Author Topic: worst fears confirmed  (Read 2664 times)

towrite

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worst fears confirmed
« on: December 27, 2008, 01:23:41 PM »
It's great to see some familiar names and to know you are still here. I have been off the board while I was living with my friend and working at that insane job. I have not gotten another job yet. But here's what happened to confirm my fears.

I have no money and no job, so a couple of friends wrote a letter to my mother, saying I needed her emotional and financial support. (We all know what an N does when asked to give emotional support.) My NM called one of the friends who wrote it and said she'd received it and had not known all the info in it. (I had not told her I'd been laid off and had not been able to find another job. My friend kept asking me why I was protecting her - that question took me to a whole 'nother realm of soul searching.) Anyway, my mother called friend again and said she was having a "chili party" Christmas day evening and to please come. She called me last. It ended up just being me, friend, and NM. NM began to chat like it was a social occasion. Finally friend got NM in the kitchen and began to address the contents and purpose of the letter. NM looked at her and asked, "What letter? I don't know anything about a letter." Friend was dumbfounded, but plugged on. After friend's appeal was exhausted, NM told her she refused to help me b/c I'd been "mean" to her in the past. She also went on to say that when I was born, her father adopted me as his favorite grandchild and turned me against her. (My NF was in the war and she and I were living with her parents.) It's true I was his favorite grandchild - I was born two days after his favorite son was killed in the war and I guess I came along in time to fill that empty place in his heart. He never, never, NEVER said a word to me against her; in fact, he constantly tried all my life to get me to forgive her if she did something to harm or hurt me. I am astounded she has made this up in her mind, held on to it, believed it, and is now using it as an excuse. Friend said it was obvious NM was very angry with me and it sounded to her as tho' NM's anger was longstanding.

It is surreal to me that my NM really does like me - it's not my imagination. And I know I have not done anything to to her to warrant this. It is turning my reality on its head to have something I suspected for years turn out to be true - and a witness to boot. It's a blow b/c now I know she has already changed her will in favor of my brother (the one who hasn't spoken to me in a year and a half, for anyone who remembers).

I think her typical N denial is being complicated with mild senility. But she feels so justified! The day after the party she called friend to tell her she'd found the letter among some Christmas cards. That's all - no comment or anything from her 'cept she'd found the letter.

That's my Christmas. Hope all is better with you guys.
"An unexamined life is a wasted life."
                                  Socrates
Time wounds all heels.

towrite

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Re: worst fears confirmed
« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2008, 02:00:58 PM »
To give you a more complete picture, the whole time the "chili party" was going on, my NM was walking back and forth between the kitchen and the living room. When she came into the LR where I was sitting, she'd walk in with a big smile; when she went back into the kitchen where Friend was trying to talk to her, she'd turn to stone.

Isn't this some kind of crazy-making? I feel a little crazy but am trying to hold on to my gtus b/c that's not where the craziness is. Does any of this make sense to anyone?
"An unexamined life is a wasted life."
                                  Socrates
Time wounds all heels.

gratitude28

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Re: worst fears confirmed
« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2008, 10:03:29 PM »
Hey towrite,
I saw so much of what you are talking about here with my NM. She is so fake when it "counts." It is so sickening and false and I just want to scream... but I have the great fortune now to know that others see at least some of it - although not the whole act.
Are you the only one who sees it???
The holidays are always hard, so be kind to yourself and do some things just for you.
Love,
Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Gaining Strength

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Re: worst fears confirmed
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2008, 04:31:46 PM »
Dear ToWrite:

I have just read your thread and hope you will be back soon.  I was very sad to read what you have written.  But it certainly sounds so familiar to me.  I have learned things that my mothers says  not unlike your experience and found that they confirmed what I felt deep inside.

It was freeing for me because I have felt physical nausea for years when she curls her lip up in a sappy sort of way to pay me an utterly insincere complement just waiting to see my reaction so she can have ammunition against me.  Finally I now know that she goes behind my back and says just the opposite in a very derisive way.  It is simply a confirmation to me that my gut was correct all along.

I recently learned that she called one brother and told him some very unkind things about me while she told me yet another thing. I have long been frustrated that she does absolutely nothing to help mend our relationships but little did I know that she was actually feeding the dissention.

I am sorry for what you have been living and sorry that you have so few to listen and here but I am also thankful that you do have a friend who will write a letter and follow up to learn how cruel your mother really is.  That validation is precious and worth so very much.

Thinking of you always - GS

Ami

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Re: worst fears confirmed
« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2008, 06:02:49 PM »
Dear ((((Kate)))))
 My M is an animal, not a person.
 An animal M would have done better, then and now.
 She forced me to find God and so one day I will be in a better place and she will be where she belongs.    Love to you, Kate    Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

towrite

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Re: worst fears confirmed
« Reply #5 on: December 31, 2008, 10:15:41 AM »
Do most N's deal in deep denial like my NM?

NM wrote me a letter when I first moved back to my hometown, saying if I "did ANYthing to embarrass" her, she would "write [me] out of the will". I was down to my last dollar when I had to go to my cousin and her longtime friend for money to pay rent. I suspect NM found out and that's made her so mad. I guess the extent of her narssicism was never as clear to me as it is now. And I am thankful I had a witness in my friend. She told me friend she absolutely would not "give any emotional support" to me.... not that she could if she wanted to.  Let alone financial. This is why I suspect she is busy changing her will.

I am still stunned - the reality is harder to face than to hide from. So with my only brother not speaking to me and my mother so angry, my remaining family has rejected me.

