This is an odd post--don't hit me!

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi

I'm aware of a "soap story" whereby the wife couldn't conceive, so they chose artificial insemination.

As a soap will go, the fertilized eggs on the Counter were TWO petrie dishes with the same Surname. The doctor used the eggs of this woman's husband's ex-wife, by mistake? as the doctor was the daughter of the woman's eggs. To make a long story short, after the baby was born and the truth was out before that, the 'new mother' wasn't bonding with the child, because of the terrible relationship between her and the egg donor. (No talk of sueing the hospital.)

and today she gave him to the ex-wife (ready to marry someone else) with whom he does bond!

There is psychology in this. What about the little boy, not yet one? Will he be screwed up?

It made me think about my daughter and me when we were separated by the accident and the lack of seeing each other and my fear that the bond would break...in that 2 month period, one visit, and not again until I was settled in the Rehab hospital.

After I was home, that sister who kept her for those 2 long months kept coming to pick her up and take her for a weekend, with her 2 daughters, one 9 months older and one 9 months younger. They were very close for a long long time.

In the past few years, sometime, my daughter asked me why I took her away from this sister and settled her elsewhere. I said that because I would be coming back to that city, she would be starting school there and would live with her 'sitter. my friend, with 3 kids, until I came home.

Boy! I don't want to open up old wounds, but what do you think was going on?  Should I have 'given her away'? What an awful question!

How do we ever know how a 5 year old feels, when s/he cannot explain it?

Izzy

--and you know me better than to take this any other way but hypothetical , with real happenings.

[lighter]

I think she would have liked to have kept you and her "sister", both, ya know?

In her little 5yo mind..... she didn't want to give up either of you.

I don't think she was asking you why you came back to parent her, only why she had to lose that other connection.

Lighter

[Izzy_*now*]

hi lighter
Thanks
Not sure about that either though....there is always aother finger in the pie!

She said to me once she didn't like those 'weekends' as her Aunt would take her shopping and buy her clothes...dresses...just because those 2 girl cousins still wore dresses all the time... and in daughter's  school, her gang was wearing jeans and Ts.

I think my D was all screwed up at that point!....and this went on through elementary school, her age 14.

If I only knew if I was talked about to her, or never mentioned....a habit in my family, especially with the lack of visits to me.... ignore it and it will go away?

[debkor]

Hey Iz,

It sounds like she was told they were her little sisters.  And I wonder myself if you were mentioned.  Almost seems like (even if she was not told) that she was their kid now (in her mind).  You lived in the hospital.  Not that you abandoned her but you lived there.  They don't get it Iz.  Can you imagine the trauma.  A week to a child away from a parent feels like a year.  They want reassurance when is my mom coming home...in 4 days, 60 mins and 33 seconds...that kind..making sure you really are. I remember when I was little and worried about *what if my mother an father die* separation dreams..night terror dreams..My son use to say at the age of 5 I don't want you to die at 46 That kind of had me worried a bit..I made it to 52 so far.  Your little girls worst nightmare just came true.  You were ripped away from her in a night.  How is she to deal with this..the trauma..your trauma...and no support.  Of course she was screwed up.  With most likely fear of you being ripped away from her again.   Bonded Izzy?  You and her bonded at birth.  You and her just had a terrible trauma to your lives and no one there to support either of you.

And we don't know how they feel Izzy at 5.  I had an accident was a single parent and had to choose between which child I would ride with in the ambulance.  My d was the most hurt.  I had to stay with her and send my son home with my sister.  When I came home I gave them toys I had in the closet. Cheap stocking stuffer toys.  My son had superman shoelaces, coloring books, crayons and forgot what else.  My D had a rag doll.  He felt sad that she got a rag doll and left out.  I think he really was upset that I rode the ambulance with my D but could not explain it.  I had to figure this out.  I think he felt abandoned and was traumatized from the trauma of the accident then me having to make choice...boy that sucked...and he just didn't understand.  I can only assume what went through his little mind. 

Love
Deb

[Izzy_*now*]

Thanks Deb,

Not that I like to think I wasn't mentioned, but for 6 days I was on death's door, sooo........... I can imagine that, considering it is my family, I might not have been for even that first week that I was away and where etc. and I , too, believe that would have been a traumatic time for her and then not seeing me for something liike 2 months and then to be in a stryker frame at that. Was she prepared? ....not likely as it was this sister's first (and only) visit.

These are questions no one can really answer, but one can try to guess, and then think to ask her questions, at the time, to see how she was dealing.

So I think of the little boy in the TV show and if the producers are doing it on purpose, it isn't fair to viewers to see him always crying when with his birth mother, and then always smiling and happy with the egg supplier.

I see and read many things that I understand and many that leave me wondering.

One thing I know is that I was not always this deeply analytical, but in the long run I have pieced things together.

When I was 5, I remember crying at the crossroads , could see the school and 2 older sisters wondering what was wrong. It was that I couldn't read or write...they just laughed and called me stupid, that I would learn that in school.  Now that memory was always there, but the logical part wasn't, that no one had sat down  on the floor with me and played abcs and 123s. This is what Dr. G means that parents must enter the child's world, not force the child to enter the parents' world for attention.

Somehopw I knew automatically to do this with my daughter and she knew colours, Letters, counting by age 2. She had been given a set of blocks-- and there were letters numbers and pictues on the different sides.  I remember that there was a goose on the pink blocks...it was "Good! Now find me all  the goose pictures"  or "all the green blocks" etc. I was reading the newspaper one day and heard her rambling off letters...realized she was getting them from the headlines facing her.

Life is very convoluted, and to have to choose between your two children at that crucial time...well we deep thinkers will now be wondering about his poor little heart breaking that you were not with him.

Love
Izzy

[lighter]

Both stories have me wondering about little hearts.

Light