Has anyone ever felt infuriated by a covert aggressive?

[Gabben]

Lets say that someone is covertly aggressing against you...No one in the community can see it, but you and perhaps one or two others.

You watch this person sicky sweetly butter people up, manipulate, deceive and control others like the cat and mouse game.

All the while this person secretly targets you...hoping to get you angry in order to elicit the relational aggressive response they want so that they can get the coveted pity and attention they thirst for.

After silently and patiently putting up with their aggression, for months being thier target, suddenly this person withdrawls, and you think to yourself "wow...now I can start using my voice here, posting at will without worrying about someone coming up behind me and invalidating me, or erasing my words in order to dominate the board."

Just as you are tasting in your new freedom (for one day), they come back...posting up a storm, defending their territory. It happens at the moment when you became most vulnerable, involved to think freely about your heart and your pains and really work to grow through sharing.

Because it has happened so many times in the past...you think to yourself that you can handle it...you think to yourself that you will not lose it on this person and make a fool of yourself as you had in the past. Nevertheless, this person strikes even harder..... I lose it.

Then they sit back reaping the attention and pity. They bake in it...they feed off of it...they drink it in.

All the while throwing out threads about relational aggression when in fact the person that has now been isolated is the person who was covertly targeted....torn and battered...you retreat, but then, as you look back you see the person smiling at you while no one is looking...pretending to be all sweet and perfect..........dominating and defending their territory.

Has anyone ever been there?


They are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. The therapist rarely has a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the abused are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.

Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties - it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of selectiveness, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem. [/u]

[Certain Hope]

Yes.

Fortunately, at least a couple other people assured me that they either saw it - or even had actually experienced it themselves - and so my experience was confirmed, my feelings validated, and then I had to choose whether or not to move on.

I left for awhile because I couldn't deal with it.
I came back because not dealing with it is not an option.
Expecting everybody... or even the majority... to appreciate that, or even to understand, is not an option either.

That's the best I've got, Lise.

Love,
Carolyn

[darren]

I've had this happen it was one the hardest things I went through in my life, and definately the most painful.  It was a slow, covert abuse, that ate at me and sneaked up on me unaware.  In the end, this person had already convinced everybody I was the abuser and instigator and responsible for all the problems.  It hurt like hell.  I was destroyed psychologically while a large number of people flocked to her to offer her sympathy, pity, and support.  It was a long five years.  After healing from it though, I don't care so much what other people do.  I know who I am, so I don't need other people to know it to validate myself. 

[teartracks]

Lise,

Inherent to aggressiveness is the intention to cause harm whether covert or overt.  Period. 

tt

[Gabben]

Yes, tt....and I too have been guilty of it.

This weekend I will go to confession and confess my exact actions that were based in intolerance, anger, hostility as well as aggression in retaliation.

It is my wish to be strong enough to bare insults without retaliation, right now my deepest, wish along with many others that are coming to surface, is to bare others with love; just when I thought that I was making progress and healing towards love for all, including my enemies I find another crusty layer of victim anger coming to the surface.

Lise

[Gabben]

I've had this happen it was one the hardest things I went through in my life, and definately the most painful.  It was a slow, covert abuse, that ate at me and sneaked up on me unaware.  In the end, this person had already convinced everybody I was the abuser and instigator and responsible for all the problems.  It hurt like hell.  I was destroyed psychologically while a large number of people flocked to her to offer her sympathy, pity, and support.  It was a long five years.  After healing from it though, I don't care so much what other people do.  I know who I am, so I don't need other people to know it to validate myself. 

Thank you Darren, this helped to read. It can be mind messing and really painful when we are in it. It can be so invalidating of our perceptions and pain.

Just hearing that others know this pain helps.