Moving through judgment

[Overcomer]

You know, I totally agree SS.  When the board is closed I vote we find another place to congregate.  It will be like a death.  I have been here for four years and have connected with this last group the most.  Some of the gals I PMed in the beginning are long gone. 

I have run to this place for support and advise.......sometimes I have time to post and read.............others few and far between.  But I feel your pain and I know you feel mine.

I know I want my mom to be happy for me but that will never happen unless I stay and support HER image.....it is so apparent to me now.  I remember not knowing what was wrong but now I have identified the N it is SO obvious to me..

I dread telling her that is the problem.  I will have her AND my aunt in the room with me.  I will have a business plan all set out.....I will promise to check in to keep my thumb in the pie sort of speak....I will tell her that when she REALLY wants to retire I might come back.................MIGHT being the operative word here...

I just wish I would have a feeling or an audible word from God or some person who has the gift of prophecy...............someone to say "this is what you should do...."  Preferably an audible word from God.   "KELLY!!  DO THE CHURCH BOOKSTORE THING AND NEXT WEEK YOU WILL WIN THE LOTTERY..............THEN YOU CAN DO IT FOR FREE!!"

[Gaining Strength]

Kelly, I have seen what looks like a significant shift for you in the past week.  You a so close to crossing a very significant line.  You see that your mother is not going to do for you and be for you what you need and what you deserve.  What I hear from you now is that you don't know what to do about that.  It will take an enormous leap of faith for you to stay on the track you are now on.

I have more to say but am out the door on the way to baseball.

I see you so close to making one of the most important shifts of your life.  I will truly pray that you find th courage, faith and determination to keep moving forward.  Now without doubts but with perseverance inspite of your doubt.  More later. - SS

[Overcomer]

Can't wait to hear your observations, SS.  This is exciting for me....to think I am making some positive moves.  I am in limbo as I haven't heard from the church or the Clinique people.......I listened to several sermons today via podcast and on tv.  I think I got some pretty good affirmation that no matter what I do, I can rely on God and myself instead of my mom....

[Gaining Strength]

I'm responding to your last post first.  Have you ever read Warren's "Purpose Drive Life"?  He does a good job of outlining a way to plan our way forward.  Have I ever asked yo uthat before?

I know I want my mom to be happy for me but that will never happen unless I stay and support HER image.....
This sounds new to me.  This is the first time I have clearly heard you that she willl never ... without an "unless".  It really does sound like you understand now - that it doesn't matter what you do she won't make the right changes.  The difficult thing for so many of us to really get is that it doesn't matter what we do - in part because it is about them and not us.  That's part of the original problem.  Parents should care about their children but N parents never could. They do things - not for their children but expecting their children to do for them - completely backwards.

I dread telling her that is the problem.  I will have her AND my aunt in the room with me.  I will have a business plan all set out.....I will promise to check in to keep my thumb in the pie sort of speak....I will tell her that when she REALLY wants to retire I might come back.................MIGHT being the operative word here...

I have been trying to figure out how to express what I'm thinking here for about 20 minutes and I'm coming up short so this may not make much sense but I've said I would write something so I'm going to do my best. Here goes:

You wrote that you dread telling her.  I read into that that you fear her reaction.  But believe it or not this is actually where you have a choice - not the choice you would like.  You don't get to pick how she will react.  You already know how SHE will react.  You get to choose how YOU will react.

When you wrote this is suspect that you are dreading telling her because you already know what her unsupportive response will be and you are just hoping beyond hope that it will be different even though you know it won't.  You are dreading it because when she reacts the way you suspect she will then you will react the way you have always reacted and the two of you will go round and round again with the same miserable pattern.  But guess what!!!!  You can actually break the pattern!!

This time you can do something different!!! YOU can react differently.  Instead of getting exasperated and frustrated you can smile to yourself because you have predicted exactly how she will react.  You can actually find humor in it and then laugh even harder because for the first time ever you actually have the upper hand - you didn't get angry or frustrated by her predictable reaction.  It would really change your life if you can change up your own predictable reaction to her predictable reaction.

Give it some thought.  It could be a big change in your life.  It does take a little bit of faith to do things a little differently. OK - a lot of faith but why not.  You don't like things the way they are - not even a little bit.  O, I know it is scary but what in the world do you have to lose - keeping things the same old way?  That doesn't really sound scary - that's what you've been hoping for but you've been waiting for your mother to make the move and you don't have to wait any more - now you can make the move.  Give it a try - think about it - it could be the thing you've ever done.

[Overcomer]

That is it.  I dread telling her because I already know her response.....but I have to tell her because it is a job...no other "boss" would react in that way, would they??  I also realize the trap I have been in for so long.  I make so much money and have all the flexibility I need, thereby forcing me to stay.  This has been the catch 22 all along.  Everyone here thinks I have been complaining about my mom but never doing anything for years.  But what I have been doing is trying to find a situation where I do not feel overwhelmed by the demands of the job and also take a cut in pay.....PLUS I come here to whine.  I really have no one to vent to so you guys have been my souinding board.  I understand that for years I have frustrated all of you by my indecisiveness, my stupidity for staying with an alcoholic, etc. 

But now I am at the edge of the cliff.  I know I am going to jump but how am I going to do it??  Church?  If I get that I have to do my V4L business.  Furniture?  I have to do my V4L business.......at least at first because you do not make much for the first three months.  I think..........oh, I already have too much on my credit card, I cannot afford to have more.......especially during Christmas.

So yes, I am scared.  But no, I cannot stay where I am.  I know if I back out and stay then I will be mad at my mom when I should really be mad at myself for allowing me to stay in a situation that has been intolerable for years!!

So I have prayed and prayed............still no audible voice from God...

I have started The Purpose Driven Life.  Did about 10 days and never finished.  I know it is a great book..........need to dig it out and do it!!

[Gaining Strength]

There is a story about Mother Theresa that would be helpful here but I can't remember it well.  In part a man goes to her and asks her how he can know what God is telling him or what can he do in order to hear God's voice with certitude.  Her response to him is basically that he must act first and then listen for God's voice.  It is the acting that is the faith not waiting for a certain voice from God.  Faith is all about stepping out without certainty but with trust.

[Overcomer]

....and the Bible does say "the steps of a righteous man are ordered of the Lord........."  Ps 37:something.....

So I guess if I step out......he will order my steps.......................BUT no word from Clinique OR church............boy I hate the waiting more than anything!

[Hopalong]

Love you, Kell. I'm so impressed with you.
Here I go...

Mom, I have to leave the business for my own wellbeing. It's not your fault. You have done the best you know how to do and I'm done blaming. My last day at work with you will be _______.
I know this may be a shock and it was a very hard decision.
I can't stay right now to talk it through.
I still love you and I will talk to you later. Bye....[door closes gently]

Kids, something different is happening this year about Christmas.
We're going to do it a new way, that's very simple.
No presents that cost more than $5. If you want, we can all give each other special coupons that we make ourselves, that will be about something special we will do for the person we're giving them to. Something that shows we care.
We'll have a simple day and then we're going to all go volunteer.

xxoo
Hops