Fusion - boundaries, emotions, beliefs & habits

[sKePTiKal]

Hey there...

I'm going to try to update you all on this thread about my progress. But still frantically busy at work and not enough time to think coherently. I'll be back later... so in the meantime, I'm just gonna lock the thread until I get a chance to "spit it all out"! 

 

[sKePTiKal]

Got a little time... but I don't know if I can explain myself in a way that others can understand. I'm simply going to try.

For all the experiences that I've related here... the feelings I've expressed... the leaps of understanding that I seem to get from time to time...  none of these are all that important anymore.

I am myself. Not Twiggy & me... not even a "survivor". Just a person mucking through life the best I can, these days. If anything, all the stuff I've learned in the past 3-4 years tops anything that I learned through books, college courses, and so-called spiritual groups. Especially in the past few weeks.

There really wasn't much choice involved about my re-engaging fully with my job. All that stuff has to get done; and it's me that does it. And the usual frustrations, meltdowns, even flat out anger all occurred... and all got "handled" appropriately... albeit with my usual dramatic vocal pleading with the gods to save me from people with phd's who can't THINK.... people who are in some ways, worse off - more "stuck" - than I am. Those are the exceptions. Outstanding in their inability to reason. On the whole, I've enjoyed my work with faculty the past weeks and even made some new friends.

I didn't do a lot of second-guessing myself, when expressing my anger & frustration. No guilt or remorse. In one instance, someone who has continually pushed my boundaries of following established procedure created a problem, because of not following procedure... and I was able to professionally deliver my consequences and request that this never happen again. That was enjoyable. It felt GOOD.

I have spent some time with the new leadership on campus; getting to know them and their philosophy and style. And I've had a surge of feelings of empowerment - that I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore, trying to please everyone, everywhere on campus, all the time. It's actually expected of me that I make decisions and stick to them. And the reason I wasn't "allowed" to... has been defanged. I'll be working closely with other people, finally being free to pursue the goals I was passionate about - then demoralized over - when I first arrived here 8 years ago.

I took 2 months off from tai chi to have the time/energy to care for myself during this crazy, exhausting, busy time. Just started back last night. It feels good to be back... and it's going to be fruitful. So, so much about me is different now, than before...

I am 100% convinced that progress - seriously life-changing progress - happens in such small, gradual increments while my mind focusses on this problem, that issue... works through that struggle... that I was healing "without even trying". Yes, there were things that I had to do: express my real feelings in a real-life situation... examine the mysterious processes I used to use to abuse myself: and WHY... why matters... but it's not the goal.

The goal is to just be me. And I finally am.

I haven't mastered all the things about me that I learned I had to work on... I haven't quit smoking, either. Like ALL other self-aware people, I'll be working on this stuff until my last breath. I'll still miss the obvious... I'll still make big mistakes, little mistakes... 

BUT THAT'S OK, because I'm me... and I'm free to feel whatever and I don't have a problem expressing myself (ms. chatty-cathy....) and now that I have "me" back... I'm not letting go of ME again.

Discovered that all the descriptions of me as stubborn, hard-headed, extroverted, determined & persistent were really descriptions of the "pretend" me; external me... in reality, I gave up. I gave up - lost - more than a lot of people lose. Most significantly, I lost my SELF. Gave it up, willingly... betrayed myself for a promise of "love" in my foo, that wasn't really love after all. I could write a modern Greek tragedy out of the real facts...

But, hell - in the end - doesn't matter. Nope. Doesn't give me the time back, doesn't let me have a "do-over" of all those years. Doesn't change my mom, my daughter who seems to have inherited whatever is wrong with my mom. Only thing examining this in retrospect, in full 3-D living color emotional detail, and re-writing it over & over has done is help me be comfortable with what was... what is... to let go of it.

My boundaries are getting healthier. I want what I want, and that's important to ME. It doesn't have to be important to anyone else - and it doesn't mean I think it's more important than what others want, either.
The false boundaries that belong to the pretend self - the disguise, the role - only served to keep myself trapped in an endless cycle - a closed loop - of struggle and self-abuse... smoking is one such false boundary: keep those emotions well hidden, managed, keep people seeing the "real" me...

"boundary" comes from "bind"... I learned boundaries as an imprisonment; not as security or wholeness, self.

it's OK if people see me the way I am. I'm OK. I don't have to hide... fake it... or be what I'm not. Not everyone is going to like me... and I'm not going to shrivel up & die, if they don't. Doesn't mean they're "right" or "better" than me, anyhoo... doesn't mean I'm "bad", either...

People ARE going to be upset with how I'm enforcing boundaries, at work. Know it, anticipate it, am OK with it. The habits? Well, I think just like the progress I've been making - just under the radar of awareness - those habits will also change, without even hardly trying... because the more I'm ME... the more I can simply make the choice in the present moment about what is healthy, wise, and what I WANT for me...

sure feels like I'm finally on the downhill side of the gravel mountain... slip-sliding... skiing... snowboarding my way down... and hot-doggin' it. Always was a "show-off"... it's FUN.

