Encounter with the N!

[Gaining Strength]

As I have written here, my father remarried last January (#3) at age 78.  His new wife has 4 children and umpteen grandchildren (the youngest of whom  just turned 14).  His new wife's birthday is Feb. 26th.  Because several of her children and grandchildren have February birthdays  they get together and have big joint celebration.  As it turns out my father and my nephew and I also have Feb. birthdays so this year my little boy and I were invited to join the big celebration.

I have only met two of the 2nd generation (out of 7) and 1 of the 3rd generation (out of I don't know how many.  So last night there were about 20 or 25 people gathered at one long table in a private room at a restaurant. ( I should tell you that her children did NOT want her to marry my father. ) My little boy and I were the only one's there from our family.  Her granddaughter was there from college with 4 friends to celebrate her 21st birthday and one little one was turning 14.  So there is the setting.

We were invited for 6:30 but people trickled in for 30 or 45 minutes.  At 8:20 (20  minutes past my child's bedtime) my meal was there and cold but nothing for my 8 year old.  I got up to go speak to the waiter saying something like, "I need to get his food.  It is getting late for him." as I got up.  With that my father began a psychotic rage.  By the time I got to the end of the table where the waiter was with a tray my father met me halfway still ranting at the waiter that he would give my son one of those plates.  "Stop!" I told my father.  "These are not R's order."  But he didn't stop.  He kept raging.  Alternately demanding the waiter deliver food to my son immediately.  At one point some man I had not been introduced to got up and told my father to stop.  "You stop." my father told him and kept raging.  Meanwhile the waiter slipped past me to go get my son's food and my father continues to rage at me and tell me that it is his party and he's not going to be told what to do and on and on and on. I stood in front of him and quietly bur firmly said that he needed to stop, that he was ruining it for everyone there. I had no clue if he was going to haul off and hit me or what but I didn't back down. Finally his rage ended, he sat down and everyone there pretended nothing had happened.  My little boy got food and at 9:15 I said good bye and took my son home stopping for icecream on the way. 

My phone rang about an half hour later.  It was my father.  I didn't answer. 

To say the experience was unsettling is such an understatement.  It was horrible to experience it.  It was humiliating.  It brought up so many memories of similar experiences.  It was alienating.  and on and on.

[teartracks]

Hi GS,

My experience with, not all, but some nasty people is that they get nastier as they age.  I think I'm remembering that your father has been diagnosed with a serious emotional illness.  He's probably had it and acted out of it all of his life.  That doesn't make it any easier on you though to endure the scenario you described.  Putting up with other people's nastiness doesn't seem to be the answer on how to handle it.  I think standing up to him was the right thing for you to do.

tt


   

[Jynna]

GS-- That sounds just awful.  yuk and double yuk.
 It had to be worse being with a bunch of people that you don't know very well.

You should feel proud of how you handled it.  Good for you for not losing it.

and, as an aside, what is wrong with that restaurant??? that's ridiculous.

[Overcomer]

Here, here!!  I agree.  You did an awesome job.  I have often said that a leopard cannot change his spots and obviously he hasn't.  You did good!

[Gaining Strength]

Boy, thank you all for your support.  Last night I toggled back and forth between feelings of abject wretchedness and feeling proud of how I handled it.  It feels so good to read your support and encouragement.  It is like water in a desert.

You know Jynna, I wondered what was wrong with the restaurant until the wait staff really rose to the occassion and handled what could have been a Columbine event in a very professional manner.  I went from being slightly irritated and frustrated with them to being profoundly thankful and admiring of their calm and collectedness. 

I am so worn out of life in which there is absolutely noone I can turn to for solace and support.  While I seldom communicate with my father, I can see his house from my window and back door and while I try to stay out of my mother's reach she calls day in and day out several times.  I only answer a fraction of her calls but each one is draining.  And then of course I have a young child whom I love but who needs much love and nurturing and care.  It seems to all suck me dry with little coming back to fill me.  I'm not sure where I am supposed to find life waters to drink from.

