Challenging Yourself/Thoughts

[dandylife]

Have you heard of Byron Katie? She is a woman who struggled with depression and has apparently overcome it and helps others now. I just discovered her web site today.

Sounds cool.

Here's a tidbit:

Do you really want to know the truth? Investigate each of your statements using the four questions and the turnaround
below. Leave out “but”, “because”, or “and”. Take only one negative judgment at a time through the process.
Often you will have several negative judgments about one person. Take each judgment separately through the
inquiry process The Work is a meditation. It’s about awareness; it’s not about trying to change your mind. Let the mind
ask the questions, then contemplate. Take your time, go inside, and wait for the deeper answers to surface.

The Four Questions
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?

Here’s an example of how the four questions might be applied to the statement, “Paul should understand me.”

1. Is it true? Is it true that he should understand you? Be still. Wait for the heart’s response.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Ultimately, can you really know what he should or shouldn’t
understand? Can you absolutely know what’s in his best interest to understand?

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? What happens when you believe “Paul
should understand me” and he doesn’t? Do you experience anger, stress, frustration? Do you give him “the
look”? Do you try to change him in any way? How do these reactions feel? Does that thought bring stress or
peace into your life? Be still as you listen.

4. Who would you be without the thought? Close your eyes. Picture yourself in the presence of the person you
want to understand you. Now imagine looking at that person, just for a moment, without the thought, “I want
him to understand.” What do you see? What would your life look like without that thought?

The Turnaround
Next, turn your statement around. The turnarounds are an opportunity to consider the opposite of what you believe to be
true. You may find several turnarounds.

For example, “Paul should understand me” turns around to:
• Paul shouldn’t understand me. (Isn’t that reality sometimes?)
• I should understand me. (It’s my job, not his.)
• I should understand Paul. (Can I understand that he doesn’t understand me?)

Let yourself fully experience the turnarounds. For each one, ask yourself, “Is that as true or truer?” Can you find specific
examples in your life where the turnaround is as true or truer? This is not about blaming yourself or feeling guilty. It’s
about discovering alternatives that can bring you peace.

The Turnaround for Number 6
The turnaround for statement number 6 is a little different:

“I don’t ever want to experience an argument with Paul again” turns around to:
I am willing to experience an argument with Paul again, and
I look forward to experiencing an argument with Paul again.

Number 6 is about welcoming all your thoughts and experiences with open arms as it shows you where you are still at war
with reality. If you feel any resistance to a thought, your Work is not done. When you can honestly look forward to
experiences that have been uncomfortable, there is no longer anything to fear in life—you see everything as a gift that can
bring you self-realization.

Web site: http://www.thework.com/about.asp

Edit in: Forgot to sign my name! Dandylife

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Dandylife,

I really like the sound of this. Sounds like a great method for practicing renewal of the mind and breaking out of old thought-ruts.

One concern might be... ensuring that good, firm boundaries have been put into place - and practiced - before undertaking some of this.
Like number 6...
you know, there are still some folks with whom I have a really hard time imagining how it could ever be advantageous to have a discussion,
let alone an argument, and much less - look forward to it 

For someone like me, who's often tried to tackle things in the most difficult manner possible and attempted to deal with folks I'd really have been best off to leave alone (used to take all this on lest I fall into old avoidant patterns), it can be quite a relief to just let it go and not make everything into a lesson!
But I think this is great info for working on developing greater intimacy and rapport within important relationships.

Love,
Carolyn

[CB123]

Dandy,

Yes, I have read Byron Katie quite a bit in the last year and she has really made me think.  I have worked through a WHOLE LOT of my issues with my boyfriend using her 4 questions.  Her wisdom seems to just fit me where I am now, and it feels comfortable to approach relationships this way.

I think you probably need some good boundary work under your belt because an N could use the 4 questions on you until you didnt know which end is up.  But I have really, really benefited from her work.

Thanks for bring this to the board.

CB

[dandylife]

Carolyn & CB123,

I hear you about the boundaries - I wasn't sure about that last part, either.

This was great for me to read because, living with a person who has BPD, I am constantly encountering magical thinking - beliefs that have zero logic behind them.

Such as:

"If she doesn't put the armrest up between in the plane, that means she loves me" (wants closeness) What if it doesn't even occur to me?

"If she hands me a towel when I'm done with my shower, she loves me." What if I'm too busy to notice?

"If she is gone too long running errands, she's cheating on me." (Huh?)

"If she sits too close to____ that means she wants him." (Huh?)

"If she wears 2 earrings in her ear, she's a slut." (Huh??????)

Etc. etc. on and on. And he never challenges himself.

Of course, I'm probably prone to my own delusional beliefs --- ha! I will examine them from now on when they're causing trouble......

Dandylife