Thanks for the replies. Its been so great to find a description for what I've been seeing all of these years; for so long her behavior has baffled me; I could never make sense of it. Its also been great to have people who really understand this; my experience is that people just cannot believe it.
Anyway, in answer to some of your questions:
The involvement of the psychologist is as follows: My 14 year old daughter began to refuse to see her mother. Her mother has tried to make her see her and talk to her (and she has some for short visits, but is now refusing again). Her mother started saying that if my daighter didn't start spending time with her she would make her go to counseling (she really did say it as a kind of threat, which speaks volumes). So, haing dealt with this woman for so many years I decided I had better get my daughter into to see a psychologist so that she could talk with him and then the two of them could meet with the NMom. So, we did this and the psychologist was very impressed with my daughter and like her alot, etc. She really is a great kid with a very good head on her shoulders.
I have been divorced since 1993. Although I had to go to court, involve counselors, and battle a million lies, I have been co-parenting, but until recently their mother had the majority of the time. Early on, I had about 1/4 and since 2001 I have had about 1/3. For four months I have had my 14 year old full time and I just started getting my 12 year old 1/2 time.
The psychologist also met with me and I told him about alot of the behaviors and he also met with the NMom. The psychologist then (just last week) met for the first time with my daughter and her NMom. It did not go well. My daughter came out very upset and has told me that NMom did all of the talking; completely lied; and when my daughter would say "that's not true" no one would listen, NMom just kept talking and didn't miss a beat. And the problem is, obviously, the psychologist didn't stop this. I can tell from talking to him that he doesn't understand... I have told them that everything she says is a lie, but its hard to believe. He wants to believe that maybe there is a break down in communication or a misunderstanding. And I'm trying to explain that this is much more than that... its blatant, constant, all-pervasive lying. As I said, she will lie to the face of the person who knows the truth. For example,
Now the psychologist isn't sure where to go with it and I think is trying to figure things out. He has said that it concerns him to hear a 13 year old say that she never wants to see her mother again. He has said that if he had to give a recommendation right now he would recommend to make my daughter go with her mother for 2 out of every 14 days, but that he doesn't want to do that.
So, I'm not sure whether to tell him that I think this could be very serious and that the mother may be a narcissist and that if this is the case we really need to look into this before deciding whether to send my daughter into that situation against her will.
I'm afraid that my daughter's sense of herself that she has and her ability to see the truth will eventually crumble. She has fought her mother for three years and she is telling me and everyone else that she is done; she cannot do it anymore. She believes very strongly that her mother will NEVER listen to her, will NEVER change and will NEVER stop. I found this out because I asked her what her mother could do differently to repair their relationship and she was very clear and very firm (almost pleading) that her mother cannot cahnge and that all my daughter can do is get away. My daughter fears the thought of trying to change her mother and of having to talk with her mother or work with her mother because it is such a demoralizing experience for her. I get the sense that she cannot continue to be around someone who treats her as if she doesn't exist and disregards her completely without losing her mind. I think she feels that she cannot stand up to it forever.
Right now, it took my daughter a full day to get over the less than hour counseling session. When my daughter has an encounter where she is not being heard she gets frustrated at such a deep level she can barely contain herself; she came out of that session almost shaking and red faced. She came into the lobby and sat on my lap and grabbed my hands and put her head on my chest like she was emotionally exhausted and under attack and in need of protection. And keep in mind this is a very happy good girl; I have never seen her react that way to anyone or in any other situation. But its just so maddening for her to have someone lie right in front of her and not listen to a single thing she says and who twists everything and makes awful accusations. And its a hard thing for people to understand that someone would lie so blatantly.
So, there's a bit more; again, thanks so much to everyone for youyr responses.
