What is wrong with Me

[debkor]

You all know my story of life with exh.

It's been years and years and years.   I have had no contact or my children for many years.  My kids are now 22/24. 

My husband had served many years in Prison and I had stopped contact from my children.  Even letters due to, well ya

all know, manipulations.  He even wrote to my children saying I don't know if your mother is even telling you about theses

letters and I'm having a hard time and I got hit in the head and had some black outs and blah, blah, blah...(you know how they work).

I told them the truth.  I told them I stopped the contact not their father.  That they would have to trust me on this and that their father was ill and things being written that should not be but not to be mad at him.  It was not his choice it was mine. 

So as they got older they understood more what I did.  They understood that he was a Sick Man and I did what I did to protect them. They asked if he cared about them.  I said, yes, in his way.  I don't know what his way is it even may have been 100% of what he was capable of but not a normal way of loving..so in that sense...Yes he loved and cared as much as was possible for him.
He was ill and not to hate him for he had an illness.  Not to hang on to anger or any abandonment feelings.  Don't live your life being angry over something that is not in your control, you can not make better, and did not cause.  He is Sick.

So now about 2 months ago my children's cousins contacted them on their Web Page. 

My d was excited and uncomfortable a little.  My son seemed to be annoyed.  They spoke on line a bit and the cousins wanted to meet.  They are all grown now and simply were looking for the cousins to re unite which was not a bad thing.  I liked them very  much. 

There is a book that had my children's GF on and in it and it was being given to my son so he could know about his GF have something.  My son declined it but was again...annoyed and seemed angry. 

I smell a conflict.

We spoke and I asked do you not want to know your family?  They are good people and it is not your fault or your cousins.  I will respect your wishes but it is all right?  Why are you so angry?  He said it's Weird.  He does not want to have anything to do with them...yet he wrote to them...

Then his cousin called him and he did not return the call...and was annoyed again.....

I said, do you think that if you meet this is going to let your Dad into your life?  No, I just think it's weird.

OK then...and I left him alone.

Then where he works a big retired official came in and was talking about the FD.  My son asked if he knew his uncles.  He said, oh yeah, and yakked away even knowing his GF and telling him what a legend he was.  Then he said, I saw your dad only 2 weeks ago.

My son did not say much let it blow over.

Today I got a call from my son very upset from his work.  He sounded breathy and having some anxiety. He said...Mom...Ma...My father was here today.

What?  I wasn't here yet.  He came in asked if I was working there.  My boss (who acts like my son's brother) asked who he was. 
My son told him about his father.  He said, No.  His father looked around said you have a really nice place here handed him a card for my son.

My son said it's a birthday card with two hundred dollars in it. 

He wants to send it back.  I told him to keep it.  The I said do what you want.  Then I said...I don't know what to tell him...then I said...How do you feel?  Are you upset?  And we really couldn't talk he had to work but I do hear and feel a BIG conflict in my son.

I do think he wants to talk to him and not talk to him and everything that has happened is over whelming and bringing out feeling he maybe don't even know he has or what they are....and now...AN IN YOUR FACE...showed up at his JOB has sent him into..anxiety. 

Ya know, I don't know what to think.  I mean my children are adults and have the right to do what they want.

But I don't know what to think about my ex's actions?  The just showing up? 

I want to think, OK so he knows where his son worked and is trying to have some..contact..if only...to talk..see him...whatever....like a missing parent would want to...and then....my other half of me is saying...

That SOB how dare him just show up after 19 years...Hey KID...Happy Birthday!! and what is he thinking...how dare him shock him like that...how dare him think he JUST CAN...and where do you get off.....thinking you can

and then I think ..well he most certainly wouldn't have contacted me about him...my son is an adult...of course...he would contact him where he knew he worked.....BUT.....

What is up with this birthday card..and the money? 

Girls/Guys....Please help me out here.....

I can't think straight.....

What do ya all think....about the way he showed up and what he left?

Yes I can understand him trying to re connect and maybe even just leaving a number if my son wanted to contact him someday....

But the Birthday Card?????

Am I nuts?  Am I thinking right?

Or do you think this is a nice gesture and feeling guilty....or Manipulations?

I'm thinking Manipulations.....so .....What is wrong with me.....I have learned so much...and I know...that I don't know what the hell I am doing.....or thinking.....

Or was it a nice gesture...see what I mean..

I'm just worried about the conflict/emotions my son is having.  I know he will resolve this issue it just makes me feel so shitty that he is now feeling..whatever it is he is feeling...maybe abandonment issues...I don't know.

I don't want to bring my trauma feelings into this.  This has nothing to do with me.  I have educated them and spoke truth to them. This is between their feelings and their issues with their father.  I will support them with whatever they decide or not.  They are adults...but I'm still scared for them....
so I bring my fears here...I don't want to lead them through my fears....

I just hate to see them suffer.

Love
Deb

[Hopalong]

How dare he show up at your son's work and stun him like that?
NARCISSITIC ENTITLEMENT.

Was it a nice gesture or manipulation?
Ns DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

Certainly wasn't about what's best for your son.

