My mother - a window into disfunction

[ann3]

Cats Paw,
I love your image of untying knots.  Maybe if you untie enough of them, you might feel less sad?

SS,
So glad my words resonated & reaffirmed.  Maybe you feel validated?  I know I feel awash in good feelings when I’m validated.  I never knew what validation was until I started investigating Nism.

So happy you felt a burden lifted off your chest.  Perhaps the issue of ‘unappreciativeness’ is something for you to check out further since it really hit home. 

Yes, until we become enlightened to the N’s game, we feel cannot defend against a charge of unappreciativeness and that’s one of the reasons why they accuse us of it:  How can you prove you do appreciate when the other person says you don’t?  One way is to do more & more for them, give more & more to them, until there’s nothing left of us.  Once we realize there’s nothing left of us, we hopefully say to ourselves ‘hey, wait a minute, there’s something wrong here’ and then, we may eventually conclude that the person, who always accuses us of being unappreciative, may be an N or some other type of disordered person.   That’s when we start on our road towards healing, which inevitably leads us away from the N.  We move away from the N by developing strong boundaries, emotional shielding and perhaps no contact.

Little did I know that the problem was not the recipients of the notes but those people sitting right there in the room.

Exactly!  In this sentence, you are decribing the effects of NPs & becoming conscious that certain people (like parents) are Ns:  Your NPs made you feel unappreciative, so you thought other people (ex: the gift givers) also viewed you as unappreciative.  You carried your NPs' faulty projection thru out your life.  Your NPs’ projection that you are unappreciative always made you feel paralyzed.  But eventually, you saw that your NPs were projecting their junk (that you are unappreciative) onto you and now you have set yourself free of their projection.

Right:  The projection that you are unappreciative is one of many negative projections (many of which were covert & nonverbal) that your NPs have projected on you.  Perhaps make a list of all the negative projections that your NPs have projected on you?  What’s so great is that now YOU see & can identify all the negative projections that your NPs have projected on you and you can ditch them because NOW YOU KNOW the projections are not true, they are not you.  The projections belong to our NPs, not us.

That would have undone their empire.  But the gripping power and control they had over me was that I FELT the accusation in my soul.  And I have lived with that feeling all my life.  I have lived with this and other "false" accusations.
Yup.  You would have undone their empire if you threw off their projections.  Yup:  They controlled you with their projections.

So she is in complete denial as to why she directs such hatred towards me.
Yup:  Those who project are unconscious of their projections.

SS, suggest you re-read Dr. G’s article Voicelessness: Narcissism  http://www.voicelessness.com/narcissism.html: 
Narcissists use everyone around them to keep themselves inflated.  Often they find flaws in others and criticize them fiercely, for this further distinguishes them from those who are defective.  Children are ready targets:  narcissists consider children flawed and lacking, and therefore most in need of severe "teaching" and correction.  This negative picture of children is a sad projection of how the narcissist truly feels about his or her inner self before the self-inflation began.  But the narcissist never recognizes this:   they consider their harsh, controlling parenting magnanimous and in the child's best interest.
Yup:  Read it & weep, I know I did.

Whew - isn't that the truth.  So much in this stuff about being unappreciative.  I am so astonished at how much you unpacked out of this tiny phrase.  Boy it sure helps me get to more of the pain underneath this.  I had no idea how much was underneath it.  I only knew that I woke up in excruciating pain today and that it was directly related to my experience with my mother yesterday.  This post really helped me unearth it.  Thanks.

My dear SS, thank you for you kind words, glad to help.  I know it hurts so bad, but, IMO, I think it could help you if you were to examine this whole issue of being ‘unappreciative’, sounds like this may be a big key which could unlock a huge door.

SS, listen to your body:  if dealing with your mom is causing you physical pain, then IMO, steer clear of her for a couple of days.  I know she's infirm, but, she has a care taker & sounds like you need a bit of a break.  Perhaps I am projecting my experiences of damage caused to me by trying to be the dutiful daughter caring for NM, who also had a caretaker.  SS:  Save yourself; NM has a caretaker & she will be fine.  Give yourself a break from her.  Don't let her suck the life out of you.  Your NM is an N, so you are N supply.

In any case, WOW!!, you are doing sooo well, getting stronger every day, seeing the truth, eventho the truth hurts, but, feeling stronger because you see the truth and you know it's the truth because it feels reaffirming in your mind, body & soul.

LotsOLove to you,
ann

[Gaining Strength]

we feel cannot defend against a charge of unappreciativeness and that’s one of the reasons why they accuse us of it:  How can you prove you do appreciate when the other person says you don’t?  One way is to do more & more for them, give more & more to them, until there’s nothing left of us.

Again, you have given me a powerful image that will forever change my understanding.  These words are a prefect description of what happened and perfect armour against the "charge" of being unappreciative. 

Now when I feel that accusation I will be wise enough to understand that there is NO defense against that charge.  And further - I will immediately know that the "gift" whatever it may be was not given without strings, was not given unconditionally.  AND THAT is key in the accusation against an N parent.  Because loving parents give unconditionally - not every time nor everything but in their heart they do not hold a grudge against a child b/c the child is "unappreciative" at most they would feel sorrow - not anger.

The other point about that charge is that it demonstrates that the giver gave NOT to please the recipient but to please themselves so they would be thought of as GOOD.

This opens up a whole issue that I have thought of for years concerning philathropy and the reason people give.  I think of most gifts (especially ones that put a givers name on something) as payoffs and purchases.  I give $2M to my university and they name a wing of the library for me - gift or purchase.  I argue purchase and that is what my parents have always done - tried to purchase something I could not/would not give them. 

[ann3]

Absolutely:  giving with strings:  Do we give to please the recipient (unconditional) or to please ourselves (conditional). 

Now when I feel that accusation I will be wise enough to understand that there is NO defense against that charge.
Yes, questioning the motivation of someone who presses us to prove our feelings.  Maybe something like this:  'Yes, I am appreciative and I have told you that and I tried to demonstrate my appreciation in deeds.  What more can I do?  Why do you feel/believe that I am unappreciative?'
Then, we listen to their answer and decide if their charge of unappreciativeness is understandable or a projection or the manifestation of N entitlement.