My Spiritual Journey

[Ami]

Dear James
 I have many feelings,now. I told my M the truth I knew all my life, but could never utter.I told her that she was a monster. What else would you call it, even though it sounds harsh. The harsh thing was my living it,NOT my telling her the truth of what I lived.
 I realized that I always had to take care of her feelings.*I* had to lie about the truth b/c it would hurt her. .She had to be protected from feeling badly about herself at all costs.If I didn't protect her, I thought she would hurt me, I guess.
 I didn't protect her feelings this time. I told the truth.
 I feel really, really down b/c I see the truth of it,but I feel some hope that *I* was never the problem.I do have more empathy for myself. Thanks for asking,James.      Love  Ami

[James]

Ami.......Yes! quit protecting the parents and express your anger at the parents. You can, in time, work your way back to your infancy and know your past and set yourself free by seeing for yourself what happened. It's in the way you feel and act today but understanding has to take you all the way back home. Don't do drugs, meditation, religion, positive thinking or any thing else that shuts your feelings down. Trust them, they have your complete history without you knowing it. It is real that we can learn to understand what they are saying in context with our early past. If you keep them open you will learn to bring out and interpret body feelings into a language you can understand. Symptoms are nothing more than old body memories trying to let you know what happened. Don't shut your feelings down. Very intense pain and other feelings may occur let these happen. they are nothing more than how your child really felt back then. Its the repressed trauma/pain that your feeling not ones from today. This process, does lead to genuine and lasting healing. These are the ones that create symptoms in the present but they are the hidden reality of your childhood. You have not been conscious of this till now......Love, James

[Ami]

Oh James,
 YOU are the best! Thank you so much.           Love   Ami

[Overcomer]

Am-Identifying your anger and expressing it especially to the N is very uncomfortable!  We have never in our lives defied or stood up to them.  Then it is easy for them to label us as unstable.  So the problem person effectively turns us into the problem.  But stand firm and take the flack.  Eventually they will give up-it may take time but you will get there.  And your anger will subside a bit I think.

[Ami]

Thank you, Kelly!              Love  Ami

[Ami]

I went on a  spiritual journey as a result of this thread. I realized that I must see and face the truth,no matter HOW outlandish or unreal it seems. I had a big brrakthrough when I told my parents that they did not have a heart(empathy) for me and my M said,"Yes, you ARE right. We do not have the proper empathy."They let me stay with an abused man and never lifted a finger to help with the barest level of support(emotional).
  The saddest thing of all, but the truth,is that I had to become strong before they would respect me. You would think that you COULD be weak with parents. It is very  sad. I wish I knew it earlier. I have three N's who are beaten down, now. It is so ,so late in the game. I was almost destroyed by them, all ,and all of them, together.              Ami

[LilyCat]

Oh, but Ami, look how strong you are to have done what you've done.

I don't mean to take away from your feelings hurt and vulnerability and all, but to knock down three Ns -- wow! And confronting your mother like that -- wow, I could never do that. I am amazed that your mother admitted her culpability -- just because I think it's rare when people do it at that level (what she did).

That is sad about having to become strong. You should have been able to be a helpless, vulnerable child who was supported and protected. I read a passage in Alice Miller last week (early pages) that really hit home with me -- "what would you have done if I had come to you as a weak, vulerable child, helpless, and with needs" (to paraphrase). I thought of it when I read your post.

I resonated, too, because of what my pastoral counselor said Saturday about being called into the first meeting, and how I was vulnerable and there was no one there to speak up for me. It pushed a lot of buttons not just about the meeting, but about my home life.

And you are right. My regular therapist frequently says that you get more out of life by dealing with reality, no matter what it is or how painful. This is the approach he takes and I have to say, I think it's very true. Reality doesn't go away. That's why it's called reality.

So good for you, Ami, for living through the pain and getting strong and pursuing your wholeness. I am so sorry that you weren't protected when you should have been, and for all the other awful things that you've endured. I wish I could undo them for you.

((((((Ami)))))))

LilyCat

[Ami]

Thank you Lily
What we  missed as children of N's was the ability to protect ourselves. *I* did. I am just learning(re-learning) it, now. If people hurt me, I will fight back. That is what 'normal" people do.
 The sad part is learning it so,so,so late--bleh. I guess I should be proud that I backed down 3  N's(LOL)   Love   Ami

((((((((Lily))))))))))

[LilyCat]

It may be sad to learn them late (if you think it's late, I don't know how old you are), but you've learned them, and learning and growing at any age is a great thing. Not everyone does it. (Did I tell you about my sister?....lol)

[Ami]

Thanks ,Lily
 I know "where" I want to go. It is trusting and valueing myself. I was stripped of  general trust in myself and it has resulted in a very painful existence, as most of us,on the board, know.I am starting to call a spade a spade and truth has power and honesty,inherent in it.
 I want to feel the floor(stability) under my feet. Some days it seems more possible than others. Thanks for your wonderful posts, Lily.     Love    Ami