Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Shaking as I write this....

<< < (2/4) > >>

Anonymous:
What a powerful story.  I related to much of it.  I'm very sorry for your losses.  I don't have any words of wisdom for you.  I just lurk on here once in awhile.  But ... I can see much of my dad in what you described.  My parents are both healthy for now, thankfully.  But, even now, mom gets blamed for everything and has to endure outbursts.  She plays into it though.  She is not without fault.  Somehow, I think she needs to feel needed, even if its in an unhealthy way.  

I hope you find comfort here, or anywhere.

Anonymous:
It sounds like my father was very much like yours except mine was quite violent throughout his life.  He told my mother that if she ever left him, he'd cripple her and murder her children, she believed him, so she stayed.  She said she didn't ever tell anyone this but she told me when I confronted her about staying with him for so long, once I was an adult, in my attempt to help her escape custody.  She too was of the generation that "stayed for better or worse" plus she had a very strict religious upbringing and thought it was a sin to leave him.  Her own brother reinforced this thinking, when one time, she found the courage to try to get away.  She went back and even though I loved my uncle dearly, I was very, very angry with him for his directing her to "get back to your husband".

Until 1969, abuse was not a legal reason for divorce.  A judge would not grant a divorce (in my country) due to abuse until 1969.  By then, my mother had spent over 25 years in torment.  It's hard to make dramatic changes after such a long time, for anyone, never mind someone who lives in terror and has done, for so long.

There may be many reasons why your mom stayed and she may not have told anyone.  I say this, to help you understand other possible reasons.  There may be many more.

You are such a wonderful, loving, loyal, empathetic, giving daughter and I want you to really listen to that statement and believe it.  You have extended yourself far beyond anything you owe to your father and you showed such honour toward your mother, it brings tears to my eyes.
I am proud of the way you have acted in trying to help her through her last days and you have shown great integrity and kindness, both great qualities in any person.

I had no contact with my father for many years after my mother died.  Neither did my siblings.  Near the end of his days, a next of kin was needed to make decisions about his care and I agreed to be that, since none of my siblings would agree and because I wanted to do the right thing.  I'm not sure that my taking on that responsibility was generous.  It was more to protect my own feelings and to avoid feeling guilty for not doing it, than anything.

Your father deserves to be cared for in a safe, secure environment, where his needs will be met.  That's all.  You are not responsible for providing that care personally.  Once he is placed in the proper environment, he will adapt and probably end up enjoying it.  This is what my dad did.  He loved the attention and was seen as "a lovely elderly gentleman" who kept talking about my mother and how much he looooooooved her and that she was "a movie star" to him.  What crap!!!

My point is he was better off.  We were all better off.  There was no shame in getting him the help he needed and there is no shame, whatsoever in your doing the same thing for your father.

Getting on with your own life, (and your sis too), is the healthy thing to do now.  You can visit with him and if he becomes nasty, you can go.  You can protect your children from his abusive ways and that.......is your obligation as a parent.

I hope I have not offended you in any way by saying these things.  I want only for you to see that you have done your very best so far and that what you are thinking of doing next is the right thing to do and is the best for everyone.  There is nothing to feel guilty about.  You are a fantastic daughter that any parent could wish for and you have acted the best way you know how.  You've given enough already.  It's time to give to your own family, to your own self,  and put your dad in a place where he will receive the attention he craves and the care he needs.

Anonymous:
I'm the same guest as above.

When he goes for his surgery on Monday, you could make it clear to that you and sis are concerned for his well-being and that you want him placed.
He cannot manage on his own.  He is a danger due to his recent violent behaviour and you cannot cope with it.

Could they keep him in hospital until an appropriate placement can be made?
If not, can the plans for this be initiated now?
Tell them you are concerned that he could harm someone and neither of you feel safe being there alone with him.  You have your own families to care for and the stress is too much.

Best wishes to you and sis.

Discounted Girl:
Bobbie,
Well, you have sure been through a lot, you and your sister, not to mention your mother. Your responsibility lies with your husband and children, not with your father. I also think that steps should be taken to declare him incompetent - you have no choice. He has wasted his whole life and wreaked havoc with your's, your sister's, your poor mother's and others I am sure. The stage is set for him to hurt you, your sister, someone else or himself. The die has been cast.

He might do better in a structured environment where, at least the people he abuses gets paid for it. You have nothing to feel guilty about now or in the future. I have not spoken to the NQueenmother in over 3 years and I have not missed her nor felt guilty for one moment. It is a type of peace to know I am not going to be under her microscope ever again nor suffer her abuse, even though the ramifications of her torments run deep in my soul and will be there forever. Their age has nothing to do with it. While it is sad to see an old frail person with such a nasty heart, it is their choice.

I am very happy that you and your sister have each other. There are some who post here who have to take care of the elderly Nparent all alone. I would never fault your mother, things were different for her back then and she did the only thing she knew to do. I am sorry if the last sounds her earthly ears heard were from his big abusive mouth. Think of that the next time a pang of guilt or sense of obligation hits you. Your mother is at peace now and I believe you will see her again in a time of joy and love without sorrow. God bless you and good luck.

Anonymous:
There is a special place in Hell for people like your Nfather.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page