I'm letting go of my desire or need for others to see me as self-assured and "without," which is somewhat ironic when you consider that speaking my truth has left me feeling better and calmer but appearing less "without" to others, I'm sure (note that I've told everyone I've come across who will listen that I had a panic attack due to HR's response last week and prior to this, when I reported the bullying, and have subsequently gone on medical leave. HR "investigated" and concluded the problem was poor communication not bullying or harassment).
Dear Bean,
That need to be seen it runs deep for me as well. I too have found that when I am honest there is no social anxiety...it is as if the slights of manipulation in me are what produce my anxiety.
It sounds to me that you may be suffering from PTSD -- bullying is a form of psychological terrism...deep down that is exactly what bullies are trying to do..terrorize us by using our weakness's against us as well as our fears.
That terror produces some physically painful results, for me I experienced chest pain, I did not eat or sleep very well which made me more sensitive and emotional as well as it is a kind of torture to not sleep or eat.
Anyways...I am rambling. I am glad to you see you back here.
Hugs to you as you navigate your way to a new improved and safe happy job...as well as through your continued healing.
Lise
