Trying to find help.

[October]

I went for a hospital appointment today, which I made with Dr B, my usual doctor.  I arrived in time for the 8.45 appointment, and at ten past was still sitting waiting.  Then the receptionist came over to where I was sitting and told me that the doctor I was waiting for hadn't arrived yet, and there might be a delay before my appointment.  She said she had told a social worker that I was there.  I waited a bit longer, but the anxiety got too bad, and the waiting room was nearly full by this time, and some other people had been called and I was still left sitting there, and it got too difficult.

I went to the desk, because I didn't want to just walk out, and I told the receptionist, who was really nice throughout, that I was too anxious from waiting, and from the number of people around, and that I needed to go home.  She called someone else, who offered to make me another appointment, but I declined.  I wanted to leave.  Then she said that Dr B was there, but I wasn't seeing him, because he was too busy.  I was seeing Dr S, who had not arrived.  

This made an impossible situation even more painful.  Too busy to see me means the same thing as me not being as important as the others he does see, and I get left with the one who doesn't turn up.  I apologised and said I had to go home.

Then I walked to my car, which was some distance away, and drove home, trying not to cry until I got indoors and almost succeeding, wondering why I ever try to reach out to other people, even doctors.  All the books say that I can get help, but all my experience shows that if you reach out all you get is hurt.  Doctors make me ill.

[Anika]

Something that you have to remember, dear, is that you do have a voice. You have the right to speak up for yourself even if it is to complain.

Why did you feel the need to apoligize? You were not the one who was late. You were not the one who messed up the schedule. Why did you apologize?

I don't think anyone would think ill of you if you told that receptionist that you didn't think you were being treated fairly as long as you did it in an acceptable manner:

"Maam, I have I had a scheduled appointment at 8:00 this morning and I have been here since 7:50. My doctor was the one running late, and in the mean time, I have sat here patiently as others who arrived after me were seen before me. Now after waiting for ove half an hour, you tell me that my doctor has finally arrived but is so far behind that he can no longer see me. Now you are asking me to wait for yet another doctor who has not arrived? I understand you are just doing your job, but this is extremely poor customer service on the part of your company and I refuse to sit here while other people go ahead of me any longer. Please go tell my doctor that I have been waiting for him since 7:50 and now that he is here he needs to see me immediately."

See? I recapped the situation in a tactful, but firm way and let them know both my displeasure with the service and my expectations. There is nothing wrong with that. This is how I usually handle unpleasent customer service situations. If it doesn't work then I ask to speak directly to a manager or supervisor. I have found that as long as I maintain a pleasent disposition, people are generally more willing to help me. When you start ranting it just creates a hostile environment. Likewise, if you take the "passive" approach people are more likely to walk all over you.

So, you get nervous when there are lots of people around? So do I. I rarely ever go out and when I do it is only for a few hours at a time. I never go to bars or clubs.

I have worked with many doctors in my lifetime so I understand exactly why it is that they get behind. I just go and expect a small wait...although your situation was quite excessive. When I know I'm going to have to wait, I take something to do. I am hyperactive so I need to occupy myself at all times or I get into mischief!  

I take a book or some sort of craft that is both small enough to carry and complicated enough to require my concentration to do accurately: Cross stitch, crochet, knitting, writing, etc.

Hey, writing may be a good idea for you. You can write about how you are feeling at the time. I have found that to be most helpful in my times of stress.

Listen, if there is anything I have learned in my life it's mind over matter! "If you don't mind, it don't matter!!"

Seriously, you are in control of you and you alone! You can't control what that doctor does or what that receptionist says or how many people are in that waiting room, but you can control how you respond to those kinds of situations. The human mind is a POWERFUL force! It is SO much more powerful than most of us realize. You just need to practice tapping into that power outlet and take control of your life!

Good luck to you!

