Got a new insight on perfection

[Gaining Strength]

I learned when I was in college that my father was a perfectionist and that I had "inherited" some of those tendencies.  I remember the joy I felt when a family friend who was a psychiatrist told that to me.  I feld myself so empty that to know that I was a perfectionist even though I didn't do anything well was a happy secret I would keep.  I kept it a secret because I didn't want anyone to laugh and make fun of me and point out the arguments about why that wasn't so.

I was working EFT on a memory and got flooded with others, shame driven.  In this memory I got a notice in from the IRS about a problem with my taxes for previous years - years that my father had done the taxes but had not discussed them with me.  I did not know what to do with the notice.  I experienced severe shame and was traumatized and paralyzed.  When I got the courage and shared it with my husband (we were in our early 20s) he shut the door emotionally and shamed me more - he backed out and refused to help me figure out what to do and turned the tables and shamed and blamed me.  What the EFT showed me was that his reaction confirmed in me what my father had already projected.  I had nowhere to turn and was in extreme pain, shame and fear.  I went underground - for a simple problem with simple solutions - but I had no where to turn and was profoundly shamed about something that I could not have prevented and with the shame could not effectively deal with.

Had my husband cared and had some compassion it would have been life changing.  I chose him because I needed someone to help me deal with the shame and despair I was living with because of what I had experienced with my family.  What I got from him was more of the same.  By the end of the marriage I no longer functioned and was full of rage and hopelessness.

Perfection - because I was not perfect - when I had problems I could hear in my own mind all the arguments about why I deserved the problems and the reasons had to do with the lack of perfection.  That is a double bind.  If I deserved problems because I was not perfect then there was no way out.

[cats paw]

Hi SS,

  Double binds are so tough!

  What a crushing disappointment that must have been to have your husband turn his back on you, so the rage and hopelessness
  are easy to understand.

  I skimmed the book review on your other thread.  Does what you're writing about in this one tie into that?

  How did the IRS stuff finally get resolved?  Did you finally get practical help from anyone, if not support?

cats paw

[Gaining Strength]

The book review gave me insight into language that helps me describe my experience to myself. 

For sometime I thought I had experienced trauma but it was not "an" event.  When I first read about EFT I was interested but had a hard time getting anywhere because there was never "an" event.  The book excerpts refer to "small T" traumas and somewhere EFT uses a "bundling" technique. 

All of my life it was so hard for me to understand that something dark had happened to me because there was nothing BIG.  What could have happened to me?  I could not figure it out.  So getting the acknowledgement that "small T traumas" can result in significant pain and disfunction allows me to dig deeper.

The answer to the IRS stuff was that I went to H&R Block and got it taken care of but that was a bandaid.  For many years I have had very, very great difficulties getting my taxes prepared and paid.  I am currently struggling with a series of back taxes and other financial issues and legal issues.

What I have not gotten to but hope to tonight (we'll see) is why I was so profoundly shamed when I got the IRS notice.  Why didn't I just see it for what it was - a series of mistakes that my father had made and simple ones to correct and get on with it.  Something severe had already happened that made it clear on a completely (and still) unconscious level to let me know that my father would not be there for me and would hold me responsible and would not help me but would "accuse" me - no where to hide.

No practical help - no support - too ashamed to look.  Husband had already confirmed my shame - couldn't take on any more shaming.

The "perfect" stuff means that if I have made ANY mistakes that I deserve the shame.  That is WAY too much pain to bear.

[cats paw]

  You went to H&R Block.  Doesn't that mean you did seek the help you needed, and that the adult you was functioning?

   As far as an emotional bandaid, I can see it, yet from what you said, you were there for yourself practically.

   Another thought - are you in any way perfectionistically setting yourself up by hoping that you'll get to why, as in once and for all why, you felt so profoudly shamed, tonight ?   Not that you can't get blinding insights, I know I have gotten a lot of A-HA !'s when I've journaled.   

   I'm glad that you see about the "small T's", and that the EFT is something you find helpful.

   As has been discussed, we often do to ourselves what was done to us, and we need to unlearn that.

   It must feel overwhelming, practically and emotionally, to have the financial, tax, and legal issues.  I'm struggling now in getting the last parts of my mom's estate completed.  I'm getting a bit angry at myself, but it's a good anger, more of a galvanizing force.  I want things out of my hair.  There are many other things I need and want to do, but I can't do those overnight.

   Insights are so important, but "insighting"  can be so seductive !  A paradox, for sure.

