I am tired of feeling so much pain about the loss of the good parts of my partner. I loved him dearly. There was a lot that was really good except that he lied, cheated on me, swindled me, and slandered me to other people as if there were two character vying for dominance in him. The good guy and the psychopath. I dont care how he got that was anymore. Whether it is genetic or environmental. Both have plenty to support them. He had a story about a relative in the Indian Mutiny, the seige of something or other, who stole an officers uniform and so was not slaughtered with the regular soldiers, but spared and treated like royalty for years while ransom was arranged. Curiously, he was court-martialed when he got back to England because posing as an officer was considered unforgiveable. Better to off yourself than do that. Just the sort of swift self serving thing an N would do. Smart and I bet there was more to the story
I would like to be like the people who throw people who hurt them to the wolves. They just write em off. i think I have been programmed like someone in a cult to accept plenty of abuse along with the small portions of affection. I dont want to be that way anymore. Choosing to be with people who are capable of reciprocal relationships is a good start.
i am still doing battle with the thoughts that continually keep me sad and feeling terribly rejected. Also, I continue to try to make sense of things that happened. Like the will I found that did not say one word about me. This was found after he had been entreating me to include him in my will and leave him everything. My jaw just sort of dropped as I read it. Then there was the picture of the young woman dressed up as a cowgirl. Her back was to the camera and she was not wearing anything from the waist down. The woman turned out to be the daughter of the woman he went away with. How weird is that. I can't even fathom it. He says he is pleased to be a grandfather to her kids as her real father is a predator. I think there is a sea of secrets that I don't know about. This is such a weird feeling.
So much is written about the narcissist and how he can manipulate, unbalance and play his nearest and dearest. Especially, the nearest and dearest. I think it is powerful programming that is very, very hard to shake. The longer the relationship, the deeper the tentacles have wound around our psyches. There is not much information on how a reasonably healthy person can untangle this mess. I think it is very big stuff. I imagine programs where they validate the perceptions of survivors because they no longer trust themselves or what they see and hear and feel.
Going through the valuing and devaluing experience is damaging. The revenge that an ex seeks is boundless, ruthless and cunning. I feel left like a war victim on the side of the road and facing rebuilding at every level. As a survivor of this experience I dont even know how to talk about what happened because it was the equivalent of a car trick player using smoke and mirrors. I dont even know what was true and what was lies. I guess all lies.
I dont think I am a codependent anymore. I am not a passive masochist and still it happened. i am so ashamed and humiliated. I would like to get mad but I am not there yet. Nineteen months since separation. Last time I talked to him, he started on about my being mentally ill again and I remembered how he would harangue me about how disordered and psychotic I was whenever I would ask for him to help with work. He would say,"Oh here we go. You're having an episode". This is like some archaic attitude about mental illness. You are PSYCHOTIC! he would scream at me.
Months later I realize that I am remarkably sane after all the verbal battering. Even if I was psychotic, it would have been better to get me help than to scream at me, "YOu are mentally ill". I am sorry for the times I screamed at him. It is inexcusable. But I would do it again I am sure if I had to live with and support someone who would not life a finger to help.
His sense of entitlesment was huge. I guess just the fact that he was gracing me with his presence was enough in his mind.
I want to break this spell and believe that I do not warrant his deception and swindling. I am getting there slowly. I dont want it to ruin the rest of my life. that is progress, because I did not thing I could live through it. The last time he sent the letter saying that he was going to try to get on the title of the house again after I paid him out was the last straw. it caused so much stress and grief. Of course,he showed no empathy and I see that now. That is the worst of it. The eyes of the beast. No feeling for me. Or anyone.
Sea storm