[Tinkergirl]

hi october,

don't give up.  anika is right when she says you have all the control.  while your situation is maddening and unfair for sure, it isn't personal.  so please don't take it personally that doctors are switched, or that your appointments are rescheduled.  most importantly, don't stop reaching out to anyone...especially a doctor.  it is worth the process.  none of this is easy, and given our modern lifestyles there are sure to be more hassles to deal with in order to get good service, no matter what that service may be.  nothing is more important than your well-being, but you have to stay in control in order to acheive that well-being.

i had severe depression in my first pregnancy and was very scared to reach out to my OB because they were so 'busy'...but i finally realized that i had to take care of myself and got a referral.  i kept on reaching out and i'm so glad i did.

please don't give up...you are your best supporter!

[October]

Something that you have to remember, dear, is that you do have a voice. You have the right to speak up for yourself even if it is to complain.

Why did you feel the need to apoligize? You were not the one who was late. You were not the one who messed up the schedule. Why did you apologize?
....
.Seriously, you are in control of you and you alone! You can't control what that doctor does or what that receptionist says or how many people are in that waiting room, but you can control how you respond to those kinds of situations. The human mind is a POWERFUL force! It is SO much more powerful than most of us realize. You just need to practice tapping into that power outlet and take control of your life!

Good luck to you!

I always apologise when I get upset in public.  It is not good manners to display emotions where people can see them.     And although it is kind of true that we can control our emotions, there is a point where the emotions take over,  if they have been suppressed beyond the coping point.  Then they kind of spill over like a volcano or something.  I always have to leave if I get close to that, because I hate to be seen crying.

Thank you for all your kind words.  I really appreciate you not calling me a fool for being so daft.  I know I should be stronger, but all my strength has been kind of drained away over the past ten years or more.

However, minor miracle today.  Letter of apology from the hospital, and offer of another appointment, with the right doctor next week.  Never had an acknowledgement of anything before, let alone an apology, so this is very heartening.

Not sure whether to go or not, but probably will make it.

C

[October]

hi october,

don't give up.  anika is right when she says you have all the control.  while your situation is maddening and unfair for sure, it isn't personal.  so please don't take it personally that doctors are switched, or that your appointments are rescheduled.  most importantly, don't stop reaching out to anyone...especially a doctor.  it is worth the process.  none of this is easy, and given our modern lifestyles there are sure to be more hassles to deal with in order to get good service, no matter what that service may be.  nothing is more important than your well-being, but you have to stay in control in order to acheive that well-being.

i had severe depression in my first pregnancy and was very scared to reach out to my OB because they were so 'busy'...but i finally realized that i had to take care of myself and got a referral.  i kept on reaching out and i'm so glad i did.

please don't give up...you are your best supporter!

I know it isn't personal.  It happens to everyone.  But everyone has different limitations and abilities to cope.  I have always been very strong and able to cope with anything and everything, but that has gone now and I am very vulnerable to stress and rejection.  Impersonal, accidental rejection is no better than the other kind if it is coming from someone or something which is supposed to be offering me a route forward.  it just shows that they do not really understand what this kind of thing means to me, or to others like me.  

I can't give up, because I have a daughter, but I can stop trying to find a way to make it any better, because somehow it never does get any better.

Sorry.  Must try to be more cheerful.  But thank you for the kind words, and I know you are right.

On a happier note, took daughter for swimming lesson later on and she started swimming without floats for the first time.  Wonderful to see.  

[Anika]

I always apologise when I get upset in public. It is not good manners to display emotions where people can see them.  

Says who? When I see my b/f I am excited and I show it (and if he knows what's good for him he'd better do so as well!  ). When I am frustrated I let people know and it helps me to control myself: "You know, it really frustrates me that I have been waiting all this time and you don't even seem to care." See? That way she knows how I feel and how I preceive her actions. If you just get snippy with someone they may interpret it as you being a butthole and then they will not be as inclined to help you.

And although it is kind of true that we can control our emotions, there is a point where the emotions take over, if they have been suppressed beyond the coping point. Then they kind of spill over like a volcano or something. I always have to leave if I get close to that, because I hate to be seen crying.

Aaaaaah! I think I'm beginning to see the problem. Look at what you have written here: there is a point where the emotions take over, if they have been supressed beyond the point of coping and above where you wrote it is not good manners to show emotion in public.

Hmmmmm. I see some twisted thinking here. Do you? Do you see a direct relationship between the first sentence I quoted and the second?

