I had an eye-opening experience lately. I hadn't been feeling well for a long time. What I kept calling the flu clearly wasn't. Of course I waited until I couldn't function more than five or so hours a day, and spent the rest sleeping, before I called the doctor. Why?
That's what he asked. He said, "When you started experiencing symptom A, why did you not call?"
I said, "Because I figured I was feeling that way because of my poor eating habits."
He said, "Your eating habits aren't perfect, but they aren't poor. When you started experiencing symptom B, why did you not call then?"
I said, "Because I figured that was due to me slacking off about going to the gym."
"Symptom C?"
"Too much holiday cheer."
"D?"
Finally he said, staring at me a little confused, "you realize you blame yourself for every physical symptom of illness?"
It will be all right. I'm on my second round of meds to knock back the overlying infections then we'll attack the autoimmune. But it made me think. I do blame myself, still. OVer and over and over and over. Even though I try to be vigilant. I think what happens sometimes is, being vigilant is so tiring, I just stop paying attention, and that old "tape" starts playing again and again.
