I was so wrong I thought I'd hear from somebody~~~~

[Izzy_*now*]

It made me think how hard it was all my life to find a therapist who would help me. I wasn't sure what was wrong! wasn't sure--Hell I didn't know!!!

I realize now it was because I researched my life over and over and back and forth and up and down, and around and around and repeated all that 1,000,000 times and realized where my dysfunctions (passed down from parents) lay.

When I took all this garbage to my therapist he is validating me in places I never thought.

He is also agreeing in the places where I felt I went wrong.

The hardest to take is that when I saw my daughter, at 5, and her 6th birthday when in the hospital and Rehab, it was for a 2 hour visit. She'd leave with whoever brought her, an hour's drive to and from and all was OK. But....

Then I asked my parents if they would leave her with me one day, and see if they could go over to mom's cousin's for dinner and then pick D up about 7:00. We had a great time and had dinner together and other patients talked to her and we watched cartoons and played basketball etc. and when time to go.........she just sobbed her little heart out for over 15 minutes. My heart broke as she sat on my knee and I talked to her and tried to calm her and make sense.

I tried this again when her sitter came to the City for Christmas shopping. D and I had the whole afternoon and dinner together and again she sobbed and sobbed when she had to leave. I stopped these visits as it was too hard on her and me.

Therapist said that was the wrong move. I even saw it myself as I told him.

My parents couldn't have gone to the cousins' for dinner every second weekend--they don't like each other that much (Ha!) . Parents could have gone to a restaurant and ate from 2:00 until 7:00-?????--same with sitter and the Xmas shopping.Expensive visits for me to cover for ¾ year.

It's all over and done with so I try to not find a solution, as I doubt there was one (not with my family.) but I made the choice without realizing it was a wrong one!
Izzy

[sKePTiKal]

It's OK, Izzy.

We all make mistakes. Some are bigger than others, true. But you're doing the right thing NOW and that's what matters. What you're doing is a very, very good thing and it's going to matter a LOT to you and your daughter.

[Hopalong]

Oh honey.
Izz, my parents so many times stepped back when they needed to fight for me.
And I don't know ANY parents who didn't make the wrong choice sometimes.

There was so little encouragement to be mother tigers. We were all taught to be "good" which often included accepting things that were unacceptable.

Your whole beautiful life you have fought for understanding and now you are achieving it.

One day you'll be able to tell your daughter about that terrible choice, and how you thought at the time you were protecting her. She is a woman now, making mother-mistakes of her own. She'll understand.

Nobody's perfect. NOBODY.

Love and forgiveness for you to give YOU...

Hops

[debkor]

Iz,

You had a huge impact on your life... your life was changed...when were you ever dependant on people? You had trauma that made you dependant on people for awhile...you were a single parent in a rehab trying to recover to get home to your daugther...you wanted stability for her..you didn't want to see her so upset, cry, and with good intentions wanted to spare her the separation trauma each time she came and had to leave....out of love for her.....

Iz cut yourself a break here...look what you had been through...and still..was holding your own....thinking rational trying to figure things out Iz...responsible Iz, injured and all....always thinking of your D and what is best for her

Answer me something Izzy.... when did you ever get to become hysterical, tired, stop thinking and have someone take care of you... emotionally?..... Cause I know you thought of your daughters emotions.. just by what you wrote.......so it was the wrong move.. but with the right thing in mind...to save her from heartache...not to remove her over and over from you...to break her little heart again..because she did not understand......you just wanted to spare her pain.......you thought you were helping her..

Who was helping you...and her.....come through this...... Did you have help, Iz? 

Forgive yourself Iz... you thought at the time it was the right thing, the loving thing to do... the unselfish thing...to spare her the pain ...Don't ya think? 


Love
Deb

[Izzy_*now*]

Thank you PR, Hops and Deb

...for understanding why I did what I did. When I thiink on it more, I had no other choice. to leave D with me for a day would have meant 2 return trips about 4 hours out of someone else's day to bring her down, leave her, go home, then come back for her and take her back to the sitter. I cannot see my ever imposing on anyone that way!

Perhaps there was someone who wouldn't have minded but I don't know who that would have been, so I did what I did.....

Answer me something Izzy.... when did you ever get to become hysterical, tired, stop thinking and have someone take care of you... emotionally?.....

I never did, Deb, and No, no one ever spoke of always being there emotionally for me, being supportive. I, my disability, was like the elephant in the living room.

You are right Deb, that's what I did, tried to spare her pain. Others in Rehab felt so badly for me those two times when D didn't want to leave me.


