Emotional Divorce

[ch]

Hi Ellie and Genuine, and everybody!

Thanks for your response to my query.  You are both right.
I think i shall use my experience to screen out controlling people and gravitate towards the more compassionate,respectful, non-judgmental people.  Good to see that some good can come of this terrible experience.

Since i hardly have contact with my N family, i hope i won't be venting much. I've already turned most of my sick experiences into humorous anecdotes.  My friends think i am so funny.  but i know the pain is still deeply imbedded inside my psyche so it really helps to read about everybody's stories here, and get it out for repair.

Do you think, as victims, we are missing something inside, or have something broken inside that needs repairing, or what??? Does anyone feel like they were tricked by a con-artist?

[ch]

Sometimes, it s hard to forget that they have NPD.  And we, as children, tend to go right back to loving and caring about them because we are capable of that.  Isn't it  ironic that children are always being tested for unconditional love of their parents and always succeed, however, Nparents, due to their disorder or illness, will fail time and time again.   NOT FAIR!!!  It is they who truly never love.

So, how can we remind ourselves NOT to do it. NOT to go back for more masosadism. The temptation to go back and try  again is so hard to resist because we care so much about them, and want to share our happy selves.  

We already have so much horror stories, which, i have found, over time, we tend to forgive and forget because we CAN.  That is the beauty of our loving souls.  But atlas, we need to remind ourselves that the parents will not recognize us for who we really are.

TO everyone, don't let any guilt get to you!!!  Be strong, and choose your surrogate family as you have chosen friends.  

Your sister,
CH

[Ellie]

Hi CH,
I've just got to respond that I love your reference to Con Artist!!!!!

You wrote:

Do you think, as victims, we are missing something inside, or have something broken inside that needs repairing, or what??? Does anyone feel like they were tricked by a con-artist?

I think you hit the nail on the head in my situation. When someone finds out they've been duped, they get angry, hurt, distrust all others, blame themselves, blame themselves, blame themselves.....

That's where many of us end up until we know about Ns. We blame ourself and think somehow we must have been able to do it better or different and they would have loved us and accepted us.

But we were in the hands of con artists. These con artisits had impressionable, trusting, non-defensive children in there hands. They molded us the way they wanted us to believe their sick ways. I was out of college before I realized every child did not grow up thinking they would never be able to please their parents. I assumed every person experienced that as part of growing up. Wow - what a con!

Plus when attempting to tell others why I have distanced myself from my family, it's easy to say - "They are dangerous con-artists. I don't want to expose my family to that behavior."

Case closed - who would question that motive?

Thank you for putting yet another title to what I lived with in my family! It just makes it a little easier to comprehend why I fell for all of the garbage so easily!  

Ellie

[genuine]

Dear ch,

Do you think, as victims, we are missing something inside, or have something broken inside that needs repairing, or what??? Does anyone feel like they were tricked by a con-artist?

My 2 cents worth is yes I think we are missing something inside, which is the love, respect and acknowledgement we have been denied by Narcissistic Families BUT on that note I think we can fill that hole ourselves as best we can by other genuine relationships, whether it be a friend, partner or child. More importantly we should nurture our inner child. I am planning on blowing up a favourite childhood photo of mine and I am going to frame it and display it as if it were my own child. I encourage everyone to do that.

I always have a sense of loss because of the abortion but I know one day when my partner and I have children I will be alright again. I know one thing for sure, I don't want my mother to even see my children. I feel tricked alright, every member of my immediate family are con artists..always out for themselves. One brother called me a "slut" when I got pregnant, never mind that I was in a 2 month relationship. I despise them all.

I want to thank everybody for responding to my post. You are the best bunch of people!

genuine

[Discounted Girl]

I quite often talk to the little girl in me, sometimes I am looking at pic and sometimes not. I quite often tell myself how much I love that little girl and what a prize and beautiful wonder she is, cherished and valued. It is done privately of course, so as not to confirm the suspicions the old bag has already aroused (haha).

[genuine]

Dear bunny,

genuine, what your mother did reminds me of a war criminal. She should be tried at Nuremburg. Since that option isn't available, I hope there is some way to console yourself for your great loss. I once read, years ago, in a somewhat "pagan" newsletter (and I'm not Pagan) that unborn babies have "baby-being" spirits who decide whether to be born this particular time or not.

