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Does anyone feel self-destructive after being with their N?

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Dawning:
OnlyMe,

Hi again.  I can really empathize because I, too, am my Nmother's only child.  Lucky us, eh?  :roll:  :x   The fact that we have no siblings makes these evil, selfish monsters even more difficult to deal with.  


--- Quote ---Life with my nMother is All or Nothing. By that, I mean that each morning I would wake up and have to earn her love. If I did anything wrong, even if it wasn't wrong, but just didn't please her, she made me feel as though I were worthless. When I would scream that I was not worthy to live, she never even batted an eye. Well, all my life I have struggled with this, because, if I feel that somehow I have made a mistake, or whatever, I feel that the only alternative is to rid the earth of me.
--- End quote ---


I used to think this way too.  Still do sometimes.  But its an old program.  Whoever told you (or insinuated) that making a mistake meant you had to be gotten rid of was manipulating you, scapegoating you and using you to compensate for their own fears of making mistakes.  You mustn't allow yourself to be used.  Balance it out - for every person like that (yes, even mother Ns) there is someone who is not like that.  That's your balance.  Don't give your mother the power that she wants because she will use it against you.  She's sick and irresponsible when it comes to you.  Mine is too.   :x


--- Quote ---and came into his room (they had separate bedrooms - gee, there's a surprise!) - opened his underwear drawer and with both hands, threw it all at me and said "Take This!".
--- End quote ---


Sounds family-iar.  If she does this crap again, smirk.  Try smirking.  I really feel for you.  You don't deserve her rage.  Please don't ever believe that you do.  You are not at her mercy anymore.  Now you know what she is doing.  


--- Quote ---Does anyone else manifest these symptoms of N abuse?
--- End quote ---


I am getting better at dealing with my mother's NPD and, with that, has come some lessening of my self-destructive behaviour.  But I also have a father N so, yes, I still have symptoms.  Step by step.  I remind myself that everyday, in everyway, I am getting better and better.


--- Quote ---My NM had given me about 30 librium and I thought that might be the solution. All the while, I am smart enought to know that this is wrong, a learned response, and it is a short-circuit reaction to the things I learned as a child with an all-or-nothing NMother.
--- End quote ---


Good for you, OnlyMe.  Keep those *smarts.*  You'll get far in life with them.

Love,
Dawning.

OnlyMe:
Thank you all for your ideas and suggestions - and for your Understanding, most of all!  It is so hard to keep up appearances everywhere in the real world, and it is so liberating to be able to tell the truth about how I feel, what I have been through, the emotional scars it has left, and the healing journey I am sharing with this group.
I appreciate your ideas - I'll get a Plan together for my next face-to-face with my Nm!  And my dear H is going to field the daily phone calls for me, for a few days, to give me a break from her voice.
My crisis has passed, and today is calm. Whew.  It would have taken much longer without this group as an outlet for my fears and frustrations.
Thank you Dr. G. for providing this place for us to meet.  As I have said before, it is a lifesaver, and I mean that literally.    
.javascript:emoticon(':D')
Very Happy

OnlyMe:
PS - I tried the Emoticons, but guess I don't quite have the knack - Oh Well, I'm smiling, and that is good!   :-)

Jenocidal:
I don't feel self destructive after being in my mother's company.  What does happen tho is that I become psychosomatically ill.

After being in her company for a few hours - I become physically drained, my stomach turns to knots, I get headaches, and my Crohn's disease symptoms start flaring up - even while in total remission from the illness.

Her very presence is toxic to me and to others as well.  I'm not the only one whom gets ill from her presence.

OnlyMe:
That is so interesting that you get sick.  So do I.  Very sick.
My H says he loses me for almost a week, because I start to get Headaches and tight muscle knots for a few days before I go to visit my Nm, and then when I get home, I have terrible stomach cramps, terrible headaches, want to cry, can't bear to be with anyone for a few days, and am just plain miserable.  I honestly wondered for a while if she was an evil spirit, because it was almost as if there was an evil spell around me!  
I had been diagnosed, years ago, with Fibromyalgia, complete with Iritable Bowel Syyndrome, but now I find that it isn't as bad as it used to be - ever since my drs figured out about my nM, and that it was her craziness that kept me in the 'fight or flight' mode all the time.  My muscles never got a chance to relax.  As I am learning about ways to cope with Nm, I am getting stronger, and these physical signs are getting much better.  I no longer need to live in 'fight or flight mode', every day.   However, yes, I always get sick after being with my nM, too.
They have a terrible power, completely disproportionate to their size!  :-)

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