Well, SS, funny thing...
One the one hand, I'm finding I don't have to "do" a thing... my sub/unconscious self seems to be doing it FOR me. I've frequently begun "forgetting" my smokes; even walked out of the store without them, right after buying them. And just now, I "dropped" the one I just lit outside of the jeep. I've had to make a conscious effort to remember to continue my habit - this, of course, out of old fear of the consequences of giving up this charade of a boundary. Smoking is becoming difficult, but of course, I persist.
As if I'm simply "becoming" a non-smoker, as this unification of myself takes place; as I finally understand the absolutely ABSURD rules I learned to live by. Additionally, my psychosomatic "symptoms" are all ganged up on the negative affects of smoking: switching brands is no help either; the only way I feel halfway decent physically: not smoking. And the funny thing is, that the less I smoke I find it's actually EASIER to manage those old emotional habits... I don't experience the anxiety, depression, or emotional chaos as much or as intensely.
As if smoking IS the TRIGGER for those old emotional patterns...
Not sure yet; still observing. Last week's chaos at the office got me thinking about why I let insanity around me actually affect my own feelings; upsetting me, making me anxious, waking up the wail I mentioned a couple posts ago. I do believe, it's 'coz I was actually EXPECTED to be responsible for fixing the insanity -- my mother's. Failing that, then I was supposed to feel what she felt. I finally connected this piece, when I remembered that my Dad had tried to encourage me to persuade my mom to go get stents for her heart disease... he was believing that I must have the ability to control her...able to reverse the process of what she did to me. I even tried; absolutely no headway as I expected.
As if smoking IS the TRIGGER for those old emotional patterns...
and letting this go (as it seems to be going, when I don't consciously think: time to smoke) might just the next step. Smoking never stopped the insanity before... but it did give the chance to be ME and not HER. Prone to magical thinking as a kid, I wonder how much power I assigned to this? Stripped of that "power"... I wonder how much of a hold the actual addiction has over me? Why don't I have the level of withdrawal symptoms, others report?
Finding a replacement for smoking is checked off the list. CBT 101. I've found a computer game I can play which is soothing, provides a mental break, seems to refresh me or adjust the left/right brain balance... and "satisfies" the need to reward myself. Best of all: no calories!

So far, it's working better than anything else. It's a time out - to just be me. I have a copy at home - and a similar version for my handheld DS game... that I can take with me anywhere.
And it must stimulate parts of my brain that were off limits, so long. While playing, a jumbled assortment of little tidbits of memory come floating up to the surface - of me BEFORE - the Sh*t hit the fan. Huh. Just now realized that very few of these memories are of that time; they are all me BEFORE. Don't have a clue what that means... or if it matters.