The importance of trust

[LilyCat]

As some here know, I've been having a horrendous time lately. Really bad. Just wanted to share something else that came up at group last night which was really helpful. It turned around a lot for me -- more than just this bout of miserableness.

Trust.

It's so essential that we trust ourselves. It is important for so many reasons, but especially in protecting ourselves.

My therapist said that we are the only experts on ourselves. Only we know how we feel or react to something. He can help us deal with things, but only we know how we feel.

The discussion was much longer than that. I'm not going to remember it accurately -- if I do, I'll put more on this post.

But here's my takeaway: on the way home, I realized that I could trust myself to take care of myself. I've always seen this as an issue of competence and other things; it always seemed to me that the basic message from my parents was that I was incompetent; incapable of doing anything for myself. (I think they "said" this so that I would stick around and take care of them ... so I must have been competent enough to do that, LOL.)

But I think their real underlying message was that I could not be trusted -- to take care of myself, to do something right, to avoid "sin" (very religiously repressed), etc. Perhaps it stems from that old Calvinist/Puritanical doctrine, who knows. But it seems to me now that they were telling me I was untrustworthy in these respects.

Last on my way home after group, I got it! I can trust myself to take care of myself. I can do it -- whatever "it" is. I can trust myself to do the daily grudges, to protect myself, to know what feels right and what doesn't (e.g., the N pastor).

I can trust myself. So I don't need parents any more. Which means I don't need MY parents or the illusive "ideal" parents. I can stop looking for them.

Boy, does that feel good. Really turned around my world.

I've written this about me, but I was really trying to share a possibly helpful insight for others: trust yourself. You're the one person you can trust...on anything to do with yourself.

[Leah]

I resonate with full accord, Lily

Trust yourself. You're the one person you can trust...on anything to do with yourself.


I do think that confidence and inner trust are one and the same in an healthy emotional state of being.  Confidence is one's ability to cope and depend upon oneself - to create a reality that is dependable.    And so, if one does not have confidence - then one will create a reality that one cannot depend upon.

Yes, I may have trust in others, but if I don't have trust in myself, then quite simply, I am lost.

Trust and acceptance of - which go hand in hand, are possibly the most powerful life equipping tools that anyone may choose to have.

I am able to trust my heart, for I know where my heart is, with regard to full and complete trust, and I trust that I will not do anything that might create pain and suffering - i.e. self sacrifice and self sabotage.   

- and to say NO, if it doesn't seem appropriate or right to me - regardless of whosoever.


Love, Leah

Proverbs 3:5-6

[Certain Hope]

Dear Lily,

This is such an important point. Thank you!

In battling my way out of the paper bag of codependency, I do think that this issue of not trusting myself was the primary chain which bound me.  Until recently, I did not realize just how much I'd always longed for someone to come to my rescue, to take care of me, to look out for my best interests.

With NPD-ex, for instance... alot of money went into meeting his needs for physical care - his medical visits and prescriptions, his dental work. Once toward the end, I finally got up the nerve to say so, out loud to him - - that I'd invested so much in taking care of him. He screamed back at me - - something to the effect of - - Don't you tell me that it's MY fault you didn't make yourSELF an appointment, etc. etc..... I didn't stop you!

Well, no... he didn't directly prevent me. But I was waiting and waiting and waiting for him to give me permission to get the care I needed. That interest, concern, involvement, whatever... well, it never came. He was only too happy to suck up all the resources for himself... and I did not have the sense that it was okay for me to need some help and care, too!

This goes into another topic altogether, sort of, but at the root of it IS trust in self... because if I'd had that, then I'd have followed through on scheduling my own care before things got into such a desperate state.

Anyhow, I am happy to report that I just got home from the dentist and finally, 5 years post-NPD-ex, my treatments are done and I'm much healthier all the way around!
Also, I now trust myself enough to make decisions on many other matters which previously seemed wayyyyy beyond my realm.
Thanks for the opportunity to take inventory, Lily! And I am so pleased for you that you are having these Aha! moments!!

Love,
Carolyn

[James]

Lily......"incapable of doing anything for myself", what a revealing statement. In a nutshell I think this is about power. Power to erase from their mind their experiences when they were held hostage by THEIR parents. Do these people treat you like you are their own personal property? Apparently they don't realize you are not an extension of their own inner life and its distortions. They are not conscious............James

[Gaining Strength]

LilyCat - my parents fed me the same message.  I am just now breaking out of that deeply internalized belief.  As I work with my brother to uncover my mother's "secrets" about her finances and other related issues, I am learning that I am completely competent to resolve the mess that she has made.  As I did this I had to face the fact that if I can do this for her then the ability to do this for myself has always been within me.

