Intrusiveness

[Leah]

[first posted on January 10, 2008]


http://family.jrank.org/pages/172/Boundary-Dissolution-Dimensions-Boundary-Dissolution.html


Intrusiveness                


Intrusiveness, also termed psychological control, is characterized by overly controlling and coercive parenting that intrudes into the child's thoughts and emotions and is not respectful of the autonomy of the child (Barber 1996).

Whereas enmeshment is characterized by a seamless equality ("we feel alike"), the intrusive relationship is a hierarchical one in which the parent attempts to direct the child's inner life ("you feel as I say").

Psychological control may be carried out in ways that are more subtle than overt behavioral control. Rather than telling the child directly what to do or think, the parent may use indirect hints and respond with guilt induction or withdrawal of love if the child refuses to comply.

In short, a psychologically controlling parent strives to manipulate the child's thoughts and feelings in such a way that the child's psyche will conform to the parent's wishes.

Longitudinal data show that infants of intrusive mothers later demonstrate problems in academic, social, behavioral, and emotional adjustment in first and second grades (Egeland, Pianta, and O'Brien 1993).

Psychological control also is predictive of anxiety and depression in children (see Barber 2002) and of delinquency, particularly in African-American youth (Walker-Barnes and Mason 2001).

[Leah]

This is how it speaks to me:

Enmeshment: because there was no separate identity ~ no boundary between that of parent and child.  As a child, no validation or identity as a child person, hence, nullified, rendered void.  The child has no identity or voice of expression etc. 

The child is never allowed to assert his or her own independence of thought or action, have a choice.



Intrusion:  because of the parent overly controlling and coercive to the child.  The parent intrudes into the child's thoughts and emotions and is not respectful of the autonomy of the child.  The parent intrudes by walking into and taking control of the child's psyche, inner self.

Rather than telling the child directly what to do or think, the parent may use indirect hints and respond with guilt induction or withdrawal of love if the child refuses to comply. In short, a psychologically controlling parent strives to manipulate the child's thoughts and feelings in such a way that the child's psyche will conform to the parent's wishes.

[Leah]

EMOTIONAL REPRESSION

If you were raised in a family that was uncomfortable and confused about what to do with their emotions, and have not had an opportunity in your adult life to learn about your own emotions, you will have limited skills to assist you with emotional pain.

Some people believe they will be “emotionally well” when they no longer feel anything “negative.”

They have the mistaken belief that reaching the state of health means never feeling scared, angry, or sad.

The truth about thinking and emotional health is that it entails being comfortable with your emotions. To become emotionally well we have to learn to suspend judgment about our feelings as either good or bad, and accept them as simple human responses associated with living in this world in a body.


>> Hence, this valids for me, personally, my thoughts and belief, of living with the Negative and the Positive as a means of a healthy balanced life.

Surely, a healthy balanced life is how one decides to live with BOTH --- side by side, in the dealing with, working with, each aspect, accordingly.

Hence, being an integrated whole person.


Once you learn to not fear your emotions, you become free to experience life.

Because I went through many losses as a child and was raised in a family that could not teach me how to cope with my emotions, I started my adulthood with strong denial and emotional repression.

Subconsciously I believed that releasing my emotions would result in a complete loss of control and disintegration that I would never recover from.

Once I realized I had this fear-based belief, I was able to work through it, allowing myself to admit that I came from a dysfunctional family and to feel the emotions that went along with growing up with a lot of emotional pain.

As a result of opening up my emotional side, I found that my body felt less tense and I was taking more risks in life.

Doing this emotional processing allowed me one of my greatest joys in life, becoming a parent.

Working through our grief and painas we come to accept our changed bodies puts us in a better position to be available to our daughters and granddaughters as they come into their womanly bodies.


Operating as an Integrated Whole Person

I understand humankind to be spiritual "beings" in physical bodies. We experience human, earthly life through our mind, emotions, and body. When we are using all of our entities we feel integrated and complete.

The order in which we respond to life is as follows:

an event happens, we formulate a thought about the event, an emotional response produces an energy form in the body, and the body reacts by releasing the emotional energy.

We have the capacity to feel four basic emotions: anger, sadness, joy, and fear (mad, sad, glad, and scared).

We have lots of words to describe our feelings, but they can all be traced back to those four basic emotions.


Irritation, annoyance, frustration, or rage are all forms of anger.


Each emotion runs on a continuum from mild to intense.