I am supposed to get an interview for a job in a town less than 100 miles away. I will be moving there, if I get the job. Should I let her know where I am going? I just want this beating up on me to stop after 64 years - it's enough.
"An unexamined life is a wasted life."
                                  Socrates
Time wounds all heels.

towrite

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Re: worst fears confirmed
« Reply #6 on: December 31, 2008, 10:44:01 AM »
If I don't take her calls or tell her I'm moving and where, she'll take it as more evidence of what a bad person I am. That's when the fear and trembling set in.
"An unexamined life is a wasted life."
                                  Socrates
Time wounds all heels.

Gaining Strength

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Re: worst fears confirmed
« Reply #7 on: December 31, 2008, 01:40:42 PM »
ToWrite - I hear you going back and forth over what to do in order to not offend you mother and to not get her to _______.  I had a subtle little experience the other day that helped me see that growing up in an N family that I had learned to believe that the way I treat people would have a causitive effect on their behavior.  IOW, if I do __A__, then they will do __B__.  But it is not true.  The Ns in particular set us up to believe this as a way to control us.  She is going to be a mean and unkind person no matter how you handle the situation.  It is so distressing and so frustrating but it also helps to begin to understand all of this very subtle means of controlling us.

Make your decision based on what you need to take best care of yourself and then decide on how to communicate your choices to her based on what helps you the most not on a hope that it will effect her behavior towards you.  That is a simply guide but it is very difficult to fulfill.

Thinking of you - GS

Anastasia

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Re: worst fears confirmed
« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2009, 09:37:32 PM »
My Nmother and yours exhibit the exact same behavior.  This was confusing for years, but now I get it.  I gave up the fantasy of having a loving mother, I studied tons about narcissists and studied famous personality assessment tests in an attempt to explain it all, I went to therapy for a couple years--BUT the best thing I did for myself was to get the hell away from her and the rest of my dysfunctional relatives.  Little contact with them freed me up to be myself and live a much happier life.  I say move and make a life somewhere else.  Let's be honest:  friends often are kinder and more caring than these so-called relatives we have, anyway....with the benefit that you can choose them instead of getting stuck with them like we often do relatives.

gjazz

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Re: worst fears confirmed
« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2009, 05:22:49 PM »
I can relate to the fear and trembling, towrite.  That's what happened to me for years, every time I thought about having any sort of interaction with my NF.  I knew that no matter how innocuous the subject matter, it would all come down as a condemnation of me as a person, and I'd end up babbling some kind of incoherent "explanation" of myself that just made things worse.  It made me feel subhuman.  And yet. 

And yet and yet and yet...the truth is, I was dealing with a subhuman.  He didn't have the capacity for compassion, empathy, caring--elements that make us the best we can be.  And he was desperate to project that onto me, or whomever else he thought was weak and without support or defense.  Maybe the thing to do is play out in your mind what your M will say if you tell her you are relocating (I'm sure that tape plays in your head anyway, right?), and ask yourself if there's any positive side to hearing that.  And then consider not telling her, arriving in that new place, setting up a new home, getting around to telling her (or not) on your own schedule, and see how that feels.  With what little I know, I'd say bomb out of there without a word.  But I know very little.  Just that in my life, the best way to deal with an N parent was (is) to put miles and miles between us.  It gave me the space and peace of mind I needed to get strong, get my head straight, and see him clearly.

Gaining Strength

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Re: worst fears confirmed
« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2009, 06:22:59 PM »
This is a very interesting conversation.  I have found that the most beneficial thing for me in dealing with the hurt from my N parents has been getting validation of how bizarre and unkind their behavior is.  When someone else sees it and confirms to me my own experience THEN I think about how utterly damaging that same behavior was to a small defenseless child.

So I hope that your friend seeing how incredibly cruel your mother is will be a great help to you.

Ami

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Re: worst fears confirmed
« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2009, 10:49:17 PM »
Dear ((((Kate)))))))
 The hardest thing is to give up hope that no matter HOW we twist ourselves,what we do or don't do, they will always hate us.
       Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

gjazz

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Re: worst fears confirmed
« Reply #12 on: January 04, 2009, 03:48:19 PM »
My NF was--and is, though to a lesser degree--far too good at manipulation for me to have waited for others' validation.  Even now, some (though few) people see me as the bad guy (woman) in the relationship.  I am accused of "blaming" him, of withholding love, of judging him unfairly.  What's ironic is that this is exactly what he does to me, has done all my life.  But others believe him because he's very good at identifying what others want to hear, what matters to them, and acting out the perfect role.  The problem for him is that nobody could keep this up forever.  His true self has shown through on occasions when he's gotten too angry, or had too much to drink, etc.  So slowly, slowly, people have begun to see the light.  Aunts, uncles, my brothers.  Recently I asked him about his friends and he said, "what friends?"  But again, he's very charming, he can throw a little cash around, he knows how to play the game.  For me, the important thing was honoring my own knowledge of what/who he is, act on it, and not worry about what others think.  That's their call.  I know what happened.  I was there.  The day I stopped hoping others would or could "save" me, or even that they would be supportive, was the day I walked free.

What is very hopeful to me in regard to the future is that this had one unexpected outcome: he is trying as hard as he knows how to make it up to me.  He knows he was awful.  He said once that he's trying to understand himself, trying to understand who he was back then.  He's had health issues and feels alone, and is facing his mortality, as we all must someday, and I know he's at the very least asking himself how he became such a monster.  And, as I said, trying, really trying, to work his way free of it.