   As a matter of fact, I've frittered away most of my day.  So, what say you, GS ?  Shall we go for it again?  Are there any tasks that we can do "together" tonight?  Or pick an amount of time that we'll alot to a task?  Again, no pressure.

cats paw

[Juno]

So, perfectionism is actually a way we can punish ourselves?  I think that is how perfectionism has played out in my life.  Also, if something can't be perfected, then don't try it at all, then there is no failure.  That is another theme behind it for myself I think.  Maybe in my husband, too.

[cats paw]

  So if there's no failure, there's no shame either.

  I just thought of something- the 80/20 rule.  I need to apply it more often, and then I would be more freed up to accomplish
  those things that need, or eventually need, 100%.

  Heck, even the 5/95 rule.  Anything to overcome the quicksand.

[Gaining Strength]

So if there's no failure, there's no shame either.

yeah - that's it.  the 80/20 rule (or 95/5) never worked for me for reasons that I am just now beginning to understand.  That's what I have been writing about - trying to uncover it.  I'm so close. But even the 5% would trigger the original shaming/paralysis.  That's the problem for me - getting paralyzed by the shaming triggers.  That's what I have to heal.

[sKePTiKal]

Here's a wild thought - and it just came to me... maybe has absolutely NO merit to it...

but perhaps your Dad was a perfectionist and experienced a traumatic experience that humiliated/shamed him... and anything that reminded him of it brought up the emotion that he couldn't face....

... and so he looked for somewhere; someone to push it to. FOR NO REASON other than, he couldn't accept/face it...

and so you became programmed to feel this emotion for any type of mistake.

I fell last year in a parking lot; I was upset and distracted when I tripped over a minor crack in the pavement & wiped out both knees; tore my pants; was bleeding...

... and I heard a faint echo in my head that it was all my fault for being such a klutz... but I "shut it off"; ignored it...
and received LOTS of attention, sympathy and caring from people. The expectation of abuse for an accident was shattered (albeit at the expense of my knees...) that day.

EDIT: and I no longer feel "stupid" or "klutzy" when I have these kinds of accidents.

[Gaining Strength]

You hit the nail on the head about my father.  He projected all of his shame onto me.

That shift when you fell last year is huge to me.  It is exactly that type of shift that I am looking for.

[Overcomer]

I understand this perfectionism.  I have seen it in me and others as well.  This friend of mine knows in her mind how everything SHOULD be but since the thought of doing it to that degree is so overwhelming, she doesn't even try.  I do not know if she feels shame over it, I would.  I understand this.  Wouldn't it be better for us all if we could do just a little bit and feel good about THAT accomplishment>>

[Gaining Strength]

I got a breakthrough last night/this morning.  It is all too new to get a handle on.  The perfectionism/criticism that came relentlessly from my father/family is loosening its grip and I am able to talk back to it for the first time. Until today it would bombard me fo fast and from every direction so that I would completely shut down.

Let me give a for instance - I was cleaning in my bathroom this morning (hooray!!) and the voices began to bombard they were so many and about so much they were from today and yesterday and from years ago. "Criticize" is way too benign a term but it is all I have. 

I am cleaning and the voice comes and criticizes me for letting things get this bad; for being a lout, for deserving what I get, for allowing things to slip behind, for spending money on a cat toy and cat bed that they didn't want, for wanting to get rid of them but the waste is too great - should give them away - don't throw away - don't clog the land fill - give away - but they are dirty - frozen- unable to move them - paralyzed!!!  What a waste!  If I hadn't misspent that money -------- and on and on.  Today - I just said - whoa - that is not my voice - that is his voice and I won't listen any more.  It is working. 

For the first time - maybe ever - I am not overwhelmed by what lies before me.  Finally, I can handle - step at a time.  That feels so good.  Thanks everyone - thanks for listening and thanks for your support.  There is a long way to go but this break is a major first step.  It is life giving.  Thanks for letting me connect here - it has meant so much - beyond words.

[Juno]

Yay, SS!!!!!!!  This is a great step forward!

[sKePTiKal]

Just remember - this, too, takes practice to master! It is NOT a problem, NOT a reflection on you and your worth... that mastering it takes time. It takes time for everyone. Children with real parents learn this almost by osmosis. Because we are adults - some things are harder and the learning curve can be lots shorter... I'm sure there are other differences, but those are the only two I can think of.

I know I started by "talking back" after the fact... after I'd beat myself up, and listened to the old tapes... and then, only gradually did I gain the confidence to try ignoring the old harangue... once I did learn to just ignore it (as if it were some unpleasant conversation in the background) many other things began changing... and I was on the downside of the learning curve...