For example, a little bit of sadness may be called disappointment, whereas intense sadness might be expressed as devastation,

and a little bit of joy might be called feeling pleased, whereas a lot of joy could be called elation.



January 11, 2008 -- This is just what I have been searching for, validating confirming enlightenment.

Love, Leah

[Leah]

January 11, 2008


How to Move Forward


"Finding compassion for ourselves and room for our feelings is how we can move forward.

We need to accept our reactions as valid, no matter what they are.

It's our body, our loss, our change, our gain, depending on who we are and what attitudes and history we bring to the situation.

Finding compassion for ourselves and room for our feelings is how we can move forward.


I find that when I try to make myself feel grateful when I am faced with a disappointment -- it makes me feel worse."


Hence, Positive Only Confession does not work!!  Validating my very own thoughts and worldview, and, yes, my own personal experience too.

There is a real need for balance -- to be an integrated whole person. 


The opposite of which, would be  'emotional repression.'


"I still have the feelings about my disappointment that are being ignored, plus I think I am a bad person for not feeling sincere gratitude.

When I give myself room to be honest about my feelings I naturally seem to end up feeling grateful for what I do have.

Grief,  Pain, and Gratitude, can be experienced at the same time;

The important thing is to not prescribe one or the other for yourself."



So, in essence, in reality, one can feel grief, pain  AND at the same time feel grateful for all of which one has, past and present  ... at the same time!

All of which validates oneself as an integrated whole (authentic) person.

A healthy balanced person.


All about choice, I think.

Truly grateful.

Love, Leah



Personal walk of validation and enlightenment


January 11, 2008 and today.


Sourced from:

[Leah]

Regarding my thoughts, reaffirmed from the insightful articles, regarding the positive and the negative, together side by side, so as to be an integrated whole person -- a healthy balanced authentic person.


Personally, I did not buy into the "positive confession" movement, it had birthed into popularity long before I became a believer in Christ.   However, in the church - my first new home in my Christian faith, there were those of whom had been 'following' the well known proclaimers of "positive confession" -- however, quite simply, it did nothing for me personally, and I did not "buy" into it.  Which was accepted by those of whom I had made close friends with, bar one, who was relentless in her pursuit to 'change my mind' -- unsuccessfully.

The pivotal point in my life was at the time of a personal physical health issue - which no amount of "positive confession" could deny.  The church leadership was not happy upon my informing them of impending hospital date and only four friends - who evidently, were my real friends, visited me in hospital.  Oh, yes, I did receive a beautiful bouquet of flowers from the church, but no pastoral visit or follow-up call.  Suffice to say, I left the church due to 'spiritual abuse.'

In conclusion, I consider "positive confession" to be nothing more than a brilliant world wide marketing tool for business enterprise.  That works well.


Hence, certainly, NO 'magical thinking' in this department!

Love to ALL

Leah x

[Leah]

Postive and Negative belong together                         By Leland M. Haines

God commandments can be expressed two ways - as positive and as negative verses.    Following are listed one verse taken from each of the New Testaments books from Romans to Revelations (JKV).

Hopefully readings these will be helpful for the reader to see these two modes of expressing God's will. Our prayer is that these will be a blessing to all.

POSITIVE:

Rom 13:1: Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God.
 
I Cor:11:28: But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of that bread, and drink of that cup.

II Cor:17: Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.

Gal. 6:2: Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

Phil. 4:9: Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

Col. 4:6: Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.

I Thess. 5:16: Rejoice evermore. 17: Pray without ceasing. 18: In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. 19: Quench not the Spirit.

II Thess. 3:13: To the end he may stablish your hearts unblameable in holiness before God, even our Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ with all his saints.

I Tim. 2:8: I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting.

II Tim 4:2: Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all longsuffering and doctrine.

Tit. 2:7: In all things shewing thyself a pattern of good works:   in doctrine shewing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity.

Philem. 3: Grace to you, and peace, from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

Heb. 10:24: And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works.

Jas. 1:2: My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations.

I Pet. 2:21: For even hereunto were ye called: because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that ye should follow his steps.

II Pet. 3:18: But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen.

I John 2:6: He that saith he abideth in him ought himself also so to walk, even as he walked.

II John 6: And this is love, that we walk after his commandments. This is the commandment, That, as ye have heard from the beginning, ye should walk in it.

III John 11: Beloved, follow not that which is evil, but that which is good.    He that doeth good is of God: but he that doeth evil hath not seen God.

