Question for Anyone who is Married in a Good Relationship

[bean]

I have a serious question, although it may sound naive.

How does a Good Marriage work?  I know there are different kinds and they all work differently, but I never had role models.  My own parents were so dysfunctional, and always bragged about still being together...

I know I'm looking for "the answer" when maybe there isn't one.  But lately, I have very badly felt the need to know the recipe(s) of good marriages. 

Of course there are tons of books out there, and trust me, I've read a lot of them.

I guess I'm looking for a more personal sharing of what worked, and I'm wondering.  What is the contribution of the following in making your marriage work:

1.  Love at first sight (instant infautation!)

2.  A growing respect and appreciation of the other

3.  being surprised more and more, in a good way

4.  seeing the others faults, and accepting them

5.  not wanting to control the other

6.  The ability to be at ease around your spouse

7.  The ability to communicate the in hard times

8.  "tests" of the relationship

I know good relationships are complicated.  bad ones seem very simple, I think.

thanks in advance,

bean

[Ami]

Wonderful topic ,Bean.
I can't add about a good marriage,but I will listen to responses. Thanks for bringing it up.                       Ami

[mudpuppy]

What is the contribution of the following in making your marriage work:

1. Virtually nothing. People who talk about love at first sight forget all the times they were infatuated with idiots.
2. That is love.
3. Not sure. If you mean continually surprised how compatible you are with your mate then yes it's important.
4. See #2
5. Ditto
6. If you are not at ease around your spouse you don't have a good relationship, period.
7. Important but there are many ways to communicate. sometimes it is only a touch or knowing when not to communicate at all.
8. If a relationship fails over a test then I'm not sure it was a good one to begin with. We've been through a couple of dandies and there was never the slightest chance of our relationship weakening. No one or nothing can come between two people who are truly one.

mud

[bean]

thanks mud

I needed some inspiration, to know that good marriages do exist, that it is not all "theory" or a pipe dream

It seems it is all luck?

I mean, I tried my hardest to have a good relationship with someone.  It didn't grow no matter how much I watered it.

[gratitude28]

Hey bean,
Haven't been on in a while, but saw your topic. I may sound dorky, but whenever I go into something (having a baby, relationship, animal care), I get books and read about what is recommended.
Sooooo... these are some things we decided early on and some that worked out:

I did not fall instantly in love with my husband. As we got to know each other, I realized how intelligent and interesting he was. He was also not the type I had dated physically!!!
When we decided it was a relationship, we agreed on a few things - honesty above all else. I told him that if he ever wanted someone else - fine - let me know and I'd be outta there so he could pursue her. BUT that would be it for us. We agreed that we would be honest because that was such a big part of respecting one another. When arguing, we have never "blamed" each other for problems. We are careful to say, "I think" or "I feel that...." We don't "fight dirty." If we do fight, it is an issue we really need to resolve - and that is our goal (not that I don't think he is a royal jerk during those times, or vice versa).
I haven't finished reading it yet, and I am not enomaroed of Dr. Laura, but I do like the book she has about marriages (I think it's The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages). I was feeling irritable with hubby a lot and started reading it. One thing it said, which has really stuck for me, is that you may not be in love with your husband at the moment, but you always realize that as a whole he is what you want in a husband. I think that is so important - finding a person that meets most of the ideals/needs you want in a partner.

Lots of love, Bean. Hope you are doing well.
Beth

[Ami]

That is really helpful ,Beth. Thank you.        Ami

[gratitude28]

Thanks Ami There is another truth - I really believe that you have to think with your head, but you also have to be fortunate enough to find a person willing to grow with you.
Love, Beth

[dandylife]

I have witnessed 2 really great relationships and each had a very distinct trait, besides lasting for over 40 years each.

My grandparents:
They were the most important people in the world to each other. Friends, lovers, helpmates, companions.

Friends:
They helped each other get what they wanted. She is an artist and framer. He built her a studio. He wanted to retire. She got a second job. They just made each other's dreams come true.

dandylife