very sad today

[sea storm]

When I stop being angry, I am left with such deep sadness about my relationship with my ex. I engulfs me and I cry and cry. It feels like i will never get over this break, never lose the images of him with other woman. Never forget the day I found out and he just laughed, while I felt like a piano had been dropped on me, never feel worthy of being loved by anyone again.

If I stop thinking he is a monster and think of him as a wounded child like the rest of us who is struggling and acting out because of his wounds I cant stand the pain.  When I think of how fragile my personality must be to collapse into a pile of rubble over the break up of this marriage I feel very inadequate. There are two schools of thought on Narcissists, one that says there is no labelling that respectfully can describe a person and still keep the poetry of their soul intact.  I am no angel and I was falling apart in that relationship. It did not build me up and I was being destroyed. Maybe I would be destroyed in ANY relationship.  I have friends and they think I am stable and my friendships last for years mostly.

I guess this has something to do with talking to him when he was getting me to pay our line of credit off.  He told me he felt joy everyday and that " it is a closely kept secret .... that  you are mentally ill". He said it again.  He said " Dont you say anything bad about my (new w). I wont hear of it".  I was not going to say anything about her.  But the fact that he was showing loyalty to her hit me hard.  He also said that " if I had stayed longer you would have murdered me".

I actually did not consider murdering him. If I had known what was going on I might have been murderously angry but I am not a killer.  Maybe that is it.  Maybe he has some convaluted way of expressing guilt. Instead of I am sorry, he says you would have murdered me.   Does this make sense to anyone.  It is like he surgically wanted to destroy every aspect of my life and he continues to want this revenge.  And I am still mooning over him.  What is WRONG with me?
He wrote a letter to the bank manager where I bank and have loans etc and it was so clever and manipulative. It was meant to really get me in trouble.  Very threatening. He slandered me with my employer and workmates. He convinced a few of them that I am really psycho I think. I dont really have hard evidence but I do know of one person that he told the most complicated lies too.  Amazing really. Very elaborate.

I think he is really enraged that he did not destroy me.  Like an idiot I let him know that I had put my life back together by putting a suite in the house.  Retaliation came shortly after.
If his plans would have worked I would be :
fired from my job
Arrested
lost my certification as a professional
my education would be for nothing
lost my house
my friends would think I was nuts
not able to retire for several more years
still paying off the hundred thousand I owe because of him
the psychologist who assessed me for work would think I was homocidal/suicidal

this is just so fantastic and horrible.  Even reading it, you probably think, "  Oh, where there is smoke, there is fire. She must be guilty of some of what he accuses her of".  Well, I am not guilty of any of it.  why on gods earth would he want to destroy me like this and still say he will love me until the day he dies.

See...... I am going through the blender again.  A few words, or a long novel of your wisdom would be greatly appreciated.  I cant even grieve this relationship decently because of all the lies, theft, slander etc.  I bet his new woman is convinced I am completey crazy.  this is the pattern.  His family believes his stories about me and they all shun me now. Eight years of relationship building down the drain.  i havent the heart to try to undue the damage.

I managed to go back to work, finish the year in good standing, put in a suite help pay my hugely increasedm mortgage, buy a little house as an investment, get over wanting to jump off a bridge, rebuild my broken relationship with my daughter, find three new friends in this funny little town, start drawing and painting again.  But sometimes I remember the lion who is so angry, who hides behind a wall of silence, who pretends that all is well and hides his guns ready for the day that peace ends. that image is from a song by Josh Groban called,"Weeping ". It reminds me of E.

Guard your hearts and tend them with love,

Sea storm

[Ami]

Dear Sea Storm
 I could be ALL wrong,but I hear that you still love(??)him. Maybe ,it is not love, but yearning,unfufilled old needs or s/thing appearing to be "love",but I have heard that for a long time in your stories about him.
 I don't blame you one bit. When s/one gives us tenderness when we have a heart parched by an N childhood, it has great power. Maybe, we never felt 'caring" like that before.
 When it blows up, we still think of the connection and we miss it. That is my thought on it. I hope I have not overstepped my bounds.          Warmly,  Ami

[sea storm]

Dear Ami,

That was very helpful and you have not overstepped any bounds.  IS this love?  It is true that I am very vulnerable to wanting my parched heart to be quenched.

Sea

[Gaining Strength]

this is just so fantastic and horrible.  Even reading it, you probably think, "  Oh, where there is smoke, there is fire. She must be guilty of some of what he accuses her of".  Well, I am not guilty of any of it.  why on gods earth would he want to destroy me like this and still say he will love me until the day he dies.

I know better.  N smoke has nothing to do with the fire - N smoke is ALL smoke and mirrors - the smoke comes from the N (where the real fire is) but is projected on to the N victim via mirrors.

What you are describing is textbook Nism and N victim reaction.  There is nothing wrong with you.  The up and down cycle unfortunately is part of the healing cycle.  Perhaps, when you look back you can see the cycles of pain getting shorter and the periods of peace and hope growing longer.  Put your faith into the healing.  I have always found it very helpful to use the analogy of healing from physical injury.  You would be more patient with yourself.