[teartracks]

Hi PR,

Love it!  Love your progress.  I feel your relaxed resolve.  You go girl!

The habit part of your post caught my attention.  We must be on a similar wave length.  I know that some of my truth is that the way I was raised has affected who I am.  You know those neurons that get rerouted in order to help us survive?   Lately, however, I've wondered how much of my behavior is just plain old bad habits. 

After rising from the dust of melessness, I find that I'm left with some plain old bad habits that don't seem to be residue from abuse.  I know that if they are to change, I have to take ownership of them (just the way a normal un-abused person gets rid of their  bad habits) and that if I were diligent, I could change a lot of them in a relatively short period.  In spite of my resolve to do better, I do want to take a rest though.   

I guess I'm thinking that I got into the 'habit' of passing off an acquired bad habit as part of my disordered -ness.  I've concluded pretty much what you've expressed, it feels so good to be me, but 'me' has come over the mountain with some plain old bad habits in tow, whose origin, in my case was not necessarily in the abuse.  And 'me' has to take ownership of her bad habits right along with the freedom I've won to be me.

Hope I'm making sense.  Please extend me grace on the composition, I didn't run it by grammar girl.   Backache!

tt

[Hopalong]

relaxed resolve

Well said, TT!

And well DONE, Amber.

What a surge of well-being you've sent yourself.
And it landed.

Kudos,
Hops

[teartracks]

Thanks Hops. 

tt

[Gaining Strength]

PR - I'm amazed at where you are.  There is something fascinating about what was going on during this significant transformation - you were so busy - too busy to post here and yet all the work you have been doing coalesced and voila you are transformed.

I am very, very happy for you.  Thanks so much for sharing.

[CB123]

PR,

I really get what you are saying.  I started my thread about my neighborhood with the intent to relate the similar insights that I have had recently.

For me, the bottom line is that after all the angst and soul-searching, there is just flawed, struggling me--living in the midst of other people with flaws and struggles.  And we bounce off each other, and learn from each other (either willingly, or not!), and touch each other. 

I've quit looking for an ideal person who will love me perfectly, and have quit expecting myself to be that person to someone else.  Even to my kids--which was the hardest.  As I have seen how my own wounds have made my parenting a struggle (and that with some amount of awareness), it makes me realize how impossible it was for my own unaware mother to be what I needed. 

What an encouragement to read about where you have arrived in your journey!  Isnt it relaxing after all those years of soul-searching?  I hope that this is a huge encouragement to other board members who are making their way through their wounds on their way to their own wholeness.

Love
CB

[axa]

H Phoenix,

I felt so joyful reading about your journey.  Like others here it mirrors mine in so many ways.  It's strange that we have to go away to so many places to find what is within us - ourselves.  I am moving to acceptance of little old messed up me knowing that there is much about her that I like and much that will always be difficult.  I hope to be available to spend a little time on line shortly and engage more fully with your thread.  Just wanted to say well done girl.  By the way, your comment about the phd students made me laugh out loud!


axa

[Certain Hope]

Dear Amber,

What you've written is clear to me and I'm so very glad for you!
To me, this new place in which you've found yourself.... sounds like... adulthood, complete with fortitude, vision, steadfastness, hope, confidence... maturity!

One sense I get through all of this is that it's so good and necessary to be actively, busily engaged in life. Then we have something genuine to share... that spark... within ourselves and with others.
This is not the sort of passive busy-ness which can serve as a distraction or mask or barrier to vital engagement, but a true zest for life!
As important as it is not to take on an excess of burden,
I've discovered that it's absolutely essential for me not to dwell in the land of constant introspection. Truly, I've experienced the necessity of having to ____, or get off the pot!
Oh, the discoveries... for one, that working full time and actually experiencing life within my own skin, while deliberately choosing to share that life with some and bound it from others, is enriching... and not depleting!

"The goal is to just be me. And I finally am."

Yes, permission to "be". I believe that we're the only ones who can give ourselves that....and what leaps out at me about this is that - for me - the course was impossibly barricaded, until I deliberately chose to stop blaming anyone else for who I am now.... including myself.
 Blameful regrets die hard, but die they must... lest they sour.
Consciously, deliberately, purposefully choosing to be solely responsible for all that I do, think, feel, and say... that choice has been a key, for me, to living (and not merely existing) in the present.

Amber, so often, you have been an inspiration to me here. Thank you again, for sharing your self.

With love,
Carolyn

[lighter]

Amazing post, Amber!

It's been a priviledge and honor to share some of your journey.

((((Amber)))))

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Oh gosh, thank you all!