Thank you all for the feedback! I love you
Izzy

[axa]

Izzy,

I find as I get older I rerun old "tapes" of my relationship with my son and have many regrets.  I find moving from that place very difficult.  His life has not turned out how I would have wanted it for him and I feel a lot of guilt about that but I am learning that, for me, there is something old and familiar about going to the place of beating myself up.  I try and accept his decisions, support him and have compassion for myself as well as him.  The compassion for myself I find very difficult.

Just how it is for me!

axa

[Certain Hope]

Iz,

When you say that you thought you'd hear from somebody...

do you mean that you thought somebody'd step up to the plate and offer to bring your daughter for more regular visits?

((((((Izzy))))))  you did the absolute very best that you could do, at the time.

You made the very, very difficult decision which you thought was the best and most loving thing to do.

I bet that you could not even imagine, at that time, what the future might hold for you and your daughter...
and, at some level, maybe you weren't sure whether you'd ever be able to be available for her again.
I've wondered that about my own children, in the past... even though I've never been through anything near as traumatic as you.
It's just part of facing the impossible, I feel.

I'm so sorry that no one stepped forward for you and her.

Love,
Carolyn

[lighter]

I think one of our jobs, as parents, is to limit the amount of duress our children suffer.

I don't see your choice as wrong....

I see it as a choice with pro's and con's.

There may have been more pro's in continuing the visits but.....

it wasn't wrong to identify your child's struggle and take steps to relieve it.

It just cost too much, (((Izz.)))

Lighter

[changing]

My Darling Izzy-

You did not make a wrong or unloving choice- you had little choice to make and did what you could- there was no perfect answer in the situation that you found yourself in. The terrible things that you have gone through, the losses you have suffered...of course you would not want you child to suffer as a result, but only  wanted to bear things yourself. But life is not perfect. That you did not have what you would have wanted for your daughter in that disastrous situation was not your choice or mistake... that you were so heroic in creating a good life for both of you out of the ashes was nothing short of miraculous. I think that anyone would count themselves blessed to have such a loving and caring and capable mother and your lovely and accomplished daughter is proof of this.

I agree with my esteemed friend and counselor Lighter on this- You have done so well, and your daughter is blessed.

In Admiration,

Changing

[lighter]

I think you're right about one thing, changing......

There were no PERFECT choices to be made.

Lighter

[Izzy_*now*]

hi axa, Carolyn, lighter and changing,

Thank you all for your precious responses.

Axa, I am not beating myself up. I have accepted that I had no other choice, but I am with this new therapist and I want him to let me know which choices had an affect on my daughter and me (in all likelihood)

Carolyn, No I never expected anyone else to enter this picture. You see, I can validate that the people I have chosen as toxic to me are over on the other side of the fence. Whatever they did or didn't do in this year long (and 38 years later) escapade will be settled in my mind as good or not good for my daughter and me.

lighter, How nice to see you back. you must be busy. Thank you for chiming in. I didn't see then what was best for her, and that would have been to see her more often that she wouldn't cry when she had to leave me, but there was no one, as Carolyn said, who stepped up to the plate. So I had 2 hours every two weeks and felt I was 'losing' her/my status as mother.

changing Welcome back to this crazy world. You are right that I had little choice and these are the "sh*t happens" part of life.

I want these few visits with this therapist to help me recognize the good and not so good choices I was stuck with and the likely result---is it the same as what happened.

Thanks again
Love
Izzy

Thanks again lighter and changing-----no perfect choices.--but I want my earthly answers from someone who appears to understand.

Iz

[Certain Hope]

Carolyn, No I never expected anyone else to enter this picture. You see, I can validate that the people I have chosen as toxic to me are over on the other side of the fence. Whatever they did or didn't do in this year long (and 38 years later) escapade will be settled in my mind as good or not good for my daughter and me.

Okay, Iz.  It was the "I thought I'd hear from somebody" part that I didn't understand.

It's pretty cool, really... getting to pick a designated "authority"/parent figure, somebody with whom you feel comfortable, to help put some of this stuff to rest.
I really like the study guide material he's given you... the stuff you shared on the other thread.
It's helped me alot, too.

Love,
Carolyn

[lighter]

You're right, Izzy.

The best choice was to see your dd more often, with the support and help of your family.

I'm so sorry it wasn't available to you.

Lighter

[Izzy_*now*]

Thanks Carolyn and lighter

Doesn't it just mess with your mind to think of a family not acting like a family? That was all I ever wanted. I used to invite myself to their places and never knew I was likely unwelcome.

My 3 sisters were married in 1956, 1957, and 1962 and talking seemed to cease.

I left Joe in '66 and my brother included me on his dates with Sandi. I felt like an imposter, imposer and I have no doubt she felt that, from her attitude. They married in 1967

I was and still am, single and 'crazy'.

I'm really OK

Love
Izzy