Thanks for that, I had a nice chuckle and also for the pagan info. I am not pagan myself either but I like to incorporate beliefs from different systems and make them my own. A lovely lady from the U.S. was compelled to offer me a free medium reading and this is what she had to say about it:

genuine, my heart goes out to you. I believe that this little soul, understood the possibilities of not coming into the physical. This feels like a male to me...this was part of your growth. I am getting the feeling that this was just not meant to be and that there would have been problems with this baby had it survived. It feels a bit toxic...don't know if you can verify that in any way.

I don't usually do this, but I really feel like I want to help you. There is no guilt on your part..you must stop torturing yourself. This soul feels very much like a helper to you, who loves you very much and this lesson was more for you and your growth. Take control..don't be afraid to be a master of your life..do not let guilt run you. You did what is right for you and the best for the child. This child feels like it will be a part of your life again...5 years is what I hear. So, please take heart, be in joy, there are no victims, we all make our choices including that little soul who choose to be light to you.

Things happen to shake up our world sometimes..these shake ups seems to set us off in an entirely different direction and your little angel did what was necessary for your growth. God loves all..without judgement so stop doing yourself harm with worry and guilt. Just stop for it is zapping your strength and you were not meant to be in fear, but in love.

Choose LOVE. Love for yourself. Do the angel proud and receive the gift he gave with gratitude. Live well. Live well. That is what you do with all of this. Love yourself and live well.

Best of luck..blessings to you!

Love, Liz

The fetus was a male (I had the sex confirmed) and yes things would have been toxic because my ex boyfriend abandoned me and he is just bad news. He now has children by other women. Spreading his seed lol

All I know is that this helped lift a load off my shoulders.

Thanks for your support
genuine

[Anonymous]

About the Con-Artist thing, well, guess what, folks?  There is justice in this world afterall because my Nparents were duped themselves by a real talented con-artist, which nearly bancrupted them and lead to divorce.  The only reason divorce did not take place was because there was so little left after the con, that it was easier to stay together.  

This major turning point lead to a series of events which i had hoped would turn their lives around, and to make them for once appreciate what they had instead of feeding their greed for more more more!!!  But my wishful thinking had no effect on reality.   They suffered a great loss of money and loss of their dreams of easy retirement--their ultimate goal and purpose in life!!  They used guilt  on all the children, making us so miserable, and tried to drive us into worshipping and making more money.  They tried to get a high return on investment through children.  Non of us children, as adults, are making loads of money.  I dont even try because i like having just what i need, no more, no less.

And so now, Nmother has had to work for the rest of her life until she is able to collect a pension (who knows what that will be worth and if it will be enough for her), supporting a retired penniless N-supplier father who gets angry every time she spends anything other than groceries.  Nmother has continuously run into problems with colleagues and has had lawsuits against her supervisors.   They once had the taste of the sweet life back in the 1980's, but its been all downhill since then.  

Before i found out about N, i tried to help emotionally and financially, but couldn't stand the manipulations and lies.  Time to give up!!

Ellie, i am going to use the same explanation as to why i do not speak to my parents or family.  They are all con-artists and very dangerous.
Also, i too was in college when i realized how bad my parents were treating me.  I still remember the look on my girlfriend's face when she said to me, "you mean, they don't call you, ever?"  and "you mean they don't give you any money or allowance of any kind?"  That was a big clue alright.  No wonder they never allowed me to talk on the phone, or to bring any friends over to the house throughout my entire childhood.  It all makes sense now.  

Genuine, i like your idea about blowing up the baby photo.  I did that a long time ago, and i look at it often.  Its my favorite photo alright.  So cute.  Thanks for sharing your pagan newsletter story.  Its nice!!
Oh, and anytime someone calls you a "slut," you will know deep down that they are not talking about you because they don't really know you anyway.    And anyway, what is so bad about being a slut?  could be a good thing too.  it could mean you are sexy, seductive, attractive.  you can do the translated meaning in your head and give the insulter a devilish smile.

[ch]

That was me, just now.  
CH