Do you ever wonder why it is that other people don't seem to have this problem (the whole volcano thing)? Do you wonder how other people can balance the public display of emotions and not errupt? It's simple: it is NOT bad manners to show emotion in public. It IS bad manners to lose your temper and start screaming like a mad person, but there is no harm in expressing yourself wherever you are - so long as you do it appropriately.

Do not apologize for having feelings or for expressing them. Apologies are only necessary if you lose control of yourself. Instead of supressing your emotions and letting them build up until you can't control them anymore, allow them to surface where you can deal with them and be done with it.

It will be very difficult at first because you will be extremely uncomfortable with all these feelings and emotions. Sometimes they will come at very inopportune times and you will be tempted to sweep them under the carpet for later. Remember, there is nothing wrong with taking a deep breath and admitting that you are frustrated. I like the word frustrated or annoyed better than angry, pissed off, or mad because they get the point across in a less hostile manner.

[Anonymous]

[quote.

And although it is kind of true that we can control our emotions, there is a point where the emotions take over, if they have been suppressed beyond the coping point. Then they kind of spill over like a volcano or something. I always have to leave if I get close to that, because I hate to be seen crying.

Aaaaaah! I think I'm beginning to see the problem. Look at what you have written here: there is a point where the emotions take over, if they have been supressed beyond the point of coping and above where you wrote it is not good manners to show emotion in public.

Hmmmmm. I see some twisted thinking here. Do you? Do you see a direct relationship between the first sentence I quoted and the second?


Absolutely right.  That is the problem.  My feelings are not allowed, to the extent that I have lost touch with them, and they have to work very hard to achieve any kind of acknowledgement.

Conditioned response, I am afraid to say, in common with most of my emotionally repressed family, where emotion is at best ridiculed, and at worst punished.  Yes, I need to get past this and to a point where I share everyone else's human rights.  However, not there yet.

Huge problems from this suppression.  Did this for years to cope with the pain of alcoholic husband (now ex) and two angry families (his and mine) to the extent that my positive emotions became completely numb, and six or more years later they still are.  I have to pretend or assume the positive ones.  The negative ones still get through, if things are bad enough.

The most important thing I have taught my daughter is that her feelings are allowed, whatever they are.  And that she is valuable, not for what she does, but for who she is.  

Still awaiting a date for the beginning of therapy.  Last therapist left me 'severely traumatised', in words of my current doctor.  Not often that anyone manages to understand what is going on, as you have done.  Not the most difficult thing in the world, you would think, but it seems to be beyond the people I have seen to date.

Meanwhile life goes on, but I pay a high price for just surviving.

Thanks, Anika.  I appreciate your help and concern.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely right.  That is the problem.  My feelings are not allowed, to the extent that I have lost touch with them, and they have to work very hard to achieve any kind of acknowledgement.

Conditioned response, I am afraid to say, in common with most of my emotionally repressed family, where emotion is at best ridiculed, and at worst punished.  Yes, I need to get past this and to a point where I share everyone else's human rights.  However, not there yet.

Huge problems from this suppression.  Did this for years to cope with the pain of alcoholic husband (now ex) and two angry families (his and mine) to the extent that my positive emotions became completely numb, and six or more years later they still are.  I have to pretend or assume the positive ones.  The negative ones still get through, if things are bad enough.

The most important thing I have taught my daughter is that her feelings are allowed, whatever they are.  And that she is valuable, not for what she does, but for who she is.  

Still awaiting a date for the beginning of therapy.  Last therapist left me 'severely traumatised', in words of my current doctor.  Not often that anyone manages to understand what is going on, as you have done.  Not the most difficult thing in the world, you would think, but it seems to be beyond the people I have seen to date.

Meanwhile life goes on, but I pay a high price for just surviving.  Tried to visit a friend today, but he was out, even though I phoned twice in advance, yesterday and a few days ago.  Waited a while, but he didn't come.  Came home.  More of the same.  Can't be angry, because it was no-one's fault; he tried to ring but I had already left.  Better to stay home.

Thanks, Anika.  I appreciate your help and concern.[/quote]