Thank you all. You are true friends. TRUE friends!
Izzy, you said the right thing. The exactly right thing. Your warm and gentle heart came through, and it reached me. Like you, I never could go to my parents for support or with a problem. I never had a "real" conversation with them. They were never emotionally there for me.
I am so sorry about your ex-husband. I didn't know that. It must have been just devastating. I have a friend at church who is a wonderful, highly intelligent, really capable and competent and nice person. When she first came to the church she was married to someone. They got divorced; a few years later he killed himself. It was quite awhile ago but I often think of this part of her life. I'm sure she couldn't have been part of the reason; it had to be his own internal demons. I'm sure the same is true for you. It's never because of another person. It's because of anger turned inward. Soley because of that. I am so sorry. Like you haven't had enough to carry around.
Also, it just felt good to hear from someone a little older. Thank you. We do sound like we have a lot in common. I get the whole voicelessness/not standing up for yourself thing. I really do.
Carolyn, you are always such a good and loyal and caring friend, and you always have this special lightness to what you have to say. It just shines through. Just you saying hi is all I ever need.
Phoenix, thank you too. You detailed exactly what I want/seek to do, but I just can't seem to find the entranceway into that. I am sure there would be lots of powerful emotions if I could just get in there. That's my frustration. I'm not afraid to go there, I just can't seem to find the roadmap.
I do know about not being important enough to have wants. It's the big message from my parents: you don't count. They threw me under the bus for themselves, my sister, and at times but in radically different ways, for my brother (not so much for him, except after he got hurt.)
So, thank you all. You are dear to my heart, very dear.
One of the frustrations that I didn't talk about is that I read here and on the other board, and/or I see people in real life -- but mostly on these boards -- and it seems like everyone else is able to just get down and dirty and be human and say things to the people who post, and I feel such an inability to do that. I feel better able to do it here, because this board has a different culture/atmosphere (despite the conflicts) ... but I especially feel it on the other board. People have been very supportive, but when I try to reply back, I just don't feel like am able to do it as well as they. Maybe it's because they were all much more involved with their Ns -- spent a lot of time with them, were married to them, really got to see their real selves -- but I suspect that if they'd never been involved with an N, I'd still feel this difference.
And can I say, I just really miss the N. Part of this, I know, is mourning him. It's not just mourning this wonderful person I fell in love with. It's much deeper than that. He was my friend for 10 years, during which he was only really good to me. He was a very vital source of strength and support and friendship to me. I didn't have to talk to him so much, never went to him for counseling; it was just that he represented strength to me, and just his friendly self always did so much to get me from week to week. I don't have that this time, just when I most need it. I really miss him. (Yes, I know it's the fake him. But he sure seemed real. It's uncanny. I can't believe how these people who are total fakes are much more believable than the typical person we/I cast as phoney. They're easy to see through!)
Anyway, thank you so much to you all. I don't know if I'll get to a computer, so if I don't, everyone have a good weekend! I believe I will be able to catch up on laundry in air-conditioned coolness, now that the plumbing and A/c issues are fixed. Sounds exciting, doesn't it?
Hugs and kisses to you all.
Love,
Lily