I was unable to access this ability and this belief in myself until my oldest brother did a 180 degree turn last summer and began to talk with me and agrre with me abour our parents and the wretched affect on us that their wretchedness had.  Now we are working in tandem and I am astonishingly amazed. 

I have to believe that the main difference between where I have been and where I am now is that my brother decided to work with me instead of against me.  It has truly changed my life.

Now I am facing my own financial and legal nightmares and ticking things off one by one.  Each one is extremely painful and causes me great turmoil but I go deep inside and turn to prayer to help me shake off the fear and anxiety which has, until now, completely paralyzed me and sent me underground (ostrich-like.)

I agree with you that trusting ourselves is key.  It has been such a long road for me to begin to be able to do that.  All my self-image was completely undermined by my experiences and by the complete abandonment and sabotage by my FOO.  I could not interpret their great disdain of me as having any origin other than my complete undeserving.  But I am turning that around and developing a good sense of ME.

I believe that you will be able to do that as well and am deeply thankful that you were able to hear that last night in the midst of these dark days. 

My experience has been that when I found something as important as what you have found that initially it was a great relief but that "help" would fade after time. When I simply turned back to that learning and kept it close to my heart I could regenerate the original power it had.  I would have to go this process more than once and each time I would go stronger.  I am telling you this in case you find yourself slipping into despair again.  Just turn to this power you have found in "trust yourself" and do not let it go.  Stay with it doggedly and it will continue to strengthen you.

Love to you and much sympathy for what you have been suffering.  There is hope and you are finding it.  Keep that in mind even if dark days come again.  Have faith that you will continue to find hope.

[LilyCat]

Wow, these are all very pithy responses. Thank you.

Leah, I think you are absolutely right. It sounds like you've come a long way.

Carolyn, boy, do I relate to the rescue thing. It's been a big issue, looking for someone to take care of me. I'm thinking that maybe this trust thing will resolve a lot of that.

Sometimes when I hear your experience, it just sounds so awful. I'm so sorry you had to go through -- and glad you're taking good care of yourself! Bravo!!!

James, you always hit me with your posts. You are so smart and so insightful. You posted another one today that really got to me. In yours here, you really hit the nail on the head. My parents are deceased, but my dad saw everyone, I think (or at least his progeny) as extensions of himself. He wasn't an N but he did have a few N traits, and I think this is one of them. And yes, it's all about power. I have been learning that power is a big issue for me.

Shame Slayer, I think you are totally competent -- but I understand that you may not have always felt that way. Thanks so much for your beautiful words of encouragement. Yes, I have experienced the "slip" thing -- I will keep your words in mind. My, but you have been through a lot.

Thank you all, again.

Hugs and kisses!

LC

[teartracks]

Hi LilyCat,

Edit in:  This information makes my stomach churn every time I read it.  See if any of it sounds familiar.

Pavlov's dog:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ivan_Pavlov

http://employees.csbsju.edu/tcreed/pb/pavcon.html
 
In a nutshell, learned helplessness is:  An apathetic attitude stemming from the conviction that one's actions do not have the power to affect one's situation.

Learned helplessness.  Martin Seligman.

Links: 

http://www.noogenesis.com/malama/discouragement/helplessness.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness


LilyCat says: But here's my takeaway: on the way home, I realized that I could trust myself to take care of myself. I've always seen this as an issue of competence and other things; it always seemed to me that the basic message from my parents was that I was incompetent; incapable of doing anything for myself. (I think they "said" this so that I would stick around and take care of them ... so I must have been competent enough to do that, LOL.)

Carolyn says:  Until recently, I did not realize just how much I'd always longed for someone to come to my rescue, to take care of me, to look out for my best interests.

SS says:  All my self-image was completely undermined by my experiences and by the complete abandonment and sabotage by my FOO.

James says:   Do these people treat you like you are their own personal property? Apparently they don't realize you are not an extension of their own inner life and its distortions. They are not conscious............

tt

[Certain Hope]

Hi tt,

Thank you so much for the info on Learned Helplessness.

Exactly. And yes, it's stomach churning.

You know that nightmare where you're standing on the railway tracks with an train bearing down... and absolutely cannot move?
Well, that one - in many different shapes and forms - has been a constant theme.

Hi Lily,

Thank you. All of this has reminded me of something I posted here quite awhile back which might be good for review.
I'll bring it back around in a new thread... it's called the Fawn Response.

Love to you,
Carolyn

[LilyCat]

Just briefly -- got a lot of work, got to get going -- thank you everyone. TT, that is awesome. I can't wait to read your links, probably at lunchtime.

Thanks all!