Hey ya Hops, I was glad to see you are still around. I see from the board that things are really "in play" for you at the moment. I hate that freaky feeling when people are trying to damage reputation. Ouch. I wish you much love, support, and a really thick BS shield to deal with that.
Dandylife, cool name! Thanks for the hello. My family (parents and siblings) were in regular contact until a huge blow up a number of years ago when my SIL's BPD hit us full force. We knew she was "quirky" and then through the years and through various events, we knew something was not right. We also knew she had major trauma in her younger years which she found quite advantageous to use to manipulate people. It was when I had to stand up to her and my brother's abusive expectations for my help that I had a major emotional breakdown and through that recovery many many things have snapped into focus. Like my dad. Like my mom's way of coping with my dad. Like how I feel when I am expected to tow the line. So in a strange and awful way, my SIL gave me a gift. The gift to say "I got my own life, thank you, and I don't have to do what you say." This was huge for me.
I'm now trying to nudge my mom there. She is finally seeing the light. For the moment. Last night, she had a little auto-pilot set back, but that is because she copes with indecision by staying busy. I told her to stay busy but not by making any plans re dad until we heard more from the medical people. This is really hard but she listened and she has many friends to support her. I told her she ISN"T going round the bend, that she IS feeling crappy because of the shock of all the ER visits and that she WILL get through this, that she is in great shape and will recover. (oh, they are in their late seventies and this adult child role in their life decisions is brand spanking new.)
My problem is that I feel that I am expected to trade places with her and feel really guilty about it. I also expect the backlash of anger and "why don't you do it the way I did it?" unspoken disapproval. I panick when I reflect on this. So this is the thing I have to actively hold and figure out and/or keep at bay. I also feel really panicked when I think I could have "gotten her out" sooner. My H literally grabbed me by the shoulders and said "but you did it!". It's quite a roller coaster ride.
I appreciate your notes, Dandylife and Hops. Hugs, MP