But then...a non-crazy, non-N father who's capable of imaginative empathy would've been best for him.

Not what he got, though.

BOUNDARIES. I think your son needs to respond like a ton of BRICKS and convey to his father:
--IF son wants to see him, and only if the answer's Yes
--WHAT son's requirements and conditions will be

And he needs to learn to practice setting those boundaries over and over again.
That's the job. After a decade or so, son will be strong from it. Just as you are.

Exhausting way to learn that we have a right to anything, but that's the Nlegacy. He'll be okay, because he has YOU for a mother, remember!!

SO sorry, Deb. (NOTHING is wrong with you, your antennae are working just fine!)

xo
Hops

[mudpuppy]

What is up with this birthday card..and the money?

 

Control.

But as you say your son is an adult. He's old enough not to be warped by the manipulations and lies which are coming. Just make sure he knows the same real truth that you know so he can make informed decisions and protect himself.

mud

[gjazz]

Showing up at work, the card and money--as Mud says, it's about control.  He wants an unequal playing field, he tried to put your son in a position where he couldn't respond angrily without making a personal scene at his place of employment, something nobody wants to do.   But your kids may need to learn a few of the lessons on their own.  If they don't try, they may always ask themselves if they were fair to their dad.  You've armed them with the truth.  Trust their wisdom.  And keep an eye on your ex.

[CB123]

Oh, Deb, that's hard.

I am so impressed, though, with how you have raised your children to be strong, independent thinkers.  I'll bet your son does very well in this situation, although you know (esp. from being on this board) that he is in for some rough times as he works through how he will relate to his dad.  That will be hard for you to watch. 

I'll be thinking of you.  Those days are ahead for me, as well. 

Love,
CB

[debkor]

Hey Everyone,

Update::

I spoke to my son more when he was  home from work.  He is very very Angry.

His f walked into his job.  His boss knows about him through talk from my son (the truth).  He did not identify himself he asked if a D works there.  The boss said yes but was not here.  He handed hm a card and asked if he would give it to D.  He said You have a nice Place here, thank you goodbye.  The boss looked him over not recognizing him as a customer and when my son came in he let him sit get comfortable and said there was person who came in and left this for you.  I think it might have been your F I will do whatever you want me to do...What do you need me to do...I will tell him you quit.   He opened the card and sure was his F.

The card had the money in it an a letter.   It went like this.....

I have always thought of you and your sister.  I got wind that you may be working here and hoped to God it was you.  How funny right before your birthday I was lead here so here is a little money to have fun with.  $200. I will not talk about anything in this letter but ask that you may want to talk to me and will understand if you decline or do not respond.  I do hope we can get together. Your aunts and uncle's and cousin's would like to all get together.  Yadda, Yadda, Yadda....and Then....

So I would like to have your address so I can leave you a nice little package when I'm gone (not that it's going to happen anytime soon)...

Have fun on your birthday and be safe...don't drink and drive...
Love
T


So here is where my son's head is at....

He wants nothing to do with his F he never did.  He assured me it is not out of anger because he was who he was and gone but he thinks he is pretty much Scum.  He feels just because he is his natural F he owes him nothing.  He is what he is and excepts that but wants nothing to do with him. Just because he is sick does not mean that he has to be around him because he is Dad...he does not have to talk, get to know, anything with him.  He does not like him or anything who he is.  He would not associate with another person like him and feels he does not have to just because he is his biological father. 

He doesn't feel compassion for him or non compassion for him..he feels nothing.   He does not care.  He is a stranger to him and he never knew him that well.  He knows his F plans and does everything carefully and thought out (con way) and it does not happen by accident that his F is smart and dark and evil.  He is full of Shit and a manipulator, con man, and trying to control and all of the crap was in the above letter ..on first contact from him..

He See's right through him and his words.  He knows who and what he is and is Frankly Pissed that he even showed up or thought he could but understands that is just the way he is...and not acceptable. 

And yes gjazz....he feels and thinks the same as you..

He wants an unequal playing field, he tried to put your son in a position where he couldn't respond angrily without making a personal scene at his place of employment, something nobody wants to do.

He is enforcing a No Contact with all of them ...he will enforce it like you said Hops...Dropping a ton of Bricks if needed....

He is clear, he is forefull and he will stop it.  The money is going back, the contact is being stopped even with the rest of the family, and if needed he will take it further if his F comes around again...

He never had him in his life with the Craziness and he won't let it in now....As an adult who is enforcing his Own NO CONTACT...

He is disgusted.

He does not want this toxic/Sick crap in his life.  He does not want to reconnect with the rest of the family either.  He thinks they are strange at how pushy they are and he feels like he was set up and trapped from his uncle who revealed where he worked.

Bottom line....he can't be bothered by this shit...and he won't be. 
So that is where it is at now. 

I think my son has just been first handed...Slimed...like we all have felt when directly hit. 

I do think he is going to have up and down emotions though but will work through them.  He is a smart, right on, strong Kid but slimed...just when he is trying to figure out his own life, what he wants to be, where he wants to be.....and this ...