I hope you will get what you are looking for here.  I hope you find the support and encouragement you deserve.  What you have been through is horrible beyond belief and one of the things that makes it so hard to get past is that the N creates in us terrible self-doubt.

I actually did not see what Ami saw.  Rather than seeing a remnant of love for your exH is see the seesaw that I experience in letting go of my N mother.  I went through the same thing with my N father.  I think it has more to do with the indescribable frustration of the true hidden insanity of the N.

What you describe about the N is insane - what he said to you and did to you - that sabotage - is so much like what I have experienced with my parents.  I want someone to recognize how crazy it is but  I have for years been stuck in that feeling that if someone finally understands how crazy this is then suddenly it will all get sorted out.  It doesn't and that hope kept me stuck - that is what I read in your post - the hope that someone, (he) gets the insanity part.

[Ami]

Dear Sea,
   Love feels like the most wonderful, satisfying food and even if the person turns out to be a terrible dissapointment, we still miss the  connection.
 Sometimes ,I feel like I will sell my soul for a drop of love. It sounds terrible to say,but it is true.
 I wish peace and joy for your life, Sea Storm. You have written such profound posts to me,lately ,and I want to thank you for them.      Love   Ami

[sea storm]

Thank you Shame Slayer,

Knowing that you get the picture and know the feelings helps a lot.  Telling the story is so important. For you too. I have given up on telling my story to N and hoping he will care. He will do less than care. He will humiliate and squash me. Haivng someone understand and care how I feel does help. It takes doing it over and over until it loses its sting.

Like the phantom pain of amputation.

I go along ok and then whammo.  I am missing him and gioing over the things that happened and try to make sense of it. No one should still care after being beat of with a stick.  But this phantom love (obsession) keeps coming up and I feel it very strongly.  I dont want to be a masochist.

Sea

[sea storm]

Thank you Ami,

When you speak from your heart to me, I am so moved.  What a sweet soul you have.

Sea

[Gaining Strength]

Sea Storm - I have a suggestion that has helped me immensely.  I read it in a book by a psychiatrist Jeffry M. Schwartz.  his specialty is OCD and he comes to his work from his experience with Bhuddism and meditation in which a person can be observer of themselves.  His treatment consists of 4 basic steps:  the first is to acknowledge the feeling, 2nd to label it false (the love (obsession) with your exH, 3rd replace it with a true thought and 4th to move on.  You may have to repeat this process more than once but the key is to label the thoughts as false and replace them.

You don't love him nor do you miss him.  He is not the part that you fell in love with, he is the whole who is N.  You may miss the good part and hope or belief of what you at one time thought your relationship was or would be.  But it was not what you had hoped.  That is the "true" or "real" part.

My Cliff Notes version may not be helpful but this exercise continues to help me.

Thinking of you.  I have great sympathy and empathy for you.

[Hopalong]

I have given up on telling my story to N and hoping he will care.

Amid all the sadness, there is this huge, huge sign of growth.

Keep embracing reality, Sea, with all your might.
The more you do, the sooner you recognize that this is where self-love begins.

You deserve a greater kindness than the obsession.
When you feel that, a few minutes a day and then more and more until it's your steady state, your obsession will release.

You deserve greater kindness to yourself than your obsession can give.

I have been there, more than once. I promise, it will ease...and it will end.

love and comfort,
Hops

[dandylife]

Sea Storm,

I couldn't begin to imagine what you are feeling. It must be like a storm inside - the after affects of your world shifting under your feet.

I felt the world shift under me when my "boyfriend" at the time - after my divorce - I had been seeing him for some time and was of the understanding that he was separated from his wife but not divorced yet. Well, I found out months after his divorce was final - that he was really divorced from this woman - all was settled - she got the house and the kids -etc. I was clueless. MY NOW PARTNER told me about the divorce. Huh.

My world shifted.

I figured the only reason he wouldn't tell me is because he was still playing the field - sleeping with other people.

Yes. True.

The devastation is quite intense.

If you allow this person to continue to affect you, they will.

They will get inside and twist and wrench your heart.

Don't let it.

Realize that his issues are too deep for you to solve.

Let him pass.

Remain safe in solitude and gratefulness that you are in one piece.

(((Sea Storm)))

Dandylife

[CB123]

Hi Sea,

I'm so sorry you are still having to wrestle with these feelings.  They make me think of swinging pendulum, that might begin to swing wildly, but gradually slows, slows, slows, till it stops one day.

I remember when you first came on the board, there wasnt a day that went by that you didnt get mowed down by these memories.  You have come so far.

I wonder if they hit you particularly hard because they came out of the blue again?  Almost had a fresh feel, I suspect, when they are actually old and well-worn.  I don't think the pain will last as long this time.

I'll be thinking of you...

Love
CB

[Leah]

((((((( Sea Storm )))))))))

I am so sorry, and I truly do understand.

Love,

Leah

[Ami]

Thinking of you, Sea Storm. Wondering how you are doing, today.              Love   Ami