HOORAY for a victory! It's only the first of many, I think.

[Gaining Strength]

More dreams - a whole series of them last night - more understanding - more breakthroughs.

This may be hard to understand.  I am writing in part in order to get it down in words and out into my consciousness so I can make the changes I long to make.

1) A lovely girl/woman, a former tennis champion.  She was struggling with life - stuck - frustrated - isolating b/c people couldn't/wouldn't understand.  We met and were going to take a small weekend trip.  She got word that her father/coach was coming to town and expected to see her.  She became agitated.  Her father had her "best interest" at heart as long as she was working toward getting better and better at tennis.  She is so lost and so frustrated because she does not know who she is.  In truth she is subconsciously aware that her father see her as a tool for his own achievement and is incapable of recognizing that she as an individual has needs and desires of her own.  She has completely lost touch with her own desires and that is why she has isolated.  She may want to persue tennis but she does not know.

2) Same girl/woman, different scene.  MY father is coming and now I am agitated.  He arrives and I must put my foot in a box and wear this box that is something like a cement or plaster of paris block.  She asks me what I am doing and I explain that when my father comes I have to wear this block on my foot. He requires it.

3) Completely different scene.  I am going somewhere and my former husband appears.  It is a burden.  He has things for me to do and my whole purpose is now diverted.  We are on a sidewalk and his pants are ripped and he becomes exposed.  The scene immediately switches to the wall along the sidewalk.  It is a beautiful wall enclosing a gorgeous old home.  I am putting blocks back on the wall and replacing some beautiful crafted iron pieces that go along the top.

4) This one I was able to analyze and unlock an important point  - I was exiting off the interstate.  The exit was into a depressed part of town outside of the city limits.  There were two ways to the main road.  One was a block off the main route and the other was two blocks off.  The further off the more dangerous.  The dream ends as I sit in the car trying to decide which way to go.  I am leaning on taking the route further off the main road.  The key to this dream is not so much in the images as in the emotional stuff going on. I was so surprised that I could not let go of this little dream but as I worked it out this is what I found.  The interstate was the way to go.  It was the way my childhood friends took.  It lead to the place I wanted to end up, but I could not see that then.  The exit was dangerous but I thought (more unconscious than conscious) that it was the way to "reality". I thought that danger and poverty lead to some greater reality than what I had experienced.   I knew that even though I enjoyed the good things that money could buy that there was some kind of a vacuousness that sent me off the path, that sent me off the interstate.  But the path I was taking would not send me where I wanted to go.  It was only full of danger and full of pain.  The problem was not the interstate the problem was something totally different and I had chosen the wrong path trying to compensate for the emptiness.  The thing I needed to do was to set my sights on something and work for it.  To set my sight on a destination rather than going down a path just to see what I might run into.  I was running away from and that was the mistake.  I needed to set my sights and run TO something.   


EFT is helping.  It addresses "psychological reversal" in which the unconscious is holding you back from letting go of a wound.  It also deals with "aspects" in which a person thinks they are dealing with ONE thing but they are really jumping around from one related issue to another and so not putting the full force of their attention where it must go. 

Both of these are problems for me.  When I am trying to clean I will bump into another issue and cannot stay on track.  For instance, I am washing dishes and time to put them away but the cabinets are a wreck - no room - much disorder - I get stuck.  Or something needs special attention - I get stuck.  It is not as simple as I have put it down because there are severe psychological issues attached to each of these distractions/barriers.  Many of these issues have aspects of perfectionism involved and all of my perfectionism is due to abusive, crushing criticism.

I heard something in NPR this morning.  I don't even know what program  but an author was being interviewed about his new book.  He was writing from a personal childhood experience and used his imagination to write about some men who had had a conflict as youths reencountered one another as adults. In the story the perp was visiting  his war wounded son and meets the life-giving therapist who has helped the son - guess who the physical therapist is?  Right - the person the father had beaten as a youth.  Well back to my point - the author makes that point that the men he has studied who were able to get past the emotional pain of their childhood - whether guilt for things done wrong or anger for pain received - are the ones who are able to succeed.  Those who are not able to shed are the ones who struggle life long.  I think no truer words were ever written.  Those who are able to get past their pain can do it through true healing or by suppressing their pain and the second for only leads to more pain for those they encounter.  No question that Ns fall into this second catagory.

I am moving into a place where I can push through this paralysis that has stuck me for so many years.  I have been longing to get here and am very, very thankful.