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Does anyone feel self-destructive after being with their N?

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OnlyMe:
I am having a delayed reaction to being with my Nmother this past week, and I thought I'd start a new topic to see if anyone else experiences the things that I do.  I'm having a bit of a crisis!!!

Life with my nMother is All or Nothing.  By that, I mean that each morning I would wake up and have to earn her love.  If I did anything  wrong, even if it wasn't wrong, but just didn't please her, she made me feel as though I were worthless.  When I would scream that I was not worthy to live, she never even batted an eye.  Well, all my life I have struggled with this, because, if I feel that somehow I have made a mistake, or whatever, I feel that the only alternative is to rid the earth of me.  

But, honestly, I am not crazy, it just feels that way. I, thank God, have enough sense that I try to reason why I am reacting that way, and I am still here.  But it seems as though my Nupbringing has left me with a short-circuit, and no coping skills for times when I perceive that I am not worthy of something or someone.  LOW Self esteem, I guess.

Example : Dad died in June (92) and I am left with nM who didn't grieve for one moment.  Then, she told me that I did not inherit anything from him, and I believed her.  Last month, when I visited her to help her with paperwork, we went to the lawyer and again, it was mentioned that I did not inherit one mug or even one of his paintbrushes (I am his only child, and am a bit of an artist, as was he).  Anyhow, to make a long story short, when I was filing copies of his Will to take to the bank next time I visited nM, I flipped it open to make sure I had the correct paperwork - and saw my name - my father had left me All his personal effects, which included his jewelry, paintings, and his war medals (he was  D-Day Vet, we're Canadian).   When I showed NM and asked her, she said "How am I supposed to remember everything?" and came into his room (they had separate bedrooms - gee, there's a surprise!) - opened his underwear drawer and with both hands, threw it all at me and said "Take This!".
All his personal effects have mysteriously disappeared in the past few months while he was in Long-term care, dying.  I was with him most of the time, and their house was never vandalized.   Hmmmm.   So, I am grieving the loss of my Dad, and the horrendous cruelty of my nM.

I am somewhat exhausted from it all, and yet, do not feel that I am worthy enough to take care of myself.  I am in remission from Cancer, so I know how important it is to stay well - I have fought hard to live.  Today, while sorting through a few of Dad's art supplies (I went back to their house and got them) I burned our dinner.  My first reaction was that I was too stupid to live.  My dear H is the kindest man on earth, but I know it hard when I go from peaceful to self-destructive in a flash.  I cried, screamed, and packed my bags, even though I had no where to go.  My NM had given me about 30 librium and I thought that might be the solution.  All the while, I am smart enought to know that this is wrong, a learned response, and it is a short-circuit reaction to the things I learned as a child with an all-or-nothing NMother.
I have calmed down.  Thank God I have a brain and know enough to stop and think things through....
but this self-destructive behaviour only rears its ugly head after I have spent time with my NMother!  She is Evil.  I thought I had escaped unscathed this last time, but unfortunately, my pain was only delayed.

Does anyone else manifest these symptoms of N abuse?  I'd appreciate some help to stop my reaction.  I want to survive this Cruel Old Woman and her Pain.

Thank you all, in advance.

Ellie:
Hi OnlyMe,

You probably will not like my response, but the only way to get better from the pain inflicted on you is to stay away from the one handing out the pain and hurt. You've got to get away and stay away.

I must have read this here recently, but N is like a contagious disease. If you stay around the contagious germs, they are likely to kill you. If you can gain an immunity against the disease, then you are safer, but not completely out of harm's way. If you get far, far away from the germs, they cannot harm you. Some Ns will try to follow you, just like really nasty germs. But not re-exposing yourself to the germs is the only way to protect yourself.

I am so sorry you are suffering so. I know that feeling - have experienced it many times in my life. But I am stronger now and know that I deserve to live - even though Nparents don't think so.

Maybe the rebel in me wants to thrive despite them! That's what has gotten me this far. I had a few years off from my rebellious nature while I was having children and a mother to young children. But now that they are growing up, I can nurture me again, and I found the rebel in me that was lying dormant.

bunny:
If you decide to continue seeing your mother, I suggest you develop Strategies and Plans. I'd make plans to prepare for seeing her, plans for ending the visit abruptly if necessary, and plans for how to take care of myself afterward. Without strategies and plans, you are basically in a very vulnerable situation. With them, you are more in control of the situation (though not in control of this toxic, sick mother).

bunny

ch:
As long as you choose to have a relationship with Npeople, you will always have to compromise yourself.  This would be a great sacrifice to your self esteem which needs alot of repair after enduring the N treatments.  I think you should cut your losses, and start to rebuild yourself.  Get rid of any guilt.

Anonymous:
Dear OnlyMe,

 :cry:

If you are feeling this way, then yes, you must limit your contact.  

Many of the stories posted here remind me of the fairy tale Snow White.  A couple of years ago, Disney retold the story with live action, including a round room lined with floor to ceiling mirrors for the NQueen.  When she asks, "Who's the fairest of them all?", the mirrors turn into several quicksilver Terminator 2 type images of the Queen leaning out from the wall saying, "you are you are you are you are".  It was really creepy!!

Anyway, back to you.  Your mother is the evil queen who is/was dethroned by you and she knows it.  The will is literally testimony to that.  What a slap in the face for Queenie to have all her H's personal effects left to you!  After he had the gall to die on her.  This might sound harsh and twisted, but she wants you dead and in a way you are dead to her.  Dead people don't come around to visit and take crap off people.  They haunt them.  

You are the queen now and she knows it.  Snow White came back to life and lived happily ever after (corny as it sounds) and you can too.  

I really agree with Bunny about planning.  Just recently I knew that we would be encountering my bizarre SIL at a public gathering.  By now, I knew what to expect.  My young daughter was going to be coming with me and I sat her down and told her what to expect.  She said she would follow my lead.  Without planning, I would have been trying to direct my daughter spontaneously while trying to navigate past my SIL.  All the way there I reminded myself of why this was necessary.  Afterwards, I gave myself more reminders to help me get rid of the twinge of guilt and sadness that it had to be this way.  I was also pleased it was only a twinge and that the planning spared my d a lot of awkwardness and embarrassment.  It was a victory through planning.  

If you must visit her, plan the work and work the plan.  Practice putting up an imaginary shield.  Practice robotic responses when she says hurtful things.  Practice your exit lines.  Practice your mantra for departure.  Remember that the staff has seen these scenes before, that they have had other Ns before.  Do not be embarrassed.  If you find the strength to slay this dragon, you will surprise yourself with your new self-esteem.  

If you have a therapist (sorry  :oops:  don't remember) schedule your appt for a day or two afterwards if that's when you need the support.  Sometimes our "heads go out" you know, like any other body part and it needs to rest to recover.  

I'm sort of recovering from some Nness in a different arena, so I'm wordy today.  Hope this helps, Seeker.

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