Does anyone here have NON-N parent(s) besides me?

[ann3]

I've debated whether or not to say this, but here goes:

IMO, I think that if we have gotten involved with Ns (spouses, significant others, friends), then, to me, that shows that we have a tolerance for the abusive ways Ns treat us.

So, if we have a tolerance for N abuse, then we must have been subjected to N(ish) abuse and most likely, we were subjected to N(ish) abuse when we were young children because that tolerance for abuse was imprinted upon us.

So, if tolerance for abuse was imprinted upon us when we were young children, it seems to me that the one who imprinted us was, most likely, a care taker such as a parent, relative or older sibling or someone similar.

Just my opinion.

ann

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi ann

I agree with this. What is inside a family is the family dynamic and if Ns are made then there they are, but withiin the same dynamics, some can see things a different way and not become an N. IMO

My parents were not Ns but dad was physically abusive and mom was quiet. Our surroundings was abuse.....and the emotional abuse was not recognized by me, but it did make me a person 'comfortable' with physical and emotional abuse. I grew up that way.

When Joe. the alcoholic hit me, I was more concerned about his alcoholism than the abuse. I never knew about alcoholism until I was much older. It was new.

The emotional abuse I finally 'felt'/recognized from my daughter's N husband, and it made my stomach curl up and I couldn't speak. This was like childhood, but then I found my own N and more abuse and I began to understand what was happening and I was in my 50s by then.

I would like to hear, too, from people who had no N parents but some N children. My one N sister was a bully fromn as fare back as I can remember and was always pickiing on me, scapegoating, which mnade my self-esteem even worse, although we didn't know about self-esteem then either.

What a weird life

Izzy

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi seasons,

Yes I did read that too quickly, your brother being the baby of the family but yet 6.

How did that affect YOU?

Johnnie was born in Feb and I played with him alot in the summer. He still couldn't sit up and when I let go his head hit a rock. I also put him on the backyard swing and gave him a push. PLOP! I felt bad both times, but I don't recall any instructions or warnings from Mom about taking him out alone.  This would be Summer

He died suddenly Sept7/46 of acute leukemia and the days went as usual with his little body laid out in the parlour and the relatives coming in 3 days for a service and then on to the cemetery. Another service and Mom sent us kids home before he was put into the ground.

Afterward there was no talk of Johnnie....no talk of death. He was 'just never mentioned', but I remembered him. Maybe I didn't think of babies as persons yet, but I think I thought he would grow up to be my friend.

Maybe it's like sex,,,everyone knows it's there but no one says anything about it.

When Mom was dying, '94, one sister asked about Johnnie and she said that mainly she never thought of him. THIS shocks me------so what were her other children to her, forgotten if dead, forgotten if alive. too?

xx
Izzy

[ann3]

Hi Izzy,

I think we're saying the same thing using different words.

Yes, an abusive dynamic in the family;  like some family members are infected with an abusive N virus, some family members are not.

I think a key is becoming conscious of the abuse, like you & debkor said.  And, me too, I was not conscious of the abuse until I woke up, saw it & named it.  Now, I'm on the out look for it:  is this person being abusive or not?

Seasons & Izzy:  so sorry to hear of the loss of your baby brothers.
 
THIS shocks me------so what were her other children to her, forgotten if dead, forgotten if alive. too? 
I can relate:  we ponder & ponder:  what were they thinking???  But, there's no answer.  We don't know what went on in their minds and we can never know.  So, I try to let this go because it leads me no where.  I try to take a deep breath, exhale and live in the moment.  I'm trying to let go of asking questions to which I will never have an answer & it's tough.

ann

[seasons]

I've debated whether or not to say this, but here goes:

IMO, I think that if we have gotten involved with Ns (spouses, significant others, friends), then, to me, that shows that we have a tolerance for the abusive ways Ns treat us.

So, if we have a tolerance for N abuse, then we must have been subjected to N(ish) abuse and most likely, we were subjected to N(ish) abuse when we were young children because that tolerance for abuse was imprinted upon us.

So, if tolerance for abuse was imprinted upon us when we were young children, it seems to me that the one who imprinted us was, most likely, a care taker such as a parent, relative or older sibling or someone similar.

Just my opinion.

ann

Wow, that hit the nail on the head for me. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.


I left with the will to change my TOLERANCE level.

I am going to save this as a reminder. Also thank you for your kind words of comfort.

ox seasons

[ann3]

Hi Seasons,

Glad it was helpful. 

I'm not familiar with your story, so I'll read your thread.

xoxo,
ann