Clarity

[axa]

Sometimes I get a sad, sometimes I feel alone but mostly I feel pretty content.  This I believe is a combination of the work I have been doing on myself, support from here and being engaged in work/study which I find completely fascinating.  I am never bored, which for me is a big thing.  Recently I was sitting writing in my room when I realised that I felt very happy.  I knew this in some ways but it still took me by surprise.  I explored what contributed to this and I think a significant element is that when I work I do not have contact with anyone else.  I can get on with things, go off track but I connect with my responsibiity around the work which nobody (or myself with the other) can sabotage.  I don't feel afraid.  I feel safe. 

This led me to thinking about how fearful I am around other people, even though most people would see me as an extrovert!  I love engaging and laughing, having discussions etc but I have no understanding of boundaries around other humans.  My discipline disappears.  I find it so difficult to engage for a while and go back to work.  I want ALL the engagement, I can never have enough.

And so this led me to thinking about relationships. Part of my happiness when I am working is because I have contact with myself.  I feel whole, I love the part of me that is trying to understand new concepts, is willing to risk venturing into unknown disciplines, produces work I am proud of.  I am very connected witih myself.  Give me a relationship and I stick me on the altar with a note pinned to my chest saying "Take me, Abuse me, just love me"  I absolutly abandon myself.  I have no boundaries, I become passive and lose my voice which in time turns to resentment and anger.  I have come to the conclusion that I have no idea how to hold onto myself in a relationship with another.  I want a symboitic relationship so badly that I give off the message that I will merge with the other in order for them to stay with me.  Needless to say that is N heaven!  This insight has helped me see myself in a new way.  I now know that my joy and happiness comes from my own work.  I do not understand nor can I participate in a relationship without sacrificing myself, which will lead to pain and loss for me.  I see myself so much as part of the problem now. 

This leaves me with choices.  I know happiness but at a cost of being alone or do I take the route of relationship which can be full of joy for a short time but will evolve into an abusive relationship.  Knowing what I know, maybe the latter can be worked on but I need to consider am I willing to risk myself for the short term fix of a bit of "love".  How i wish I had known this years ago, I could have saved myself much pain. 

I dont have a lot of time to come to the board at present but will be back here more regularily in October.  I just wanted to share this with you all and would be interesed in hearing what you have to say.

I think this goes back to a very young stage where I never seperated from my mother in a healthy way.........how sad.

axa

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi axa,
I understand what you are saying. I am where you are, the difference being I do not want to go for a relationship now. It takes too long to get one going and knowing it is right....so long I'll be on death's door., so to speak.

Now in a relationship and I have thought of this, it is not easy these days. People have been too dysfunctional, to use a seldom-used word around here.   

We can hope for a relationship that is honest, trusting and true love, in which case there would be no abuse to look forward to......................all trusting!
.....................................but if your partner (or you) is from dysfunction and not at all ready, you can expect no true, trusting love or an abuse-free relationship.

I think when two people join in a commitment and that TRUE love is not there, it raises resentments, irritations, petty arguments, that will not be settled, but will go on to be outright abuse of each other.

Remember what my Therapist said. We are who we are and we therefore have expectations. Unmet expectations bring disappointment, and that is where it is to be 'nipped' and only in a trusting relationship, I see, can that be done without any anger whatsoever...and the disappointment is gone, not left to fester and grow into a ball of seething rage, that borders on insanity when spewed forth.

Oh Lordy I'm scaring me!

Love
Izzy

[ann3]

 Give me a relationship and I stick me on the altar with a note pinned to my chest saying "Take me, Abuse me, just love me"  I absolutly abandon myself.  I have no boundaries, I become passive and lose my voice which in time turns to resentment and anger.  I have come to the conclusion that I have no idea how to hold onto myself in a relationship with another. 

Hi Axa,

I am reading a book at this moment which deals with what you are describing.  The book is called "Whose Life is it Anyway"  by Nina Brown.  It talks about not making ourselves available to abuse & manipulation by shielding ourselves from the emotions of others.  The book talks about how to develop a 'self' & how to protect our "self" from being victimized & manipulated by others, whether or not the other person is consciously or unconsciously manipulating our emotions.  For me,it's an "ah ha" book & I'm learning a lot.

[lighter]

Really great thread, Axa.

Lighter

[axa]

Hi Izzy,

Thanks for your scary but true response.  At present there is so much going on I don't have much time to think about a relationship and if I am lucky I just pop off to the movies for an hour or two.  Great to hear your clear honest voice.

Major hugs,

axa


Ann,

Thank you for your response.  I will put the book on my list at the moment I have not time to read anything other than text books.  I appreciate your reply.

axa

[sKePTiKal]

Boundaries and expectations....

expectations and boundaries....

these 2 are inseparable for me, in my current work. Haven't been around much; very busy at work... but classes will settle down some, next week.

Axa: If you make a choice to be alone - or to risk a a relationship - that's today's choice. Tomorrow you can choose differently. There are many, many things that will change over time and you are already freeing yourself from INEVITABLY choosing a relationship with an N. You are less susceptible to throwing yourself into the relationship without boundaries... sacrificing "all" for love... and that's a beginning to a REAL relationship, I think.

[axa]

Phoenix,

This is something that I have always seen as an honourable part of me.......my commitment and loyality but I think there is more to it then that.  Of course I can change my mind, now that is a really strange idea for me!

axa