Should I open it? Should I ask?

[flower]

Hi everyone,  I edited this since I posted about a half hour ago.

I'm going to have a little fun here by getting other's opinions. At least hopefully someone will have a light hearted suggestion of what to do with these new messages from my dad.


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Thanks so much for your insight and support.
 It aided my healing. Too much of my heart
was in this post to let it remain here for posterity on the web.
The post served its purpose and now it is time to
edit it or gently take it down.
 
To every thing there is a season, and a time
to every purpose under the heaven:  Ecclesiates 3:1

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Any perspectives? Thanks for any responses.

[BlueTopaz]

So what would you do? Would you open the letter and find out what your dad who betrayed you has communicated? Would you ask about the call's details? And this is the dad who took your Nmom's side? Who brought Nmom to your house two weeks ago when you said you didn't want to see her? The dad who violated your clear boundaries in a flagrant way in many different ways and showed no respect? I haven't decided yet what to do... I'm taking my time here.

Any perspectives? Thanks for any responses.

Hello Flower,

It’s kind of difficult because I don’t really know the history of your situation, but you did describe some things just now.

It sounds like you are not clear on how you feel, versus being absolutely adamant about not wanting to hear anything from your dad.  If you were 100% clear that you wanted no contact or knowledge, then I guess you wouldn’t be struggling, and wouldn’t open anything or want to know anything right now.

If it were me, and I was really still undecided, I would read the letter, and want to know what he said on the phone.   I'd be thinking that the content of these things would help me further decide more concretely, if I wanted any future contact or not.  

It's difficult...  Very best of luck with your decision…

BT

[October]

You could try reading just the first and last paragraphs, or get your h to read them to you.  I agree with you that this is a letter from your mum, not your dad, even if he wrote it, and it is not likely to break any abusive patterns.

Ns use photographs to play happy families.  Only keep them if you want to.  If you don't want to keep them, either stick them in the bin or send them back, saying; 'thanks for letting me see your pictures; it was very thoughtful of you to lend them to me.'  

xxx

Cathy

[Anonymous]

The letter is obviously a manipulation. As you know, it's your mother's way of accessing you through your father. I'd have H open the letter and read it first.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi Flower,

You know you can't trust your mom, so you burn her letters.  But you are feeling ambivalent about your dad.  If it was just you and him, you're OK, but you're wondering if this is a Trojan horse.  It probably is.  Unfortunately, this letter is coming from your mom's household.  

I told my brother that our "houses" were not at peace.  I had to include the whole lot because of the crazy maneuvers of his wife.  If I had contact with him, it was contact with her.  I would have liked the convenience of being able to keep them separate, but just can't afford it.  One big reason was he couldn't afford to separate from psycho woman, whatever his reasons are.  So that's it.  I can't really expect him to separate from her.  And she doesn't want to share.  

So I do not accept any contact from any of the people in her house.  Because any communication I know is coming from her crazy head.  The others are just puppets.  Everything is suspect.  Everything.

You might consider telling your dad that you cannot communicate with him either as long as she is manipulating him.  It is sad and grievous, but you may have to say so long until later.  Obviously, this is your decision and it is different because this is a parent we are talking about.  Just food for thought.

Hugs, Seeker

[Moonflower]

.......

[mighty mouse]

Hi Flower,

I treat my NPD sister like you would a stalker. I no longer have any curiosity about what she might send, I just chuck it without opening it. And I definately don't respond to anything because these types relish getting a reaction - bad or good. You might be tempted because of your Dad's involvement but you know it's more propaganda from your Mom. Unlike P, I don't look at any of the stuff....I disregard it completely. You can be sure it's more of the same since these types never change.

Since it's been a few days since you posted this, have you made a decision? I'd be interested in knowing if you feel like you want to.

As for still getting phone calls from them, have you considered call blocking? That way they just get a nice recored message and I don't think it goes through to you at all. I'm telling you, I love this feature and it's only a few dollars a month in my area. You can put in up to 12 numbers.

I know I probably sound like a broken record on this thing about call block but it's a great feature if you truly want undesirables out of your loop.

Good luck and hope to hear about your decision.

MM

[Anonymous]

Flower,

Do you feel that your father is a weak pawn in all this, and that your mom rides on the back of his good will? It may be that your father has been under her thumb so long he can’t see it, and he feels in the middle. It sounds as if you don’t hold him fully accountable. That he doesn’t fit in the same category as your mom, but ends up being her accessory in crime.
 What you might do, if you want to gently prod at him to perhaps look a little deeper at your feelings, and give him time to think about it more, is  slip the card into a larger envelop with a note. The note might say: that although you are happy to receive a card from him, you feel (fear?) it is yet another ruse of your mother’s, and that you can not risk  this intrusion, as you have found that not interacting with her has been a tremendous relief in your life. Tell him you realize that maybe he does feel caught in the middle, but you have to make a stand for yourself. Educate him. You know for yourself, your understanding of your Nmom was a slow unfolding and unpeeling of a false reality, and it is probably so for your father as well. With many more years invested. That way you send the card back, in kindness, as well as a point made. Good luck.