I wasn't even confident that I would make sense... much less get so much validation from everyone, or make a connection with your own paths. Couple things stand out:

TearTracks - yep, sometimes they're just plain old bad habits. And you're so right about not blaming anyone else but me for this. The whole struggle with smoking for me, is completely and totally boundary-related - the normal boundaries I was denied as well as the inappropriate ones I chose - or allowed myself to be coerced into (betrayal of my SELF). The more I own my part in all the "disordered-ness"... the free-er I get from reinforcing the same old habits, out of some misguided fear or expectation that "something bad will happen" - like emotional abuse. My choices are still based on survival - but the situation is sans-disorderedness now - and I need to let go the idea that somehow my quitting smoking is any different than anyone else.


CB - LOL! "Relaxing", sort of... I'm still experiencing nebulous anxiety over the things I'm doing. For some reason, the jeep load of stuff that I took to Salvation Army this morning had me trembling... but once everything was unloaded there was relief. I am aware of actually feeling DIFFERENTLY - a different self-awareness - and even this seems to make me anxious about the "consequences" that never seem to materialize, if I simply plow on through. And the anxiety is simply an old habit that - at this moment - I don't understand anymore; as if it belongs to someone ELSE... who is not me. It's not an obstacle - more like a cloud passing in the sky.

Axa - I hope to get back here a little more often, too. Can't wait to read your update!

SS - I think that it was BECAUSE I was so busy and I had to act quickly, make decisions promptly, and keep on moving to the "next" thing - that I was able to simply change the "how" while in the midst of "doing" - no time to analyze, second-guess - and I can't tell you how much it helped that I received validation from an authority figure that I was "on the right track". It gave me confidence to make some very difficult decisions - to risk someone else's anger & frustration with me - because I knew I was right and acting with the welfare of many people, in mind - not just a squeeky wheel.

HOPS - thank you. It does feel very good, even though I'm sort of a "stranger in a strange land" right now. New experiences are always something I enjoy - and I've postponed this one for far too long.

Carolyn! where & how've you been? It's good to read you. Yes, permission to "be". I believe that we're the only ones who can give ourselves that....

Yep; that's EXACTLY it. And it explains so much old resentment, if someone forced me to be something I'm not - outwardly - and then, I also betrayed myself by not even being my SELF for myself, without realizing it. Then, of course, it's easy to blame others - and let myself off the hook. I was told my mom knew me better than I could possibly know myself - that is how thoroughly my normal boundaries were destroyed... and I simply DIDN'T KNOW that my mom was about as wrong as someone could get about this. Other people are what they are - you can't control, mold, or change them. My mom still doesn't know this - and never will.

Lighter - I ain't going far, hon. I want to see your situation completely totally put behind you. Hugs right back atcha.

[Hopalong]

I need to let go the idea that somehow my quitting smoking is any different than anyone else.

HOORAY!

And, forgive me but I don't want you to pay the price, that means you can look more directly at the actual addiction--physical and brain--that must be addressed to quit.

It is SOOO big. And you can succeed more easily I believe if you no longer look at it as having a "special" relationship with cigarettes.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

You don't know how many times I've told myself : Hops was right, lately....

I was listening, but I was still thinking "oh - all these things are all related to smoking".... and my T's admonition to not force myself to quit - that it would just happen - seemed to say that it was a process that would happen all on it's own, even when I said I realized I'd have to make the usual effort to quit. I didn't quite understand her, either. Not at that deeper level.

[sKePTiKal]

I also get what you have said about your "special" relationship with cigarettes.  If we were honest, I think we would admit that all of us think our own situations are special and unique.  I think that's the part of us that is narcissistic.  We really can only process life through our own experiences and we are at the center of each one!

I wonder how much help it is to focus on how special we are as part of our healing?  A lot of conventional wisdom says that we should recognize how special we are (and we are!)  But, I am wondering how much of my stuck-ness is out of that sense of special-ness--that my problems are somehow more resistant to solution than anyone elses.  That my struggles are somehow unique.

Looking back at my journey, I have to say that I really, really, really, really NEEDED to spend that time feeling that I was special. I seldom experienced that feeling - that I was important & special - just the way, I am growing up. But, then this too has to be put into perspective, to really say that I am recovered, healed. If I became attached to this idea - above all others - that I was so important, special, the center of the universe... then I would be letting myself become exactly what caused all my separation from my SELF... I would be becoming another abuser.

Like with a painting, you have to know when enough's enough; when to stop; when it's finished. It "feels" right - like if you added one more thing or reworked that troublesome spot in the paint one more time: the painting would be ruined. Like when to stop kneading bread, right, CB? Too much and you break down the gluten and won't get the desired air pockets...

So at some point, even that "being special" needs to fall into a new arrangement of being who we are. It changes, becomes as much a part of us as the old wounds which get accepted as part of our "is-ness"... just like the scars on my knees from falling in double dutch. It just is... part of us... not the ONLY thing about us. Balanced.