My NF was--and is, though to a lesser degree--far too good at manipulation for me to have waited for others' validation. Even now, some (though few) people see me as the bad guy (woman) in the relationship. I am accused of "blaming" him, of withholding love, of judging him unfairly. What's ironic is that this is exactly what he does to me, has done all my life. But others believe him because he's very good at identifying what others want to hear, what matters to them, and acting out the perfect role. The problem for him is that nobody could keep this up forever. His true self has shown through on occasions when he's gotten too angry, or had too much to drink, etc. So slowly, slowly, people have begun to see the light. Aunts, uncles, my brothers. Recently I asked him about his friends and he said, "what friends?" But again, he's very charming, he can throw a little cash around, he knows how to play the game. For me, the important thing was honoring my own knowledge of what/who he is, act on it, and not worry about what others think. That's their call. I know what happened. I was there. The day I stopped hoping others would or could "save" me, or even that they would be supportive, was the day I walked free.
What is very hopeful to me in regard to the future is that this had one unexpected outcome: he is trying as hard as he knows how to make it up to me. He knows he was awful. He said once that he's trying to understand himself, trying to understand who he was back then. He's had health issues and feels alone, and is facing his mortality, as we all must someday, and I know he's at the very least asking himself how he became such a monster. And, as I said, trying, really trying, to work his way free of it.
