Insecurity

[Ami]

 I feel such a sense of needing to get the outside to confirm that I am OK. I think Psychology calls it external locus of control vs internal locus of control where your sense of self is defined by you, more fully.
 I have been there,but have lost it and it has been lost for many years.
 I can see that,now, and I am ready to get it back b/c my life seems too precarious w/out it, too shaky. Can anyone relate to this?       Ami

[LilyCat]

Absolutely. Not only have I needed it at times, but I have seen many group members over the years need it as well. It's called reality testing.

And sometimes they perhaps haven't even realized it, as I remember our therapist independently validating someone that they are ok.

Often, he'll say (excuse me, he's very blunt) "What's f----ed up about you is that you think you're f-----d up."

Hope that helps.

[Ami]

What is SO ironic  is that I said I would NEVER be insecure like my M and I am .She was always doubting herself, could not make decisions w/out painful vacillating, wanted to appear perfect, was very shamed about who she was, any foible. Guess what?*I* am like this.
For some reason, I am really seeing it now, clearly and I don't like it. It  hurts , feels awful, very nervous and tentative.             Ami

[Leah]

Hi Ami,

These may be helpful, insightful, to read up on - regarding Reality Testing: 

 http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=5816&cn=116

and

http://web4health.info/en/answers/psy-reality-testing.htm    Reality Testing & Reframing

Love, Leah

[Ami]

Thank you Leah and Lily
Just expressing these feelings really helped and I feel a little better.       Love   Ami

[Overcomer]

Am-you have not seemed insecure here lately.  In fact you seem to be putting up your dukes and waiting for a fight.  Do not let yourself fall into the pit if you can avoid it.  You are making huge strides forward.  Your M is not here-you are lucky she is FAR AWAY!  But as Lup Pointed out to me-we need to not take our mom with us in every thought and action-their hold on us is shrinking and we are climbing out!

[Ami]

Thanks for saying that, Kelly. I think because I have expressed my true feelings more, I can see myself better and I can see my insecurity. Before, I just accepted it.Now, I want to challenge it and let it go.      Love   Ami

[James]

Ami......Yes I can relate to this. My method to alleviate this is to understand what really happened in my childhood. To find my emotions as they really were and then I have a better picture of who my parents are and how I responded to their abuse. It is painful to see this reality, but this gives me a sense of who I was and I was never at fault or bad. They were terrible. Then I am able to find compassion for myself and my need to confirm with others, my self worth, begins to lessen. For me it was a matter of childhood illusions developed as a matter of survival but unfortunately they persisted in my adult life and gave me many problems. It's getting a lot better for me now, hope it does for you too. It is very very painful to abandon old illusions and takes time.........Love, James

[Hopalong]

James, hear hear:

I am able to find compassion for myself

Sometimes we jump to a huge universal love and speak and read about that and go on and on...when what we need to do first is experience compassion, not think about it. Just turn it around and shine it like a floodlight into our own chests. Find out what it feels like to receive it from ourselves.

Then all the rest, worldview, philosophy, whatever...makes sense, imo.

Hops

[Ami]

What you said, Hops and James was beautiful. Thank you.     Love   Ami

[LilyCat]

Ami, after reading your post about your mother -- you come by it honestly. No shame in that (or reason to be insecure.) Not only did you have that as a role model from her, she obviously wasn't able to give you what you needed to feel secure ... in many ways, I suspect.

You've got lots of great feedback from people here.

The great thing about insecurity is that you can learn to feel secure.

Peace,

LC