I have an Ndad? Who am I then?

[PnkDragn3]

About a month ago I was in a counseling session telling the counselor about the outragious things my dad does.  I think the thing that tipped her off was that my dad doesnt thing God talks to or thru him, he IS God...

She coppied some pages from her MSD-IV book for me to read.  My dad has all 9 suggestions.  It was such a relief for me to finally have a name for what I have been suffering with since a child.  I had been in counseling for many many years and on massive amounts of antidepressants and antianxiety medication for the past 13 years.  I always thought there was something seriously wrong with me but the dozens of Doctors I have been to all gave a different diagnosis.  When I would investigate into these diagnosis' they wouldnt pan out.

Even tho I have always tried to be a good person I was made to feel as if I was of no value and was a very VERY bad person.  Punished for having emotions or doing normal child like things.  I never understood why I was such a terrible person or why what I was doing to be so wrong.  But I knew it was wrong and I was a terrible person because that is what has been ingrained into my head for so many years.  So now at the age of 35 I am trying to figure out who I am and what beliefs I have about myself are actually mine.

I have a hatrid for my father that I have never been able to forgive and put away.  I dont know that I want to.  Everyone says its better to forgive and forget, buy my thinking is is if I do that I make myself more vulnerable to him.  I recently found out that my dad has told people that he is affraid I am going to kill him because I have a gun and I want my inheritance.  This blows me away.  I cant for the life of me figure this one out.  The thing I dont think he realizes is that I dont want a damn thing from him.  EVER.  Even after he is dead.  I couldnt live with myself if I took money from a man that I hate with all my heart.

Where do I start with trying to figure out who I am?  I have been reading alot of stuff on the internet and I have ordered some books.  The whole thing is just so inconceivable that another person can do so much harm to their own child and not even flinch.  I dont think he even has a clue.  The hardest part I think is that there is nothing I or anyone else can do to get him to realize he has a very serious problem.  I would like to label him as an "Extreme Narcissist" even if that is not a real medical name.

Can anyone get me started in the direction I need to go to heal?  I really am rather resourceful but to tell you the truth, I dont have a clue.  I would be greatful for any arrows anyone can send my way.

Betrayed,
PnkDragn3

[nassim]

Dear pnkdragn3,

Hi. Your Dad sounds very destructive. I would get as far away as possible from someone so destructive if you haven't already.

Are you in present contact with him? And can you clarify more of your situation...like other family members that may be in the dynamic.

Nassim

[Anonymous]

Hello Pink Dragon,

Welcome.  Isn't it sort of sadly wonderful to finalize realize what the real issue is?  

First, forget about trying to convince him he has a problem.  The catch is, these people live in a world where they are perfect and no one else is.  "I'm OK and you're not." Telling him he has a problem is proof of your wrongness and reinforces his conclusion of perfection.  It's a bug in the computer programming.  It goes round and round and you can't fix it, sad to say.

The good news is that now you know it isn't you.  And you're not alone.  A first step (besides the counseling) is to read the articles on this site.  Also, the What Helps? message board has a list of books that many people here recommend.  Hopefully this will get you started on rebuilding.  Take your time.  It's your life now.

Peace, Seeker

[PnkDragn]

Over the past few days I have been reading everything I can get my hands on to understand this condition.  I think I have read to much because my brain doesnt seem to want to cooperate with me to give you more details about my situation.  I dont think its anything that a good night sleep wouldnt help tho...lol

I have both of my parents and one brother and one sister who are both older than me.  I am married with a young daughter and she and I recently moved in with my mom because I fear for her safety.  About 4 months ago dad left and filed for divorce.  Since mom started standing up to him and trying to keep what is hers in the divorce he has become unreasonable.  My dad is the type that if you "defy him" he feels it is his duty to "punish" you.  That is exactly what he is doing to my mom at the moment and I fear for her safety.   So I left my husband at his job and moved in with her to make sure that she is safe here.  I am so lucky to have a wonderful and understanding husband.  I dont think I could live with myself if something happened to her and I wasnt here to protect her.  

I am the youngest in the bunch and after my sister moved out I was the one getting the brunt of his "punishments".  After reading about how people with NPD have no feeling or concern with other, I am begining to wonder if i dont have some of this in me.  I know at times I dont feel love for anyone at all and loveing myself is absolutly out of the question.  How do I know that what I am doing for my daughter isnt just as distructive to my daughter as my father was to me.  I have brought this up to my counselor and she said that since I even asked that question I dont have anything to worry about.  But it still scares the hell out of me.  The thought of hurting someone especially my daughter just tears me apart.

I have a slightly above average IQ but from being told I am a "stupid little b*tch" for so many years, that is the way I feel about myself.  I find myself to be frozen to the point that I cant stand leaving the house.  I have been on ssd for 7 years now because I just cant seem to function outside of the house.  The last time I tried to work I ended up having a nervous break down and serious suicidal tendencies.  I spend the next month locked up in the mental ward.  Over the past 16 years I have average 2 weeks of hospital stays a year.  So needless to say I'm not very impressed with myself.  However, back in January I got off all the medications i had been on for 13 years.  Looking back I think the medications made my situation worse.  

I need to take a break from this madness for a little while and then I will write to Seeker.  Thanks again for your interests.

Truly Devistated,
PnkDragn

[Anonymous]

Seeker, You are being conned! Look at the content of this post. Isn't it familiar? This is what I have been warning about. Posts put together that cleverly mock targeted people.

[Ishana]

I am going to ignore the last post.

So, how do we get rid of this feeling that we are "terrible" people?  It is so ingrained.  

Ishana

[Anonymous]

Seeker,

It is sadly wonderful to have a name, but I'm not so sure I want to know what I know now.  Everything I have read just doesnt seem real.  I know that what I have read and how he acts are the same but it just seems so far fetched that it just cant be real.  Right now I feel as if I am in a nightmare and I should be waking up any time to find a perfect life, I think that is how I deal with my reality.  My head just keeps spinning and I know I'm in for another sleepless night trying to get a grip on something sane.

Thank you for your advise about the information on this website.  I think I will wait until morning to take in any more information.

PnkDragn3 =o)

[Anonymous]

Hi Pink Dragon.

You have had a lot to deal with over the years and it has been very hard on you.  I'm sorry for all you have been through.

You say you don't feel good about yourself because you have been on medication and have had hospital stays in order to try to help yourself emotionally.

If you had diabetes and needed to take insulin injections to stay alive, would you be unable to love yourself because of that illness?

Your illness is no less your fault than if you had some other illness.