Sending love to Shame Slayer

[Certain Hope]

Hugs, SS... I am believing that you are overcoming - present tense - even now.

Love,
Carolyn

P.S.  Thank you for writing such a wonderful update. I read it all, gratefully.

[ann3]

I have identified everything that controls me.  I see that I have internalized my father's message that "I get what I deserve." So if what I have is not very much and not very nice - then that is what I deserve.  I am powerless and enraged and shamed by being powerless.  My powerlessness came by acceding to my parents wishes.  The powerlessness is a psychological bind to which only I hold the key

Yesterday I gained the perspective that I believed that my parents had special knowledge about me and about life and I believed that my parents had my best interest at heart.  Both of these things were a lie.

I have kept that up as a way to be locked in with her out of that child's need to be connected to mother in order to survive.  My psychological relationship with her is servant-master.  My psychological trap still holds that I must continue to be servant to her in order to live but that is not true.  And I am in the midst of turning from a house slave who gets preferential treatment all the while remaining a slave to someone who breaks free and in doing so must renounce all the benefits of working in the house as opposed to the field.  It is hard to give up the benefits in spite of the glaring horrors one must accede to in order to receive them.

The most amazing thing about listening to him was that I had been unaware that she was doing it.  It is so "normal" for me that I have become immune to most of it.  But the lies make me crazy and yesterday I had this insight as though the clouds had parted: crazy - reasonable; shame - reasonable; out of money - reasonable.

I am giving her my power the same way she gives it to my brother.  I am still giving my father some sort of power psychologically.

I am going to work out my financial troubles and psychological binds and free myself from the evil that has bound me for my entire life.

Dear SS,

What incredible insights these are!!!!  You are a woman who knows herself.  You also know and see the craziness.  You see the Ns do their manipulations in real time, you see it happening and you know what it is and you can name it.  SS, this is major growth and healing.  You've worked so hard to get to this place of clarity and now you SEE it all.  Fantastic. These are painful revelations, but there's a happiness in knowing the truth, at least, that's my experience. 

You will work out your financial troubles and psychological binds because you are strong & powerful, with a built-in truth seeking radar. SS, you are Exhilarating!

Much love,
ann

[Ami]

Dear SS
 You are an inspiration, always have been, to me. Digging out is slow. We have wasted so much time as it is that we hate to waste any more in this pain. IT is so hard , so frustrating. I hear your pain and I understand.I am on your side .Thanks for being you ,dear friend!               Love   Ami


((((((((((SS))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

You all will never know how powerful your encouragements are.  I found myself welling up in tears.  I am surprised by my emotional reaction but your kindnesses have touched me to the core.  They encourage and empower me.  Thank you.

I feel stronger.  I feel more powerful.  I have found words to overcome the shame.  I truly believe and have believed for some time that thoughts shape reality.  I have been working for a couple of years now to change my thoughts.  I thought it would be a week or maybe a month or two.  I did not know it would be years.  But who cares - changing is the key.

I have always known that I could not do it by myself but I never believed that I would find the support online.  At first I thought this was "nice" but not exactly real.  But I was wrong.  It is real.  And your encouragement is as real as any could be and it helps me and it changes me.

THANK YOU!!!!!

[ann3]

Hi SS,

I thought it would be a week or maybe a month or two.  I did not know it would be years.    Me too!!  surprise!!!!

But who cares Exactly, but we've got no choice.  It takes as long as it takes.  It can't be rushed, it's a process.

You're an inspiration.

love,ann

[Hopalong]

They, my parents, are not kind, they do not love me, they never have.    We as a culture do not believe that parents do not love.  We do not accept that and do not believe people who claim that.

I BELIEVE YOU.

And I think it's not just that they do not, but they CAN NOT.

They
do
not
know
how

Your embrace of reality is the key in the lock.
Eventually, you will be free of the anger.
It will be like realizing a tiger cannot be a hippo.

And then you won't take it personally any more.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Just tacking on a connection that came to me, reading what Hops' wrote:

And then you won't take it personally any more.

I think - now - that this is the essence of "letting go". Nothin' fancy or complicated...no painful process... just not taking it all personally.

[Ami]

Thinking of you SS. Wondering how you are doing, today. Thank you for your friendship and wisdom. They mean so much to me. I am here for you in whatever ways I can.   Love  Ami