Jude 24: Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy.

Rev. 2:5: Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will remove thy candlestick out of his place, except
thou repent.

NEGATIVE:

Rom. 12:2: And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

I Cor. 6:7: Now therefore there is utterly a fault among you, because ye go to law one with another. Why do ye not rather take wrong? why do ye not rather suffer yourselves to be defrauded?

II Cor. 6:14: Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

Gal 4:13: Ye know how through infirmity of the flesh I preached the gospel unto you at the first.

Eph, 4:30: And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.

Phil. 2:4: Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Col. 3:21: Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.

I Thess. 5:19: Quench not the Spirit.

II Thess. 3:14: And if any man obey not our word by this epistle, note that man, and have no company with him, that he may be ashamed.

I Tim. 4:7: But refuse profane and old wives' fables, and exercise thyself rather unto godliness.

II Tim. 1:8: Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me his prisoner: but be thou partaker of the afflictions of the gospel according to the power of God.

Tit. 2:10: Not purloining, but shewing all good fidelity; that they may adorn the doctrine of God our Saviour in all things.

Philem. 14: But without thy mind would I do nothing; that thy benefit should not be as it were of necessity, but willingly.

Heb. 10:25: Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.

Jas. 4:11: Speak not evil one of another, brethren. He that speaketh evil of his brother,

                                                          and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law: but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge.


I Pet. 3:9: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.

II Pet. 3:8: But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.

I John 4:1: Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

II John 10: If there come any unto you, and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into your house, neither bid him God speed.

III John 11: Beloved, follow not that which is evil, but that which is good. He that doeth good is of God: but he that doeth evil hath not seen God.

Jude 10: But these speak evil of those things which they know not: but what they know naturally, as brute beasts, in those things they corrupt themselves.

Rev. 3:16: So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.


These few examples from the Word of God shows how He reveals His will in both positive and negative verses.   

To ignore or reject the use of negative statements would be folly and lead to partial obedience of God's will.

May the Christian seek to follow all the Word -- not part of it!

Jesus Christ, the Son of God who died and arose for redemption, salvation through His grace to those who will believe and follow, His will.

"The Spirituality of Imperfection" by Kurtz & Ketcham:

"We want to be done with all the misery and be happy all the time. Perhaps one source of our tendency to think in terms of either-or is our choice of words, for happiness and misery are 'either-or.' The traditional terms joy and sorrow better express our essential paradox, for we recognize both joy and sorrow as normal experiences; both, then, have a part in any spirituality. The attempt or the claim to experience only one will always be false...."

[Leah]

Christians are to love one another, and yes, sometimes, that may be from a distance, with a boundary.


There is only ONE judge -- seated in heaven, not on earth!


Jas. 4:11: Speak not evil one of another, brethren.

He that speaketh evil of his brother, and judgeth his brother, speaketh evil of the law, and judgeth the law:    but if thou judge the law, thou art not a doer of the law, but a judge.


I Pet. 3:9: Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.

[Ami]

Yes, Sista.  I,myself, am gearing up for an "easy on the ears "sermon, one  that is understandable.         Ami

[Ami]

 Just wanted to say that *I* am always in the front row for my own sermons(lol) i.e I need them as much as anyone!           Ami

[Leah]

((((((((( Ami ))))))))))

Likewise, me too, I feel that it is a good sign;  a heart of conviction, with a desire to change, and that is my daily walk, trying as best I can, to be.

The day my heart grows cold (or lukewarm)  and I am not convicted in my heart of any wrongdoing -- is the day of concern, for me.

Love, Leah

[Leah]

Truth is that  " you shall know them by their fruits"  --  when 'Christians' turn on another Christian, it is not a good witness for Christ.      


2 Cors 6:17      Therefore, "Get away from them and separate yourselves from them," declares the Lord.         


"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct your paths.

 
Proverbs 3:5-7



I am responsible for my heart, of which I choose to guard.     I can remain here and be beaten down some more  OR   "I can walk away from the table"


"Peace"

Love, Leah


Proverbs 4:23




It is written and I believe:      


... "If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ... neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Rom 8:31-39)"


The force of Paul's argument obviously calls upon us to accept this relationship rather than avoiding it—but having accepted it, then to settle, once and for all,
whether the excluding sneers of any Inner Ringer can be any threat whatsoever. For no human condemnation can find any point of attachment to the person whom God has forgiven and approved.

~ The Inner Ring - C.S. Lewis