult not to believe him. And when we idealize the gaslighter - when we want to see him as the love of our life, an admirable boss, or a wonderful parent - then we have even more difficulty sticking to our own sense of reality. Our gaslighter needs to be right, we need to win his approval, and so the gaslighting goes on.

Of course, neither of you may be aware of what's really happening. The gaslighter may genuinely believe every word he tells you or sincerely feel that he's only saving you from yourself. Remember: He's being driven by his own needs. Your gaslighter might seem like a strong, powerful man, or he may appear to be an insecure, tantrum-throwing little boy; either way, he feels weak and powerless. To feel powerful and safe, he has to prove that he is right, and he has to get you to agree with him.

Meanwhile, you have idealized your gaslighter and are desperate for his approval, although you may not consciously realize this.
But if there's even a little piece of you that thinks you're not good enough by yourself - if even a small part of you feels you need your gaslighter's love or approval to be whole -
then you are susceptible to gaslighting.
And a gaslighter will take advantage of that vulnerability to make you doubt yourself, over and over again.

*************************************************************************************

I would add here - that if the "gaslighter" (intentional or not) has been displaced in your mind to represent someone else from the past who treated you similarly, then susceptibility to this stuff can also be increased.

Of course, there's always the possibility that the gaslighter is simply an obnoxious person/abuser, but whatever the case - resolving this is up to the individual and is not a team effort.

Carolyn

[Gabben]

For the sake of un-gaslighting...

Thank you for this thread Carolyn.

tt started a thread on gaslighting back a while ago in which I learned from, but I had not read this yet, thanks.

Also, question, do you think that people here own or corner market articles, info, and topics?

As long as I have seen you on the board, most everything you have ever posted has been very helpful and original to me.

Your "safepeople" thread was one of my favorites.  Have  you finished that book, is there more on safe people that could be discussed?

Lise

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Lise,

It took me a while to understand what you meant about people owning articles and info... but now I see.
Peculiarly sad that I knew just where to look in order to get the whole picture.

Anyhow, when I searched for info on gaslighting yesterday, and found this article, it was the first time I'd ever read it.
Until this past week or so, it'd been months since I'd read any more than a very few threads on the board each week...
and those, only posted by a handful of members.

And to answer your question, no - I don't think that people here own articles and topics...
although I do find it odd when I see someone duplicate another person's threads/topics/info/words/phrases/styles
within minutes/hours of the original posting.
(Finding that odd is just a personal quirk of mine, perhaps, but nonetheless, yes, I find it quite odd indeed.)

Thanks for the compliment, too!
I used to post alot of lengthy articles, but Hops set me straight (for the most part, and lovingly) on that by making one of her typically astute remarks something to the effect of not liking to have to wade through longggggg posts... LOL.  Anyhow, that was before I knew what a sweetie she is

Now... what was the question again?

Oh, yes -  yes, I did finish the safe people book...
did you get it?
I think I remember you were gonna pick it up.
I let that thread slide because I didn't want to bore anyone by going through it in too much detail, but it's an awesome book, I agree.
And yes, I'd love to discuss it further. My copy is not put too far away... I'll get it back out!

Love,
Carolyn

[Gabben]

Now... what was the question again?

Oh, yes -  yes, I did finish the safe people book...
did you get it?
I think I remember you were gonna pick it up.
I let that thread slide because I didn't want to bore anyone by going through it in too much detail, but it's an awesome book, I agree.
And yes, I'd love to discuss it further. My copy is not put too far away... I'll get it back out!

Actually, I never got that book...but thanks for reminding me, I want to buy and read it still.

[Certain Hope]

Lise,

If you want, maybe let me know when you get it... and we could review it and the old thread - or just begin a fresh one - together?

Just a thought.

Love,
Carolyn

[teartracks]

Hi,

Today I saw Andy Griffith and Barney gaslight Hot Rod Otis, Mayberry's town drunk.  The story line was very simple, yet iit had all the components of classic gaslighting.  The episode is called Hot Rod Otis and only the three men are in the episode.  Funny!  I tried to find a link for  the script online.  No success.  tt

tt

[Certain Hope]

lol... I always liked the episodes with Otis in them.  Don't remember that one, though. Sorry I missed it, tt!

I could usually tell when npd-ex was gaslighting me. What really stunk was when I'd catch him trying to put one over on my kids.
When it was all finally over, I learned from them that they'd never been fooled by the louse. Wish I'd had their sense!

Carolyn

[teartracks]

Hi Carolyn,

Do you think it's safe to assume that gaslighters are all N's?  I know it's just TV, but Andy is too nice and Barney too  naive for me to put them in the N category just yet.

tt

[Certain Hope]

Naw, I think some of it falls into the "it's for your own good" category... like you might do with a very young child (which Otis basically is, in his innards).

And some is done unawares, by people who genuinely think they're operating out of concern for your best interests (maybe that's the same as the first example, only you're all grown up and they just haven't realized it).

And then some is perpetrated by self-obsessed, envious control-freaks who will go to any lengths to set you off-balance and regain their imaginary status as supreme being of the universe. That would be the N ones.

Love,
Carolyn

[teartracks]

Thanks Carolyn,

I get your drift.

tt

[Certain Hope]

I'm glad, tt, because I am feeling a bit drifty tonight.

Must be time to think on other things!! ! !!!

Hugs