He'll be alright...but we all know how it feels and he is so ahead of the game and smarter then I was and Stopping it Dead...Not allowed into MY LIFE...



Hopefully it all just goes away again when there is no response.

Love
Deb

[finding peace]

Oh Deb,

I had this really long post written before you posted your update.  Didn’t get a chance to post it, but it is just as well. 

I was writing about how concerned I was for your son in this situation.  I don’t need to post it now (and am very glad!)

Wow – what a son.  It sounds as though he has a really good head on his shoulders.

(Also, there is nothing wrong with your thinking – I agree 1000% with your anger, concern, worry in this situation.)

((((Deb and children))))

I am so sorry you all are in this situation, but wow, he seems to be handling it really well and at such a young age!

Take care.

Love,
Peace

[Hopalong]

I think if he returns the money...maybe it would be best to make a donation to a charity and send the father a receipt? Otherwise the father can use the $200 as something either to: A) feel entitled to attention from son because he gave it to him, or B) something to argue about if it's returned to him.

If there's just a copy of a receipt for a $200 gift to a charity, end of story.

I hope.

Most important phrase in the letter in my view was:

will understand if you decline or do not respond

Excellent. So may it be.

xo
Hops

[mudpuppy]

Your aunts and uncle's and cousin's would like to all get together.

Creepy. Shows he's been working his little clique of toadies into positiion for sucking your son in.

So I would like to have your address so I can leave you a nice little package when I'm gone (not that it's going to happen anytime soon)...

What the hell does that mean? Is he taking a cruise or is that the typical NPD sympathy gathering whine, ala Fred Sanford with his fake heart attack saying "Elizabeth, I'm coming to join you" or is it a threat that he's going to keep hanging around your son and isn't going away?

Hope your son stays strong. Sounds like you raised him right, Deb.

mud

[lighter]

(((Deb and kiddos)))

It sounds like you've raised level headed children....

wiser for their childhoods.

Sorry it's so confusing and painful....

for all of you.

Lighter

[debkor]

Mud,

Creepy yes.  What the hell does that mean? Exactly.  But it does mean something.  There was always something my Ex meant.
Something is up.  My ex was crazy yes but smart.  He would scout things out, people, circumstances, plan, lurk ..and then go in for the attack and the defense.

So something is up alright and I'm wondering that it could be.....Trying to coax and buy my S to talk, Sympathy, or if he is Sick not just in the head...where Sympathy comes into play again. 

But No one Cares.. Oh that sounds horrible...I mean we don't wish harm but ...he is on his own. 




PEACE>>>>>>>

How are you.  I have missed you. 

My S is strong and has been informed.  He has a really good head on his shoulders and I'm proud of him. 

I can't say I'm sorry that my S has chosen a No Contact though with him.  I couldn't imagine his F changing and getting better..They just don't..and he was really , really bad.

I just hope he goes away and leaves them alone in peace. 


Light...

Nothing like a Blast from the Past eh... but that is all it was right?  Hopefully so.  I guess time will tell.  And for now we do what we always have done maybe just a little guarded for a bit...and let it Pass...

Love
Deb

[finding peace]

Thanks Deb!!

We are doing pretty well here - gearing up for the holidays with my H's family (I am still no contact with mine).

When I read what you wrote about your ex, my heart dropped.  I remember your story and my first thought was that he was grooming your son. 

I feared that your son might want to have a relationship with his biodad, that maybe he didn't understand how bad it really was.

I was very glad to hear that he wants NC - I think it is a very good thing, and what an incredibly mature choice.

You are a good mom Deb and a very strong person - you've carried yourself and your kids through some pretty tough times.

Please let us know how he is doing if you have time.

Peace

[debkor]

Hi Peace,

How was your holiday.  We had a good one quiet but nice sat around and talked as the kids played the Wii...and  I am  still playing with my son since he is bored to death, his friends are away.  I warn you now, do not ever count on me driving through a volcano, or under water, or on some rainbow bridge or you will wind up in Lava and off the side of the rainbow heading towards I think it was Earth... I thought I was smart because they were so beating me and rented Dancing with the Stars this I thought I had them with and they OUT danced me and saved me a few times..
 
I just stopped to eat some stuffing (more stuffing) and probably have gained 50 lbs.

My son has not said much about the F showing up.  He was here T Day after his work. His F has not tried to contact him since.  His cousin is though to which he will not respond.  I guess eventually he will stop. 

So he's good just had a birthday and off for a few days from school.  I guess time will tell if his F respect's his wishes or knows he will enforce them. 

All in all everything keeps on keeping on. 

So far so good.

Love
Deb   

[finding peace]

Hi Deb,

The holiday was good - quiet, no histrionics (so much more pleasant than the nightmares of years past).

I had a laugh at your Wii experiences - it is funny.  My kids (< 10 years) run rings around me on the electronics.  My 5-year-old actually taught me how to play some of the games.  It is a lot of fun.

I am glad he hasn't tried to contact your son.  Keeping fingers crossed!

Love,
FP