[BonesMS]

GS,

I am so PROUD of you for standing up to your Nfather!  BRAVO!!!!!  If his new relatives had any doubts about him, his behavior probably confirmed those doubts!

Bones

[lighter]

GS..... so sorry you went out of your way to participate and it turned into such a debacle.

You handled it just fine....

(((GS and son)))

So sorry that happened when everything else was so uncomfortable and going wrong with the evening.

What did your son say about the evening?

[Jynna]

I am so worn out of life in which there is absolutely noone I can turn to for solace and support. 

This is the part that is so hard, isn't it? It is so exhausting.  Whenever I've tried to talk about my situation with people, they always make excuses for my parents' behavior.  I'm sure you've had the same.  People just can't understand that it's not the one incident, it's the build-up of multiple incidents over and over again through the years.  It does wear you out.

It's like being under siege.  Your guard always has to be up. 

Let yourself feel proud for how you handled it, but, of course you're going to feel wretched, too, because who wants to go through something like that?  This was supposed to be a night of celebration. 

btw, GS,  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!



 

[sKePTiKal]

Oh, GS honey...
how painful. It's true that a lifetime of these experiences make us so much more sensitive to that kind of behavior and bring up the whole weight of the past, threatening to overwhelm. In the face of that - you were the voice of calm and reason. Poise, grace under pressure... yes, you have reason to feel proud of yourself.

BUT: you mentioned that the restaurant staff and several other people attempted to intervene and assist you to quiet the raging madman.

THERE is your solace and comfort - in the fact that others at the scene were able to clearly see who was in the wrong, and in the fact that they were willing and actually DID try to help. I'll bet the witnesses to the rage, were rooting for you... sympathized with you... and I know they didn't blame you for the ruckus. How could they, with King Lear holding forth and trying to attract all the attention to himself? He made himself look like a fool - it wasn't anything you did or didn't do, that called that forth.

Please don't "own"  the responsibility for this man's behavior and feel any shame on his behalf. He's not your fault. It's not your job to control him or his behavior. You didn't make him this way... and look how far you've come: from your description you were far from paralyzed. You took reasonable, calm, intelligent and caring purposeful action. You were the "resident adult" in the situation.

And I think it was your grace under pressure & bravery that called - attracted - help to you. That's what I call "there"!

Your father doesn't know it - but he gave you a perfect opportunity to prove you're there. Don't slip into the old patterns of seeing just the hurtful part of the experience - look for and commend yourself on how free you were from the old paralysis. Remind yourself always when thinking about this incident how your bravery in facing him brought you HELP, others to your cause; who CARED, people who were championing your wish to quiet him - how you did exactly the right thing - and realize that you no longer have to protect yourself from him:

he only humiliates himself. The humiliation only sticks to him. Not you.

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks for your support.  It has taken quite some time for me to bounce back but sometime during the week I began to notice that when childhood memories reemerged my unconscious reaction sometimes turned to the same feeling I had in standing up to my father last weekend.  It was not a victorious sensation but one of determination, of standing in what is right rather than being completely mowed over by what was wrong.  The strength came in standing up not in winning, not in the outcome.

So slowly but surely these memoies are coming up and I am able to see how I unconsciously reacted and was caught in double binds.  I was also able to see how horrid the experiences were AND how ultimately different everything would have been had I had the knowledge or understanding to stand up and say, "No" regardless of the consequences.  Just in imagining what that would have been like is beginning to bring some freedom and relief - long overdue.

[lighter]

"...........It's like being under siege.  Your guard always has to be up. 

btw, GS,  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!"

I agree, Jynna...

it is like being under siege.

In GS' case.... it's not even a sneaky underhanded scenario playing out.

It was in everyone's face....

though the majority chose to ignore it.

I wonder if supreme chaos would break out if everyone stood up to this type of behavior......

I wonder if society would just fall apart.

Happy belated Birthday, GS.