Dear Lily,
This is such an important point. Thank you!
In battling my way out of the paper bag of codependency, I do think that this issue of not trusting myself was the primary chain which bound me. Until recently, I did not realize just how much I'd always longed for someone to come to my rescue, to take care of me, to look out for my best interests.
With NPD-ex, for instance... alot of money went into meeting his needs for physical care - his medical visits and prescriptions, his dental work. Once toward the end, I finally got up the nerve to say so, out loud to him - - that I'd invested so much in taking care of him. He screamed back at me - - something to the effect of - - Don't you tell me that it's MY fault you didn't make yourSELF an appointment, etc. etc..... I didn't stop you!
Well, no... he didn't directly prevent me. But I was waiting and waiting and waiting for him to give me permission to get the care I needed. That interest, concern, involvement, whatever... well, it never came. He was only too happy to suck up all the resources for himself... and I did not have the sense that it was okay for me to need some help and care, too!
This goes into another topic altogether, sort of, but at the root of it IS trust in self... because if I'd had that, then I'd have followed through on scheduling my own care before things got into such a desperate state.
Anyhow, I am happy to report that I just got home from the dentist and finally, 5 years post-NPD-ex, my treatments are done and I'm much healthier all the way around!
Also, I now trust myself enough to make decisions on many other matters which previously seemed wayyyyy beyond my realm.
Thanks for the opportunity to take inventory, Lily! And I am so pleased for you that you are having these Aha! moments!!
Love,
Carolyn